BETHLEHEM – Amazed that State Police resources were needed to respond to this town in Hunterdon County, where people were stealing Biden/Harris signs off peoples’ lawns. First, the signs are meaningless to the outcome of the national race and just litter the pre-election landscape. Second, these thieved coroplast signs are each worth about $4 – which certainly doesn’t rise to the attention of the state’s crime fighters. And by Nov. 4, they will all be headed to a landfill near you, to disintegrate over the next few decades, stacked a few layers above the Reagan/Bush signs and, more recently, the Clinton/Gore ones. In short, leave the signs where they are. They won’t bother you if you don’t bother them.
NOT NEW JERSEY – Dallas is now erecting “Welcome Nasdaq banners!” in the hopes of wooing the exchange from New Jersey. The Dallas Morning News reports that Nasdaq is eagerly breaking bread with Texas Gov. Greg Abbott, as they breathlessly chat about moving the electronic trading systems from New Jersey. Other trading exchanges may also join this martini lunch, as they explore the green pastures outside of New Jersey. The Texas governor was quick to note his state just passed a constitutional amendment banning an income tax in Texas. Meanwhile, New Jersey is trying to add a tax on all financial transactions located here, serving Wall Street’s daily trades. There’s no way New Jersey can win this one. Apologize quickly and hope they stick around – without the need for tax breaks.
EAST RUTHERFORD – The Jets have guaranteed C.J. Mosely, a linebacker, $8.6 million a year to play for the winless team. So, perhaps that is why Jets owner Woody Johnson felt the need to sock U.S. taxpayers for $550 to dine at President Trump’s Turnberry property and then spend a few hundred more of our bucks on Trump swag around the golf course. The Scotsman reports that the multi-billionaire diplomat thought it made plenty of sense to enjoy all the luxury at a Trump course and then send the bill to Uncle Sam. Hope the Johnsons enjoyed the Dover sole meuniere, which we understand is both lovely and understated.
“Pennsylvania” is spelled incorrectly on the Liberty Bell.
WEST ORANGE – You’re fired! That should be the message from President Trump, after a 26-year-old mailman was busted for chucking 1,875 pieces of mail in dumpsters, including 99 general election mail-in ballots for West Orange and Orange voters, NJ 101.5 reports. This is not a time to be lazy, as this postal worker has learned, as all eyes are on the mail to ensure the most accurate election as possible. This guy is now facing charges in federal court for delay, secretion, detention of mail and obstruction – all of which will not look good for his annual performance review. The recovered mail was placed back into the mail stream for delivery, likely with spaghetti sauce stains.
ON THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL – You’ve been hearing about all about these mail-in ballots, yet you still haven’t received one. What gives? All county clerks had to have the ballots out by Monday, NJ.com reports, and you can actually track the whereabouts of yours at nj.gov/state/elections/vote. So, before you just assume your ballot is in some dumpster in Orange and jump on social media to share your sordid story, check the website under “mail-in ballot history.” If you learn the ballot was mailed a few weeks ago, you can always ask your county clerk for another one, which can be mailed or you can go pick it up. But don’t wait until Nov. 4 and then claim your vote was never counted. This one is on you.
IN OTHER IMPORTANT NEWS
ST. JOHN’S, CANADA – Nothing really screams “SEX!” like a photo of onions – at least in Canada. Officials at the Gaze Seed Co. were shocked to learn that Facebook has deemed their online ad for onions as an “overtly sexual image.” The company submitted the ad to the prudes at Facebook to promote its special sale on walla walla onions. It was rejected, as the onions looked too darn sexy. “I guess something about the two round shapes there could be misconstrued as boobs or something, nude in some way,” the owner told CBC News. "You'd have to have a pretty active imagination to look at that and get something sexual out of it.” Hard to say; those happen to be very good-looking onions.
SALT LAKE CITY – If you follow what’s buzzing on Twitter, then you know about “The Fly.” Within minutes after a fly landed last night on Vice President Pence’s head – and sat there for 2 minutes, 3 seconds – the insect already had a Twitter account – @MikePenceFly. It garnered 94,000 followers, to date, with 400,000 tweets shared, like “Lord of the Lies,” “Wait, do I have Covid now?” and “That was trash and I know trash.” The Biden campaign pounced. Sharing a photo of Joe Biden holding a fly swatter, the campaign began selling these must-haves for $10. And then, the Biden campaign released “flywillvote.com” for voters to check their voter registration status. Suddenly, Jeff Goldblum is trending, once again.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY
It was this day in 1998 that President Bill Clinton was impeached, showing that impeachment can be both exciting and bi-partisan.
WORD OF THE DAY
Incogitant – [in-koj-i-tuhnt] – adjective
Definition: Thoughtless, inconsiderate
Example: The fly showed very incogitant behavior as the Vice President tried to make a point.
WIT OF THE DAY
“Pitch in $5 to help this campaign fly.”
“He’s been a wacko for years, and everyone knows it.”
-Donald J. Trump
WEATHER IN A WORD