New year and new thoughts, or even new resolutions. But, are they really new? Have you found yourself spinning your wheels, resolving to do the same things each year only to find yourself in the same place on December 31?
Joan understands this. She suggests a way to take that habit you don't want anymore and coax it gently out of your life.
Q. What is it about resolutions? Why do we make them and then it seems we fail at keeping them?
Joan: It’s the time of year when we take stock of where we are and decide the path of our life moving forward. We make a list of things we want to change and create resolutions to get the job done. We start the year off with a bang moving full force in the new direction, and then boom… a different bang, we hit a wall. Everything we strive to accomplish with such passion slides to the side and we fall back into the routine of the behavior we know so well.
Q. You're describing a habit or something that we don't like about ourselves as a 'behavior'. That sounds a little tough because no one likes to think of themselves as having a bad behavior. If we want to change, why can't we just do it?
Joan: Typical resolutions like eating healthy, quitting smoking or drinking, increasing physical activity, or spending more time with loved ones, are designed to change routines that have been around for many years. While it’s easy to assume that we should be able to willfully make long-term changes to established patterns, desire alone is usually not enough.
According to Charles Duhigg, in his book, "The Power of Habit", there is a three-step loop that occurs:
- a cue or trigger, which tells your brain to go into automatic mode
- the routine, which can be physical, mental or emotional
- and the reward, which helps your brain determine if this loop is worth remembering for the future. Over time, this loop becomes more and more automatic.
While wanting to change is the first step, experts say that the key to enacting lasting change is understanding the process and identifying your triggers.
For example, if you want to quit smoking, you can quit cold turkey, but understanding what triggered your smoking will give you a greater chance of success. When you recognize what situations trigger your current habit – having a morning cup of coffee, stress, drinking alcohol, going out with friends, driving, etc. – you can create a positive habit that you are going to do instead.
So, when you wake in the morning and have coffee, instead of smoking, what will you do? If you’re stressed or out with friends, what will you do? Replace the old habit with a positive one. Be mindful and consistent. Create the new routine that results from the trigger and your brain learns the new reward.
Q. Is there any advice on making this a bit easier?
Joan: Don’t try to change your life all at once. Some people decide that they are going to lose weight, exercise every day, quit smoking, get a new job, and spend more time with family. A complete overhaul will lead to overload and you will give up. Work on one habit at a time and take baby steps. Lean in gently. If you usually leave work at 7 pm and want to spend more time with family, go home at 6:30 pm for a few weeks or even months. Then gradually make it earlier. Once that becomes a new habit, work on something else.
Lasting change won’t happen overnight. But with mindfulness, determination, consistency, and patience, you can achieve any goal you desire. Remember for big change, think small. As Mark Twain said, “Habit is habit, and not to be flung out of the window by any man, but coaxed downstairs a step at a time.”