As someone who has gained and lost enough weight over the years to make a whole other person, I like to think I have some experience getting back in shape after the holidays. If you are like me and you started your downward holiday trajectory with leftover Halloween candy, and kept right on going through the Thanksgiving chocolate turkeys to the Christmas party buffets and candy cane binges, then this Top 10 List of Ways to Lose Weight and Get Fit in 2017 is for you… with the disclaimer that no one in their right mind should actually follow my advice.
1.Get the Flu
True, it doesn’t feel so great while you have it, but this is a surefire way to drop about ten pounds in ten days. I was lucky enough to come down with the flu before the holidays and I did actually lose ten pounds, which meant I could eat my way back up from Thanksgiving to New Years. Unfortunately, I put the ten back on, plus another ten, which means I need to get sick again to break even.
2. Give the Flu to your Husband and Kids
Nothing kills an appetite more than the sight of all those runny noses, nasty tissues and other icky sickness symptoms. Plus, you’ll work off extra weight running up and down the stairs to do all the extra loads of laundry generated by your sick family. Bonus!
3. Buy Food Your Husband Likes
Based on my theory that there is a finite amount of fat in the universe, if you want to lose some holiday weight, you have to arrange it so that it gets picked up by someone else. So, after the New Year, I stock up on dark chocolate, chocolate covered raisons, and Haagen Dazs Vanilla Chip Ice cream so I can be assured my husband will pig out and I will get skinny.
4. Photoshop all your Pictures
OK, making yourself skinny in Photoshop is not exactly the same thing as losing weight in real life, but if you don’t ever go out in public, no one will know the difference. Besides, if it’s good enough for the celebrities and models, it’s good enough for you!
5. Hang Out with Big People
Another cheat. You don’t have to diet or work out. Just stand next to people who are larger than you and you will look svelte and toned in comparison.
6. Get Pregnant
…Then you can tell everyone you’re not fat, you’re just pregnant. Or better yet, don’t get pregnant - just tell everyone that you are.
7. Go on “Dancing with the Stars”
All the celebs that go on that show lose an average of ten to twenty pounds. Of course, first you have to become famous, and then stop being famous, in order to get on the show. For more on that, see my other list: Tracy’s Top Ten Ways to Become Famous, and then not be Famous, to Get on “Dancing with the Stars.”
8. Go on Vacation
The key to this one is to go to another country where you shouldn’t drink the water and then you do. A good case of Dysentery or Montezuma’s Revenge should help you shed some of those holiday pounds!
9. If You Must Exercise, Combine it with a Fun Activity
Personally, I find that shopping discount stores on sale days is the ultimate exercise. You can get a great upper arm workout wrestling someone for the last cute cardigan and burn some serious calories dashing to the checkout line to beat the crowds.
10. Don’t Despair if you Break Your Diet
So you fell off the wagon a week after New Years? Don’t get down on yourself. Just think of it as getting a head start on the holiday weight gain for next year!
Note: For more Lost in Suburbia, follow Tracy on Facebook at facebook.com/LostinSuburbiaFanPage or on Twitter at @TracyBeckerman