PRINCETON - If you add up all the brain power at Princeton University, it could figure a way to teach trigonometry to a flea. Yet the university has been struggling with all the bicycle thefts around the leafy campus. NJ.comreports the latest effort is for police to create "bait bikes." They are equipped with GPS devices so cops can track them and hopefully find the culprits in the process. The university also wants students to register their bikes with campus cops. All will receive stickers that read: "This Could Be a Bait Bike: Think Before You Steal." Pretty clever. Einstein would potentially be proud.
BEDMINSTER - Lock her up? Build another wall? The options to dispose of the President's maid are virtually endless, after the New York Times reported she illegally snuck in the country. Most recently, she has been folding the Presidential pajamas at the Trump National Golf Club. She has cleaned the Presidential toilet, which all assume is gold-encrusted. She has dusted all the trophies from mulligan-filled golf and has ironed all those silky, logo-filled sheets. She was growing corn in Guatemala when she illegally crossed the border in 1999 and somehow managed to land a job in Trump world in 2013 with bogus documents. Life's been pretty darn good in these fancy digs; she even received a pin in the shape of the American flag, adorned with a Secret Service logo. The maid is now seeking asylum and contemplating a lawsuit against her boss. Meanwhile, the Trumps vow to fire anyone who lies on a job application, as they should.
NEW BRUNSWICK - David Hughes, an anthropology professor and chief union negotiator for faculty at Rutgers University, stood at the scarlet velvet rope that separated him and other fed-up academics from the university's board of governors and told that esteemed body that he and his colleagues were pretty steamed. "This rope here which you so carefully put to keep us out, separates you guys, the seven-figure folks, from us the five- and sometimes four- and sometimes three-figure folks... you cannot sit here forever behind this rope making decisions behind closed doors and ignoring us." The ultimate source of disgruntlement for Hughes et al. is the slow pace of contract negotiations. It brought hundreds of his colleagues to protest in New Brunswick yesterday while the board met. There was even talk of a strike if contract negotiations don't pick up. Read about it in NJ Spotlight.
OLD BRIDGE - Tomorrow night, this town's very own "Clark Griswold" vows to turn on the 70,000 holiday light extravaganza at his Central Avenue home. And, Thomas Apruzzi tells the Home News Tribune: "I'm not paying nothing," defying local officials who insist he pay $2,000-a-night for his 22-night show. With the Christmas kerfuffle making national news, Mayor Owen Henry made it clear: "I'm not a Grinch. It's all about public safety." Expecting thousands of spectators in the next three weeks, the mayor estimates a $50,000 overtime tab for cops handling traffic and crowd control. Nevertheless, Apruzzi says, the show must go on.
PRINCETON - A Chinese steel manufacturer is raising red flags with its $56 million bid to buy (of all things) Westminster Choir College. One of America's most acclaimed music conservatories since 1926, Westminster trains vocalists, pianists, organists and conductors. Rider University acquired it in the '90s, but claims it's now too expensive keeping all those Steinways and Hammonds in tune. NPR says the Beijing firm's offer hit sour notes with alumni and nearby Princeton Theological Seminary, filing separate lawsuits to stop the sale. They're afraid of what "an inexperienced foreign company ... partly controlled by (an) authoritarian Chinese government" might do to their beloved college. If anything.
PARAMUS - A serial masturbator - whose last name just happens to be Bates - is the talk of New Jersey this morning, after NJ.com reports he was busted for doing the deed in front of women at a Paramus doctor's office. OK, get ready for this statement from police. (Really, prepare yourself.) "Upon police arrival, officers found Bates in the bathroom with the door open while masturbating and simultaneously attempting to penetrate his anus with the handle of the toilet bowl scrubber," police said, adding there were plenty of female witnesses. Bates was taken to the hospital for some obvious evaluation, while cops looked into his, um, interesting history of public self-pleasure. This has apparently been going on since at least 1997, when the 47-year-old was nabbed for masturbating at a Barnes & Noble in front of women and children. Completely out of hand.
IN OTHER IMPORTANT NEWS
HOXIE, Ark. - A rookie politician has just learned a valuable civics lesson: Every vote counts. Cliff Farmer couldn't make it to the polls on Election Day. And - you can see this coming - the race for the Hoxie City Council seat ended up as a tie. The Jonesboro Sun reports Farmer and his wife were returning from a Florida vacation when their plane landed only an hour before polls closed, about 80 miles away from Hoxie. Farmer didn't make it on time, resulting in a tie with incumbent Alderwoman Becky Linebaugh. She, of course, voted. A winner will be declared next week by coin toss.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY
It was this day in 1945 that the microwave was patented, thanks to radar technology from the war, creating a whole new way for America to pop its popcorn.
WIT OF THE DAY
"People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point."
- George Carlin
WORD OF THE DAY
Taradiddle - [tair-ə-did-əl] - noun
Definition: A trivial or childish lie
Example: No, today's masturbation story is not a taradiddle.
WEATHER IN A WORD
THE NEW 60
A Jaffe Briefing exclusive
by Andy Landorf & John Colquhoun\