These stories are the highlights of the year in review, but I’m actually pretty surprised we viewed them in the first place. Look them up if you still believe that fiction is stranger than truth.
MAN SCREAMING ‘WHY DON’T YOU DIE?’ AT SPIDER TRIGGERS POLICE RESPONSE
This is the kind of thing that can happen only in Australia. Apparently the passer-by who heard the commotion didn’t notice the spider, and I’m guessing that the police responded with riot gear, stun guns and a rolled up newspaper. If you are a human and you get “SWATted,” it’s dangerous. But if you are a spider and you get swatted, it’s game over. Later it was determined that the spider had escalated the situation, so no charges were filed.
NEARBY GALAXY IS HURTLING TOWARDS MILKY WAY AND COULD WIPE OUT LIFE ON EARTH
The talk on the streets is that there is a Large Magellanic Cloud running around out there and it’s making a bee-line for our galaxy, and specifically, my car. Currently the Large Magellanic Cloud is about 163,000 light years away, but could get close enough to put an end to life as we know it a couple billion years sooner than expected. They said the same thing two billion years ago and look what happened. I consulted several cosmetologists about this and none of them seemed too concerned about it.
FLORIDA MAN SHOVES PIZZA IN DAD’S FACE AFTER LEARNING HE HELPED DELIVER HIM AT BIRTH
Why this information should inflame the son so much is one mystery, and why this didn’t already happen in Australia is another. But I will say that if the dad took more than 30 minutes to help deliver him, the birth should be FREE! The bigger question is how come I never get attacked with pizza? After the pizza attack maybe some other guy could come along and thrash me with an orange soda, and then somebody with dessert could finish me off. It’s a case of assault and pepperoni.
CHINA GROWS FIRST PLANT ON THE MOON
Chongqing University’s experiment to grow a cotton seedling on board a Chinese lunar lander suffered a sad blow when the plant withered and died its first night as the temperature plunged to minus 170 degrees Celsius on the dark side of the Moon. I’m not sure what the Chinese are up to, but if they’re going to put a factory up there, delivery costs for my new sneakers are going to literally skyrocket. And if they intend to grow those weird vegetables that they use in Chinese food, like water chestnuts and bamboo shoots and “tree ears,” my farm-to-table restaurant is going to have to move their table. And I don’t want to say any of this too loudly because there is a tree right outside my office and I don’t want it to hear.
POLICE SEARCH FOR MOTHER HARASSING COLLEGE WOMEN TO DATE SON
The Baltimore Sun reported that a woman in her mid-50s was allegedly stalking the campus of Towson University showing her son’s photo to coeds and asking them if they’d like to date him. She’ll probably be out there looking until she comes across another mom with a picture of a daughter she’s trying to unload. As annoying as this woman may be, imagine what the son is like if his mom would go to these lengths to keep him from moving back in after he graduates.
LIGHTSABER-DUELING NOW RECOGNIZED AS COMPETITIVE SPORT IN FRANCE
The French Fencing Federation has sanctioned the Star Wars phenomenon in order to get younger people interested in the sport of fencing. If the French ever recognize robot battling, South Park trivia, Pokemon Go and drone racing, they can host their own Geek Olympics. May the farce be with you, but any fencing I do is going to be with a guy who runs a pawn shop in the Bronx.
BIRTH CONTROL PILLS LINKED TO FEWER SEVERE KNEE INJURIES IN TEEN GIRLS
A new study suggests that teenage girls who are taking birth control pills are less likely to injure their knees than those who are not on oral contraception. If you really think I need a joke here you need your knees examined.
See you next week for part two of The Year In Review!
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