EAST BRUNSWICK, NJ - According to a number of reliable sources, East Brunswick got 24 inches of snow yesterday, a stunning amount. Well, we all survived it, thankfully, but there is no reason to put oursleves at risk for any post-blizzard casualties. Besides, we wiped out the shelves at Shop-Rite and Stop and Shop on Friday, and we have to do something with all this stuff.
Here's a guide for today so that you can enjoy EB, look out your window at the beautiful snow before you get sick of it, and get rid of some stuff along the way.
- MOMS DON'T SHOVEL SNOW. Now's the time to play the labor-and-delivery card. It's a quid pro quo. The more gruesome the details you provide of your struggle and pain, the better. Use all that bread and milk you bought to make French toast for the shovelers. Praise their work. Feel (at a distance) their pain.
- WATCH YOUR PETS ACT LIKE IDIOTS IN THE SNOW. Here at TAP Central, we have a 16-year-old beagle. She went out last night and became a puppy again, scampering down our newly-plowed street. Yes, I said "scampering." She rediscovered her canine self. Take a video of your pet in the snow and send it to your kids in college. It will be a real heart-tug, perhaps guilting them into a phone call. Tell them you're fine, except that they are not here to shovel snow for Mom. Don't miss this opportunity!
- PREPARE SOMETHING DELICIOUS TO EAT, THEN EAT IT. Sometimes, we are more impressed with the titles of food on restaurant menus than with the meals themselves because of the gorgeous language used to describe them. Expand your vocabulary and become a better cook automatically. Try this one: Una Zuppa alla Crema di Pomodoro con un Panino di Formaggio Grigliato. Sounds great, right? You could really impress yourself. Okay, so it's really a can of Campbell's tomato soup made with milk and a grilled cheese sandwich. Who will know until they sit down at the table? Throw the can away and look like you've worked hard to be an Italian chef. Be your own Spin Doctor.
- GIVE YOURSELF OVER TO SPORTS. Rangers, Patriots, Panthers, Broncos, and Senators are all running or skating around today. Turn your house into the local bar and have all the televisions on with sports blasting. Argue during games you don't care about. Argue loudly. Do not monitor your language. Point at the TV screen, raise your voice and expound on the stupidity of someone. Start a fight. Crush on Tom Brady. Feel sorry for Eli Manning who has to watch his brother Peyton (Chicken parm, you are so good!) surpass him yet again.
- HIDE FROM YOUR FAMILY. Tell them you are going out to shovel snow (But don't you DARE do it!) and "hole up" in the guestroom. Read. Paint your toenails. Screw around on the internet. Make sure that you have paid off the dog first so that she doesn't hang around and scratch on the door of your hideout. This may be worthy of a two-biscuit bribe. Our dog Evie is almost blind and deaf, but she can find me wherever I am. She's looking at me right now (or at least she thinks she is!) Make sure you've made the payoff.
- TAKE A NAP so that you can be wide awake for Downton Abbey tonight. In our house, we watch Downton and The Walking Dead on Sundays, since we have been freed up from Mad Men and The Sopranos. (Do you think Carmela shoveled snow? Yeah, right.) I hardly ever get Lord Grantham and Rick Grimes confused with each other. Rick has the beard, right?
- THROW STUFF OUT. My dad used to call this "Irish cleaning." Hey, we're Irish, and it worked for us. Walk around your house or apartment or dorm room with a large garbage bag, and go from room to room throwing stuff out. Christmas decorations you forgot to put away? Throw 'em out. An odd number of Hanukkah menorah candles-from-a-day-you-went-out-and-did-not-light-them hanging around? Pitch 'em. 2015 calendars and expired food in the back of the fridge? Out they go. Teenagers grumbling about how boring it all is? C-Ya! Well, that was easy.
See? There's no need to drive on the day after a Snowpocalypse. There's plenty of stuff not to do at home.