When I die, by Jewish law

Rest me in a pine box.

There are no rules for last meals

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So pass a bagel—hold the lox.


No need for any frills

When it’s time for my ascent,

Silk-lined mahogany’s fruitless

When my life’s already spent.


Forget the fancy coffin

Because much to my chagrin,

Comfort is a moot point

Once rigor mortis sets in.


I covet finer things in life,

Like an upgraded ocean view.

I’ve even been known to splurge on dinner,

Châteaubriand for two.


But to squander money on me

When I’ve already cashed my chips

Feels like losing to a Vegas dealer

And then leaving him a tip.


I want flowers when I’m living

So skip the roses and carnations

Save your funds for Hawaii

Because death is no vacation.


I know it’s unduly morbid,

But if ever I don’t know my name,

Please be sure to pull the plug

And no one is to blame.


Just in case I’m not quite gone

When you place me in the box

Include a Reader’s Digest

And toss in a Tootsie Pop.


On a side note, I’d like to pay tribute to Queen of Comedy Phyllis Diller who passed away one week ago today. Her unparalleled humor leaves an indelible mark on our memories. May she continue to inspire us.

“Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?” ~ Phyllis Diller

When Jersey Girl Lisa Tognola traded her job as freelance writer for that of full-time mother of three children, it didn’t take long before her writing was reduced to grocery lists, notes to school nurses excusing her kids from gym class, and e-mails to her husband reminding him to call his mother.  Daily life as a suburban mom was fraught with challenges and unexpected dangers like adult dinner groups, town hall meetings and home shopping parties.  Rather than fight her fate, this mom embraced it by unleashing her inner columnist.  Her weekly column, Main Street Musings, reflects on life in the suburbs—the good, the bad, and the ugly.  Visit her blog http://mainstreetmusingsblog.com/.  Follow her on twitter @lisatognola