Lost In Suburbia

September 12, 2018

The day started like any other. I showered, got dressed, walked the dog, and then headed over to the local coffee shop to get a beverage. But as I waited on line to give my order, Satan suddenly stabbed me in the back. Or rather, the boob. I had bent over to retrieve something I dropped on the ...

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Even though I have a less than stellar track record in terms of keeping goldfish alive, when a dear friend announced that she was moving and asked me to take her fish, I said okay. I was quick to warn her that goldfish did not tend to live long in my house, hence my nickname, “The Fish Killer.” ...

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One of the things I do actually love about the suburbs is the quiet. Of course, the quiet mostly happens in short spurts between clamorous bouts of home construction, lawn mowers, garbage trucks, cicadas, and dogs barking. But when I do get it, it’s glorious. So, naturally, as I was having one ...

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“You have an incompetent esophagus,” said my gastroenterologist. “What?” I replied. “I’ve never had an incompetent anything in my life.” I was appalled that someone would pass judgement on me like that. OK, maybe not on ME, but a part of me. And a part of me that I really had no control over, ...

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One day as I was walking through my town, I noticed a guy coming toward me walking his dog. I peered ahead and tried to figure out what breed the dog was. He didn’t look like any dog I’d ever seen before. As they got closer, I realized he didn’t even look like a dog. He actually looked like… A ...

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“Can you pick up some more tissues at the supermarket?” I asked my husband. “I’m not going out right now,” he replied. “Just use toilet paper.” I looked at him aghast. “I can’t do that,” I said. “It’ll scratch my nose.” “Does it scratch your butt?” “No.” “Then why would it scratch ...

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I was always very impressed that my dog could bark on command and come when I called his name, until I read in the newspaper about a dog that saved his owner’s life by calling 9-1-1. Apparently, when his owner had a seizure, the dog pushed a speed-dial button for 9-1-1, barked into the receiver for ...

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Not to brag, but our dog Monty is pedigree royalty. Yes, he’s like the Prince of Pooches, the Duke of Doggies, the King of Canines… well, you get the idea. Monty comes from a long line of Retriever blueblood. His mother, father, aunts, uncles, sisters and brothers are all champion show dogs with ...

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“Are you leaving me?” asked my husband one night as he surveyed the contents of my closet on our bed. “What? No!” I said. “Why would you think that?” “Every single article of clothing you own is laid out on our bed,” he replied. “So I have to assume you are either leaving me or you have ...

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