It is the seventh inning stretch during a nationally televised game between the Boston Red Sox and the Chicago Cubs. A commercial comes on the air. The music swells dramatically as a deep-voiced announcer commands our attention.
Announcer: Bud Light presents . . . Real Men of Genius. Today we salute you, Mr. Beer Promotion and Placement Man. Your never ending desire to market beer assures us that we will always see a cold frosty bottle of Budweiser every where we turn . . . in sports stadiums . . . on television shows . . . at the breakfast table . . . and even . . . at the White House.
The shot slowly zooms in to reveal three men dressed in business suits sitting stiffly at a round table in the White House rose garden. A fourth gentleman with white hair walks up to join them and is greeted by the President of the United States. The music dies down.
Obama: Good afternoon Joe. Thanks for coming.
Biden: Mr. President, I am not sure why I am here.
Obama: Joe, I called this meeting to talk about race in this country.
Biden: Excuse me Mr. President, but didn't you already win? In November?
Obama: No Joe, I am not talking about a political race, I am talking about the serious underlying issues that impact race relations in the country today.
Biden: You mean steroids and performance enhancing drugs. They should be outlawed. It's why the Boston Red Sox won the pennant race in 2004. I personally think we should . . .
Obama: Joe, this is Henry Lewis Gates and James Crowley. They are from Boston.
Biden: Oh right. It's a pleasure to meet you Mr. Gates, and may I say that PowerPoint is a mighty fine product.
Gates: Mr. Vice President, I think you are confusing me with Bill Gates, the founder of Microsoft.
Biden: Right! Of course, my apologies Mr. Gates, you are the Secretary of Defense.
Obama: Joe, the Secretary of Defense is Robert Gates. Henry Gates is a professor of African American Studies at Harvard. And Mr. Crawley here is a sergeant in the Cambridge Police Department. I invited them here after a very public incident in which Mr. Crawley arrested Mr. Gates during a heated exchange of words.
Biden: Sounds pretty black and white to me. Is that other hot-head coming too? The I'm A Dinner Joke guy?
Obama: You mean Ahmadinejad? No Joe, this is a domestic Beer Summit, the first of its kind. I invited these respected gentlemen to the Rose Garden so they could settle their differences over a beer and we could have a constructive conversation about race. It's a symbolic gesture meant to . . .
Biden: But I don't drink beer.
Obama: Yes, but you are my Vice President and you are white and . . .
Biden: Excuse me Mr. President, but isn't that, you know, kind of racist?
Crawley: If I may Mr. Vice President, I think your presence is necessary to give a sense of balance to this event. It has no deeper racial meaning as far as I am concerned.
Biden: Well I for one am certainly not going to argue with a Boston police officer! What are you drinking sergeant?
Crawley: A Blue Moon sir. It's a favorite of mine.
Gates: In the spirit of unity, I was planning to have a Red Stripe with Sergeant Crawley's Blue Moon. A symbolic flag if you will.
Biden: So Mr. President, I assume you are having a Lone Star beer to complete this flag metaphor thing. I bet George Anheuser Bush left one in the refrigerator for you. Ha! Ha!
Crawley: Don't you mean George W. Bush?
Biden: Is that the Bush that doesn't drink?
Obama: I am going to have a Bud Light.
Biden: Oh I get it! Taste's Great . . . Less Filling. Bridging both sides of the debate! That's why you are the president, sir!
Obama: Joe, I think Great Taste, Less Filling is the slogan for Miller Lite. I just want a Bud.
Biden: I see! The King of Beers! After Rodney King . . . why can't we all just get along?
Obama: No Joe. There is no symbolism here. I just like Bud Light. That's all.
Biden: Well in that case, let me propose a symbolic toast for this historic occasion. Gentlemen, here's to good friends! Tonight is kind of special. The beer we pour, must say something more . . .
Crawley: Isn't that the slogan for Lowenbrau?
Biden: Are you accusing me of plagiarism officer?
Gates: With all due respect sir, you have been known to borrow phrases for your speeches from time to time.
Biden: You think just because I am Joe Biden that I am prone to make major gaffes that can embarrass this administration? I resent being profiled in that way.
Obama: OK Joe, now you are just acting stupidly.
Biden: Mr. President, I think you should collect all the facts before you call me stupid. I think maybe I'll have a beer after all. Waiter, get me a Colt 45 Malt and a shot of Jack Daniels back. And bring another round for everyone else too. And some beer nuts.
The scene cuts to the same table one hour later. The four men are relaxed—their jackets removed and their ties askew—sitting back in their chairs with their feet resting comfortably on the table.
Biden: Wassup B?
Obama: Nuttin'. Just watchin' the roses, havin' a Bud. Wazzup wit you?
Waiter: Wazzzuppp gentlemen?
Obama: True. True.
The dramatic music swells again. The shot zooms slowly away from the Rose Garden as the familiar Budweiser logo fills the screen.
Announcer: Here's to you Mr. Beer Promotion and Placement Man. You make our world a better place.
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