It Ain't Ovary ’Til the Fat Lady Sings

032fd13652ca7d2df770_32ea1a3b11dd130d3c0e_tracy_beckerman.jpg
032fd13652ca7d2df770_32ea1a3b11dd130d3c0e_tracy_beckerman.jpg

Dear Jezebel and Medusa,

I thought it was time I wrote you, my dear ovaries, a letter. Word on the street has it that you are not happy about the fact that you are still in business.

I don’t blame you. You’ve been doing the whole egg release thing since I was 12. I’d be bored if I had the same job for 38 years, too.  But rather than just pack up and close shop like most middle-aged ovaries would do, you just keep on truckin’ on.  And then every month you make a big stink about the fact that you’re overworked and underappreciated.

Sign Up for E-News

Really ovaries, really?

Recently you even enlisted the help of Ursula, my uterus. Now all three of you are protesting each month.

Is this my fault?  No!  I was perfectly okay with the idea that you could go into retirement at this point in my life.  My kids are in college.  As far as I’m concerned, the kitchen is closed. There will be no more buns in the oven.  I actually think there is a design flaw here. I think once I made the decision I was done having kids, you all could have just shut down production. Closed the plant.  Moved to a senior community in Florida or whatever it is that retired ovaries do during their golden years.  Yeah, I get that there are some important hormones that you make that keep my bones strong and my mood stable. But clearly that last part isn’t working so well anyway.

I don’t mean to sound like an ingrate, because you ladies have served me well over the years.  You (along with my husband) are responsible for the two greatest joys in my life.  Of course I could have done without the thirty-six hours of labor for the first kid, but I don’t think that was your fault.  Then there was that cyst on Jezebel that hurt so bad I wanted to punch Bill O’Reilly.  (I actually wanted to do that anyway and was just looking for a reason, so thanks for that).  But overall, you two have been pretty awesome.

But lately, you’ve been showing your mean side.  Awful cramps.  Erratic schedules.  Bloating. Seriously, I get that you’re unhappy, but do we really need all the drama?

Get with your ovary union. Tell me your demands. I’m sure we can reach a settlement.

This country was built on cooperation and compromise. Just ask the federal government! On second thought, scratch that.

I think we all know it's time for a change.  Do you really want to be the oldest functioning ovaries on the block?  There is a great deal of honor in quitting at the top of your game.  I, personally, would be happy to give you an award for your years of service.  You have functioned ovary and above the call of duty.

I was told that this time in our lives is called Peri-menopause. I'm not sure who this Peri chick is, but I don't think she was invited to the party.  Let's work together to kick her out of the sorority and let Menopause hang out with us.  I actually think she'd be a lot more fun...

Period.

With warmest regards,

Tracy

Note: Follow Tracy on Twitter @TracyinSuburbia

The opinions expressed herein are the writer's alone, and do not reflect the opinions of TAPinto.net or anyone who works for TAPinto.net. TAPinto.net is not responsible for the accuracy of any of the information supplied by the writer.

TAP Into Another Town's News:

You May Also Be Interested In

Sign Up for E-News

Berkeley Heights

I will draw on my experience to deliver a great future for Berkeley Heights

May 22, 2018

I am impressed with the day-to-day leadership of our Mayor and Town Council and I hope to help them continue to do great work. As I have been doing my research since deciding to run for a seat on our Town Council, I have learned a few things about all the work that has been happening in recent years.  For example, while plans for the Stratton House development were recently announced, our ...

Christopher Rinaldi for Town Council - Leadership, Judgement, Experience

My name is Christopher Rinaldi.  As a long-time member of the Republican Party, I am running in the Republican Primary on June 5th for Township Council and Republican Municipal Committee of Berkeley Heights.

As a follow-up to my Candidate Statements from the last two weeks, I would like to share with you a few areas of direct work experience garnered over the past 25 years that I believe ...

Redevelopment: Taking the First Step Together While Protecting Berkeley Heights

Redevelopment. It’s something that takes careful planning, foresight, the ability to negotiate for the most favorable outcome, and, of course, patience. I’m proud to say that we’ve been able to reach all of these milestones. Tomorrow, on Wednesday, May 16, 2018, we as a community will take the first step together in the culmination of these efforts, when the ...

How the Holi Color Festival Came to Summit; Event Planner Shares Her Story

May 21, 2018

Back in India, Holi was a holiday observed by almost all states. The holiday would be declared at all educational institutes and offices. It's a two day spring festival also known as the festival of colors. The festival signifies the victory of good over bad, the arrival of spring with the fragrance of flowers in the air and aura of warmth and happiness.

Holi festival is the time ...

Rain Didn't Dampen Our Vision for Art in the Park

The rain did not dampen our vision for Art in the Park!! Columbia Middle School was transformed into an art paradise, filled with an array of artists whose talents are nothing short of magical! The Peppertown Park Art in the Park Committee would like to thank all of the artists who came to our very first Art in the Park event. We are in awe of your creativity and immeasurable talents! You all ...

Mindfulness Meditation Session Begins Program on Nutrition at New Providence Library

May 23, 2018

Dr. Kavita Kewalramani, a board certified Internist at K Primary Care and Medical Nutrition Center in New Providence, will start with a short mindfulness meditation session, followed by the latest research on how mindful nutrition helps to improve your health and weight. Dr. K will also share a recipe for healthy protein bites which will be sampled by the audience, and discuss her weight loss ...

Amazon’s Career Choice program wins “Community Excellence” award

EDISON, NJ - Amazon’s Career Choice program recently received the “Community Excellence” award from the New Jersey Community College Consortium for its impact on the local community.

Steven Johnson, Amazon’s Director for Associate Development, was on hand to accept the award and lead a panel discussion on how the program provides trained, motivated employees for ...

Michelle Greco: The Logical Choice

Credentials and Expertise.  These are basic qualities that any headhunter, supervisor, manager, or hiring partner demands when looking for a new work colleague to bring on board.  

It comes as no surprise, then, that the Berkeley Heights Republican Municipal Committee (RMC) engaged in the same analysis and looked for these essential criteria to fill Republican ...

Fallout Continues from Lawsuit Against Mountainside; Police Chief on Administrative Leave

May 19, 2018

MOUNTAINSIDE, NJ – Police Chief Allan Attanasio is the latest member of the police department to suffer repercussions from a complaint filed against the borough on May 11.  Attanasio, who is not named as a defendant in the lawsuit, was “placed on administrative leave,” on Thursday by Borough Administrator and former Police Chief James Debbie, said  Lt. Joseph ...

Video Shows School Board Member In Altercation With Police at Traffic Stop in South Orange

May 16, 2018

SOUTH ORANGE, NJ - South Orange Maplewood School Board Member Stephanie Lawson-Muhammad got into an altercation with a South Orange police officer who stopped her for speeding last month, in which she used profanity, complained when she was issued a ticket and called South Orange Police Chief Kyle Kroll “a skinhead cop.”

Lawson-Muhammad also appeared to suggest that she would ...

Upcoming Events

Thu, May 24, 9:30 AM

Junior League of Summit Thrift Shop, Summit

Here Comes Summer! Junior League of Summit Thrift ...

Giving Back Green

Fri, May 25, 9:30 AM

Junior League of Summit Thrift Shop, Summit

Here Comes Summer! Junior League of Summit Thrift ...

Giving Back Green

Sat, May 26, 9:00 AM

Miller-Cory House Museum, Westfield

Aunt Carrie's Attic Sale

Giving Back Other

Sat, May 26, 11:00 AM

Home For Good Dog Recue, Berkeley Heights,

Dog Adoption

Other

Sat, May 26, 2:00 PM

New Providence

Memoir Writing Workshops @ NPML

Arts & Entertainment

Thu, May 31, 11:30 AM

Canoe Brook Country Club, Summit

Fortnightly Club Scholarship Luncheon

Food & Drink Giving Back

The Evaluation of the College Search

It’s is a bizarre time of year as a college counselor as I find myself at both the beginning and end of this process.  Sophomores and juniors are excitedly and idealistically starting to consider what will be important to them in a school.  At the same time, while only separated by a year or two, my seniors have all committed within the past month to a school and have spent the ...

Don’t Make These Three Mistakes About Social Security

Social Security has been around for decades and it’s not about to disappear. Why? Social Security is not an entitlement ("gift") that can be taken away - it’s a forced savings scheme that Americans pay into in their working years in order to secure a pension for life. Ideally, Social Security should not be your sole source of income in retirement but even comfortable ...