Tuesday, 9:00am

Dear Diary,

Today I have to renew my driver’s license.  I have a million things to do and I really don’t have the time, but I have to do it today because my license expires tomorrow and I don’t want to have to run my errands on a dog sled… especially because there is no snow to sled on, and also, I only have one dog.

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9:20am

The good news is there are no lines at this hour at the DMV.  The bad news is they turned me away because I don’t have enough forms of identification.  They want something called “Six Points of ID” and apparently my old driver’s license is only one point and somehow I was supposed to know this before I arrived. I have to assume I am not the only person who has made this critical error and this is probably the reason why the DMV is empty.

9:30am

I consulted the pamphlet they handed me and discovered I need one primary document valued at four points such as my original birth certificate or a valid passport. Then I need two more points from the secondary document category such as a debit card (one point) and a social security card (one point).  The following are not considered acceptable forms of ID: my Pickle of the Month card, my National Honor Society card from High School, and my Frequent Bra-Buyers Club card. 

I also need a document that proves my residence. 

My brain hurts.

9:50am

I have to go to my safe deposit box to get my passport.  But I can’t find the darn key.

I remember going to the safe deposit box last week before I went food shopping and then I came home, which must mean....

10:00am

The safe deposit box key is in my pantry with the Wheaties. Naturally.

10:10am

Got to my safe deposit box.  No passport.

I actually think I remember seeing it at home with my emergency roll of travel toilet paper.

10:20am

Home again.  Found my passport in the cheese drawer of the fridge but I can’t find my social security card.  I must have left it back in the safe deposit box.  I think I may hurt someone.

10:45am

Got my social security card.  The people at the bank think I’m a moron. 

11:00am.

Took a break to get some coffee and quickly check my email.  Discovered I have inherited ten million dollars from a dead relative in Nigeria who was actually a prince and has no other heirs.  All I have to do to get it is wire four thousand dollars to the person who emailed me to cover some fees and then they will send me my money. No ID required. Sounds legit.

PS… If he was a prince, doesn’t that make me a princess? I bet you don’t need ID at the DMV if you are a princess.

11:20am

Back at the DMV.  There is a huge line. I asked them if I could go to the front of the line because I would soon be a millionaire and the first thing I would do when I got my money was donate a large portion of it to the Home for Retired DMV Workers.

They just gave me a number (102) and said, “Go sit down and wait, Princess.”  How did they know?

Noon

That dog sled option is looking pretty good right about now.

12:20pm

They finally called my number.  No less than three people have examined my IDs. No one seems bothered by the fact that my passport smells like cheese.

12:30pm

Three hours later, I’m finally getting my new license. The DMV technician told me not to smile for the camera.

No problem.