It is the first, warm sunny day in May. The kind of day where budding leaves on trees unfurl before our eyes. The kind of day where flowers vibrate intense color and winter’s dormant life awakens with a long, welcome kiss of life-affirming sunlight. It is the kind of day that rejuvenates hibernating verbs like basking and sleeping nouns like shorts.
I step outside into the warmth of a sun that is rising high in the sky. I close my eyes and thrust my face heavenward to the glowing sun throwing off its bountiful warmth. I open my mouth wide and insatiably swallow the sunlight.
Gulp after large gulp of warm, healing sunshine. It is thirst that can not be quenched. I swallow as if the spigot may be turned off at any moment and I must slurp as much as I can into my body to survive.
My wife sees me standing in the middle of the yard staring at the sun with my mouth wide open. “What are you doing?” she asks.
“I am killing the Coronavirus,” I tell her.
“Oh, good. For a minute I thought you were tanning your tonsils.”
“If I have the virus, the UV rays from the sun will kill it.”
I expound further. “To see the light at the end of the tunnel, you have to shine the light at the start of the tunnel.” I pause for a minute to think about what this means in context. “Ask any gastroenterologist,” I add.
“Can I pour you a tall glass of lemon Clorox?” she asks before going back inside.
As ludicrous as it sounds, I think I have to go with the President on this one. To stop the novel virus we have to come up with novel solutions. We have to think outside the box. We should consider any solution, no matter how preposterous.
And we have to do it with sarcasm. Because this is just what the country needs right now to lead us back to health. Solutions with sarcasm. I am not kidding.
For example, I scoffed when I first heard that a local official in Florida went on record suggesting that blowing a hair dryer up your nose was a possible solution to ending this pandemic.
But maybe we should quell our knee-jerk reactions and think just a little larger, with a little more industrial strength. Strength afforded, perhaps, by the Defense Production Act. Like maybe receiving a face full of exhaust blasted through burning hot jet engines. There are plenty of those things sitting at airports right now. Just put your face right up to one of those bad boys, hold on to your hat, and kiss that nasty Coronavirus goodbye.
Of course I would wear goggles to protect my eyes. And something to cover my ears. Those engines are pretty loud. I mean, we can’t be stupid about this.
I understand that the science does not back this up, that hot air does not kill the virus inside our bodies, or out. However, current science does suggest that warm, humid air can diminish the effective airborne spread of the virus. While not a cure, this does mean that during hurricane season we can party on Florida beaches like it’s 1999.
As proof of concept, I offer the irrefutable statistic that no one contracted Covid during hurricane Irene. No one. And a beach vacation gone wild is something we can all look forward to.
I can’t believe there is not some home remedy that can’t be concocted for this thing. People joke about the Quarantini, a social distancing cocktail best served six feet apart.
But isn’t there some merit in this as a potential Covid remedy? I mean, before snake oil there really was snake oil. And it is a known fact that oils from cold blooded animals are high in Omega-3 fatty acid, known to have positive health benefits. It wasn’t until the 1890s when Clark Stanley started marketing his ineffective home brew elixir of red peppers, mineral oil, and turpentine that snake oil came in disfavor.
But surely there must be a legitimate, cold blooded cure based on proven science?
I am no Clark Stanley or President Trump, but might I suggest diluting mashed green leaves high in chlorophyll content with a mixture of quinine water and alcohol. It is not hydroxychloroquine, but it sounds pretty damn close. And over ice it is basically a gin and tonic spiced with algae. Maybe add a little garlic powder to ward away vampires. And a few drops of snake oil to cure bursitis, bad breath, and liver cancer.
If it gives us hope, how bad can it be?
Please drink responsibly and lick plenty of sunscreen before going outdoors.