Valentine’s Day is just around the corner and I’m not taking it too seriously—at least not in my parody ad for a “Hunk of the Month” club (made of “medical grade plastic … as close as you’ll get to the real thing”), which is included in the new Valentine’s Day anthology, My Funny Valentine.
That’s right, I’ve been published! (Go ahead and laugh . . .)
Subtitled, “America's Most Hilarious Writers Take On Love, Romance, and Other Complications,” “My Funny Valentine” is a collection of humorous essays including some 40 humor writer’s unique views not just on Valentine’s Day, but also modern day love and romance.
If the idea of a 150-page unique collection of stories, poems, personal accounts, and unconventional Valentine card lines strikes your fancy, then splurge on “My Funny Valentine,” (only $9.99!) available at Sages Pages in Madison, NJ, Amazon.com (paperback and Kindle version) and Barnes & Noble.
Or, read my essay for free here . . .
Valentine's Day Hunk
Ladies, are you tired of the Valentine’s Day “same old’s?” Same old jewelry, same old candy, same old man? This Valentine’s Day, bypass the tennis bracelet and the roses and forget the box of chocolates, because you can get all the delicious eye candy a girl could ask for when you join the Hunk of the Month Club!
You can never go wrong with THE GIFT THAT KEEPS ON GIVING.
We have a variety of trophy husbands ready, willing and able to serve as your personal ambassador of hotness, status and youth. That’s right, trophy husbands. After all, why should men have all the fun?
Sound too good to be real? It is, but so what? Real is overrated. These fictional hunky husbands are made of medical grade plastic and are as close as you’ll get to the real thing and still make good on your fantasy and your marriage. It’s the ideal situation. You get to keep your marriage intact and have some fun on the side because these life-size hotties are designed to fulfill your every whim, and they come with a full head of hair!
Selection, Quality and Value are what set us apart from our competitors. Our standard model comes with a muscular physique, moveable arms and legs, and a head that will instantly swivel in your direction when you call his name. He is anatomically correct (although certain body parts may fall off when wet) and his underwear is permanently molded to his body so you won’t have to pick it up off the floor each morning. For custom orders, you can choose the circumference of his neck, chest, waist and other unnamed body parts.
Each of our hunks meets rigorous quality control standards and is programmed to say all the right things (accents available in English, French and Italian):
“Yes, of course I’ll be home for dinner.”
“You relax, honey, I’ll feed the dog and take out the garbage.”
“Have you been eating enough? You look like you’ve lost weight.”
Tina, New Jersey: I loved my March hunk, “Rough Around the Edges” Vince! He had an earring, slicked back hair, and was cut like a Hershey’s bar under his muscle shirt. I can’t wait to try “Jack hammer” John in April!
Muffy, New York. I was crazy for my December hunk, “Urban Sugar Daddy” Dan ---that mane of wavy brown hair, painted goatee, and chiseled cheekbones . . .mmmm . . .
Katie, California: September’s “Suburban Rock Band” Spike had that sexy brooding thing going on. He had a fierce look, and wore a wicked grin that really turned me on. His “Mattel for grown-ups” tattoo was cool, too. I had fun dressing us up in matching leather accessories!
Order Today! (3 Months) $169.69
Be a trendsetter and brag to your friends that you score a new hunk every month! Treat yourself to an original gift—a Valentine’s Day Hunk. Remember, if you don’t like him, you might like his best friend . . .
The Hunk of the Month Club: He’s not your grandma’s crash test dummy.
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Adult Toys of the Month Club and Thong of the Month Club
Clothing and accessories sold separately, available while supplies last. Gift membership also includes free extra parts.
WARNING: This product is not recommended for people with pediophobia (those suffering an intense, irrational fear of mannequins)
When Jersey Girl Lisa Tognola traded her job as freelance writer for that of full-time mother of three children, it didn’t take long before her writing was reduced to grocery lists, notes to school nurses excusing her kids from gym class, and e-mails to her husband reminding him to call his mother. Daily life as a suburban mom was fraught with challenges and unexpected dangers like adult dinner groups, town hall meetings and home shopping parties. Rather than fight her fate, this mom embraced it by unleashing her inner columnist. Her weekly column, Main Street Musings, reflects on life in the suburbs---the good, the bad, and the ugly. Visit her blog http://mainstreetmusingsblog.com/. Follow her on twitter @lisatognola