Donald J Trump @realDonaldTrump
So great to see the weak and out of control NFL finally come together to make AMERICA FIRST IN THE SUPER BOWL thanks to my tremendous efforts. So why has no one asked me to throw out the first pitch? Sad. #MakeRomanNumeralsNumbersAgain.
Hey sports fans, it’s time to bet on America again. Because on Sunday February 4th in US Bank Stadium two great American symbols of freedom, the Patriots and the Eagles, will battle for the title of Super Bowl champs. The Patriots, representing New England, and the Eagles representing Philadelphia, will play 60 minutes of football dragged out for hours to see who takes home the Lombardi trophy in Super Bowl LII.
America first will be a sure thing, and by all estimates fans are indeed betting on America—to the tune of $4.3 billion in offshore lines and illegal bookies according to the American Gaming Association. This after a rocky start to the season which saw viewership decline by 10% due to protesting athletes, concussions, lengthy games, and Tom Brady fatigue.
If you turn on the TV and think deja vu, you will be right.
Because the story in this year’s classic matchup is whether the Patriot’s, led once again by dapper head coach Bill Belichick and gluten-free quarterback Tom Brady, will go on to tie the record for most Super Bowl wins (6) or tie the record for most Super Bowl losses (5). An impressive achievement either way.
And the Eagles? They have never won a Super Bowl. Ever. In their last appearance in 2004, they lost to . . . who else, the Patriots. It’s enough to make you drink too much beer and throw snowballs at Santa Claus. This is probably why an infamous Philly fan requested eight Eagles players to serve as his pall bearers so they could “let him down one last time”.
So in true form, another great American institution, Las Vegas, favors the Patriots to beat the Eagles by a field goal, a safety, and one half of an extra point kick. In Super Bowl terms, that is V.V points. For the rest of us, 5.5 points. This of course places the Eagles again as underdogs and explains why you can expect to see Philly fans in the stadium look like they have all escaped from barroom dog pounds on St Patrick's Day.
But of course, as any dispirited fan outside of New England knows, the Super Bowl has very little to do with football and everything to do with hype that is stretched over a two week period culminating is a three hour feeding frenzy of junk food, beer, and television commercials.
No wonder it is expected to draw over 100 million viewers.
This year’s media extravaganza will begin with the singing of America the Beautiful by Leslie Odom Jr, not to be confused with Giant wide receiver Odell Beckham Jr. who was out for the performance season with laryngitis. Odom Jr. is best known for his role as Aaron Burr in the hit musical Hamilton. As a point of interest, the Patriots first appearance in a Super Bowl was against the Redcoats in 1776.
During the National Anthem all eyes will be on grammy nominee, Pink. An avid Eagle fan, look for Pink to be wearing green and don’t adjust the color of your TV set.
Not enough? How about Justin Timberlake for halftime entertainment? The entertainer will take the stage marking his third appearance in a Super Bowl. But don’t expect a surprise appearance by Janet Jackson or her anatomy. In Super Bowl XXXVIII the singer notoriously busted out the 5 second delay penalty into the Super Bowl by exposing herself to 90 million viewers while the Patriots were stuck listening to Bill Belichick in the locker room.
Of course, there is also some football played during the Super Bowl. Keep an eye out for names like Foles, Gronk, Ertz, and Jay Ajayi (pronounced Jay Ajayi). And if you are still uncomfortable pretending like you understand the game, here is a sure and fast way to make you sound like NBC’s Al Michaels or Cris Collinsworth calling plays in the booth.
Just pretend quarterbacks Tom Brady or Nick Foles are delivering papers on their bicycles. For example:
He is looking for the outside screen and delivers it perfectly through the intended target.
He stops, picks up the nickel, and stuffs it inside the pocket.
The timing was pretty good when he turned it loose but it was just a little out in front of the post.
He turns off the block but doesn’t have time to make the toss and ends up just throwing it away.
He’s down hard on the drive. He was scrambling between the front yard lines but I don’t think he saw the crossing guard.
Enjoy the game. Again.