TRENTON – It is unclear when Mercer County will be attacked by foreign armies, storming the shores of the Delaware to rape and pillage. But we need to be prepared now. That is why the freeholders are set to blow $287,000 on Thursday night to buy an armored vehicle, Planet Princeton reports. Some residents are disgusted by the apparent waste, even writing letters and contacting elected officials. And - get this - to demonstrate how upset they are, some residents actually plan to attend the freeholder meeting in person, and voice their concerns there, if they can find out exactly what a freeholder is and where this board would happen to meet. Opponents note the vehicle comes with 12 optical gun slots to provide plenty of blam-blam, especially if the Taliban makes a sneaky move north from Burlington County. County officials swear the truck is needed, noting it is ideal to respond to snipers, hostage-takers, bomb threats, mass shootings, etc. Plus, it would look snazzy in a parade designed to impress Kim Jong-un.
TRENTON – The state Department of Banking and Insurance is a staid, low-key agency that goes about its work with little fanfare. But last week DOBI — as it’s known in Trenton-speak — was up to its pinstriped elbows in one of New Jersey’s hot-button topics: gun control. It slammed Lockton Affinity — an out-of-state insurance provider — with a $1 million fine for selling personal firearms liability policies to Garden State gun owners without a license, NJ Spotlight reports. Of course, where there are gun owners, you’ll find the National Rifle Association. What’s the connection in this case? The NRA crafted the Carry Guard policies for Lockton Affinity. No word yet as to whether DOBI plans to levy a fine against the NRA as well. We say pull the trigger.
DOWN THE SHORE – So, what’s up with kids these days? First, they demand to own these fancy smartphones that have a million times more memory than Apollo 11. Then, they have these teeny-tiny dohickeys that can store up to 14,000 songs, without even the need for a rewind button! Sheesh. And the latest injustice? Now these teens want to get on our beaches for free. Ya believe it? There’s proposed legislation in the Assembly that would allow towns to waive or reduce beach badge fees for teens between 12 and 17. Already, kids under 12 don’t have to buy beach badges, as per a 1955 law, and don’t get us started on that.
TRENTON – Mayor Reed Gusciora is fed up with the City Council’s feuding and tantrums. Flare-ups at last week’s public meeting forced the city attorney to storm out in a huff and the head of Trenton’s troubled Water Works suddenly quit, citing the council’s lousy treatment. The last straw came as the council voted 5-2 to raise its salaries to $30,000 apiece, risking huge fines from the state, which oversees the city’s dicey finances. Councilman Jerell Blakeley told his colleagues “you’re overpaid (at) $20,000. If you were paid what you’re worth, you’d be paying this city.” Now, a city official tells the Trentonian the mayor is ready to “take the gloves off. He’s going on the offense … the future of his administration is at stake.” Oh, the drama.
BRIGANTINE – Jumping off bridges could kill you – the spoiler alert of the morning. Still, Fire Capt. Tom Daley is cautioning Press of Atlantic City readers after a pair of thrill-seekers leaped off a 60-foot-high causeway over the Absecon Inlet last week, then swam to shore and vanished before firefighters arrived with lights flashing and sirens wailing. Yep, the chief warns: “Jumping off bridges or other structures is not only illegal, but could potentially be deadly.” Just remember: It’s not the fall that kills you; it’s the sudden stop.
IN OTHER IMPORTANT NEWS
STITTSVILLE, OTTAWA – Want to know where the real party is in Stittsville? Check out the backyards and backwoods, where critters have been having one heck of a time. Local residents captured photos and videos of drunken raccoons, who had been getting plastered on fermented fruit. They are stumbling all over the place, dragging their legs, wobbling and even trying to chat up that ugly possum that everyone ignored all summer. Meanwhile, raccoons with awful hangovers have been sleeping it off on peoples’ decks, waking up barely in time to return to the woods and hit happy hour. The special tonight: Crab apples.
STOCKHOLM – There’s a new syndrome here and it goes by “TRUMP.” There will be no vehicle vanity plate with this name, ruled the Swedish Transport Agency, calling “TRUMP” an “offensive” violation of its motor vehicle rules. Sweden’s biggest tabloid, Aftonbladet, says a drunken man “thought it would be fun to apply” for vanity plates bearing the U.S. President’s name for his American car. His request was swiftly denied and was ordered to never, ever appeal.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY
Some brutal inflation on this day in 1992, when Lucy is forced to raise the price of her psychiatric help to 47 cents, from a nickel.
WORD OF THE DAY
Schmooze – [SHMOOZE] – verb
Definition: To engage in informal conversations.
Example: I’ll miss schmoozing with Lucy for just a nickel.
WIT OF THE DAY
“I honestly think it is better to be a failure at something you love than to be a success at something you hate.”
- George Burns
WEATHER IN A WORD
THE NEW 60
A Jaffe Briefing Exclusive
by Andy Landorf & John Colquhoun