March 16, 2013 at 5:55 PM
A new relationship is meant to be between two people. If you've never been married and you're dating an older man who is "divorced with kids" you may run into situations that can have a serious impact on your relationship. Dealings with his friends, your friends, his parents as well as yours are par for the course for any new couple. But throw children, ex-in-laws, and assorted ex-relatives into the mix and you're playing in a whole new ballgame, one for which you may not be prepared.
The worst case scenario is ex-wife who still feels she can call her ex-husband, (now committed to you), for every, and any, little problem in her life. Dealing with that is a major challenge for any couple.
The bonds of relationships are complicated and complex even when two people are no longer sharing a life together. While it is aggravating to the ultimate degree to have your guy’s ex constantly calling him, understanding why she does it may help you both find a way to stop it.
Let’s examine why your happy, new relationship is being disrupted on an almost daily basis by a woman who is legally divorced from your man.
Acceptable communications from your boyfriend’s ex should be important to both of them and the key word here is "acceptable". If there are children in the picture, phone calls between the two are inevitable. If she is calling about a sick child, a little understanding on your part will not only help your man out but will make his ex see you as a kind person. The problem of being divorced parents is a serious business no matter how funny divorced couples are portrayed in sit-coms; in real life it is no laughing matter. When it comes to the child’s health and care, both parents need to be involved. This you must accept. The welfare of pets from their former marriage also falls into this category.
Calling, texting, or emailing him to let him know important information about schools, relatives, and children’s activities are sometimes necessary too but they shouldn’t be frequent. There is information he needs to know and some that isn't that important.
Unacceptable communication from her would be anything that is harassing, or excessively needy.
Does she call him to complain about money problems, or alimony and child support? Is she “email/text abusive"? If he is on-time with his payments as stated in their divorce settlement, her calls, texts, and emails are to be considered harassment and can be stopped legally.
Is she calling him to do things she can readily do herself or have done professionally? Picking up her car from the shop is no longer her ex-husband’s concern, nor is mowing her lawn or re-grouting the tile in her bathroom. He has to make it clear to her that he will no longer be available for “chores.”
A red flag should go up if she is calling because she’s “lonely” or if she “accidentally” bumps into him, or shows up to wait for him at places she knows he’ll be. When your kind-hearted man feels sorry for her, it is time to have a very serious talk with him about commitment and your life as a couple.
Communicate with your him about how you feel. Tell him that you are uncomfortable having her constantly get in touch with him unless there is a very important reason to do so. Chances are he feels the same way.
The ex, no matter how she feels about it, is no longer the wife and has no rights concerning your life together. As hard as it may be, it is time for her to move on. Her problems are not your fault nor should they become your problems.
© 2013 Kristen Houghton all rights reserved
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