Welcome back fans sports fans! It's been an exciting week, and here are just a few of the top stories from around the world . . .
Russia Gets Football Team
Moscow. Notable in its absence from the FIFA 2010 World Cup tournament, Russia will now finally be able to boast a world class soccer team of its own. In a hastily arranged trade last week, Russia received ten players from the US, including NY Spies Midfielder, Anna Chapman. In return, the US will receive four lesser-known players currently languishing in the Siberian Soccer League.
The deal was completed after the US agreed to allow Striker Lindsay Lohan to join the team once her obligation with the LA Jailers is fulfilled.
Lebron James Heats Up Miami
Miami. In his single-minded quest to win an MBA title, ex-Cavalier Lebron James abandoned his New York suitors, as well as his hometown of Cleveland, to join forces with the Miami Heat. In an excruciatingly long, sixty-minute press conference in which the MBA star broadcast his decision in less than two minutes, James explained that his motivation was based on the desire to secure a championship ring with the help of veteran players Dwane Wade, Chris Bosh, and high-scoring Forward, Lindsay Lohan.
Lohan, who is expected to report to the team's South Beach tanning facilities in 90 days, was not available for comment. Everyone else had way too much to say.
Roster Set for MLB All-Star Game in Anaheim
Anaheim. The mid-season baseball break begins this week as the leagues' top players report to Anaheim for the annual All-Star Game. The all-star roster was finalized last week after NY Mets Shortstop, Jose Reyes, bowed out with an injury. The star NL infielder will be replaced by veteran Catcher Lindsay Lohan, before she reports to a Los Angeles County Correctional facility to improve her tarnished performance at home.
The All-Star festivities begin with the Hit and Run Derby, which Lohan is expected to dominate.
South African Soccer Fans Report Injuries
Port Elizabeth, South Aftrica. Hospitals in and around South Africa have reported a sharp increase in patients after the close of the FIFA World Cup tournament. Physicians report that significant numbers of fans have wandered into area Emergency Rooms complaining of "buzzing" in their ears. Many other fans have undergone Vevuzelectomies to have plastic horns surgically removed from their lips.
Spain took home the World Cup after an exciting goal in the waning minutes of overtime, when Andre Iniesta lifted the ball into an open cross-corner net on a broken-play ball deflected off the ankle bracelet of the Netherland's Lindsay Lohan.
"It was a harsh outcome," cried a defiant Lohan, who received one of the game's fourteen yellow cards for exposing indecently painted finger nails during the match.
Armstrong Crashes in Tour
Avoriaz, France. Lance Armstrong's bid to win his eighth Tour de France was all but extinguished after the world-champion cyclist crashed high in the Alps during the eighth stage of this grueling 23-day event. Armstrong has fallen to 39th place, more than 13 minutes behind the leader. This follows rumors—dogging the cyclist for months—that he has taken steroids.
"As a Peloton leader, I often had to watch my back," said an angry Armstrong, "but I never once had to shave it." Asked to explain the rare series of crashes that have thwarted his bid to take home another Tour de France victory, Armstrong blamed his pharmacologist, Lindsay Lohan, for his poor performance.
Tiger Ready to Play British Open
St. Andrews, Scotland. In his first British Open since extramarital affairs set back his swing last November, Tiger Woods has returned to the 'home of golf' hoping to secure his third tournament victory. He will be paired in the first two rounds with 'Lynx' veteran, Lindsay Lohan. The pairing should be a good match for Woods. The two are widely respected for their choice of clubs and their driving skills, particularly into trees along the manicured driveways of South Beach.
Oilers Poised to Return to Houston
Houston, Texas. NFL owner, British Petroleum, leaked its intention today to return the Oilers to Houston. "The team has been training hard in the Gulf for almost two months now and we are in the natural process of steering the team to Houston," said a BP executive who refused to be identified.
In recent months the team's explosive offense has been unstoppable. Most experts point to a system of crude salary caps which have allowed the energy giant to exploit such high profile players as James Cameron and rookie Running Back, Lindsay Lohan. BP expects to complete the move to Houston by the start of the pre-season football season in August.
Well there you have it! Who says I don't know anything about sports?