Have you ever been in a romantic relationship where you wonder how this person is very much like your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend? How did I not see this coming? How did I choose the same person once again? Do you wonder why you choose a certain type? Perhaps, you choose an aggressive personality or even a very passive type of person or even a person who drinks too much?
The type of person you choose has more to do with YOU than the other. If the recurring pattern appears to be the same, it is time to stop and ask yourself what is happening within you that causes this. What were the qualities you were drawn to? Are these qualities you lack in yourself, therefore, you admire them in others?
It could be that you are very passive and shy, unable to get your needs met. Then one day you meet someone who is the total opposite of you and you love that they know what they want and are aggressive. We begin to assign certain expectations to this person and hold them on a pedestal, admiring the trait we feel we lack , when in fact, they are human just like everyone else and will eventually fail us.
If we are looking to others to fill that void that we have, we will always be choosing the wrong person. Why? Because we are looking for value from another person and looking for that other person to validate us, make us feel good when we are not feeling good enough. No one can live up to that.
For example, if you come from an alcoholic family, you will most likely choose people who drink too much. It’s not always the case, however, it happens often. Examining your family of origin is crucial and can help you avoid choosing the wrong person. If you haven’t worked through the family issues, they often surface in your relationships.
As a young child, if you were taking care of mom or dad as they were drinking, you were taught to be a caretaker. It’s becomes an automatic response unless you have studied your family of origin. Fast forward, we are now in a relationship where we are taking care of others or in a relationship with an alcoholic. When we realize we have been over-compensating and doing too much for others, we become resentful and angry.
At The Hellenic Therapy Center we study your family of origin which is done through a genogram. You will be able to see for yourself how patterns can be passed down from one generation to another.
At The Hellenic Therapy Center, 567 Park Avenue, Scotch Plains, New Jersey, we have a team of licensed professionals available day, evening and weekend hours. Visit us: www.hellenictherapy.com or Facebook, 908-322-0112.