Dad in the Box

October 5, 2016

Like 80 million other Americans I watched the presidential debate the other night.  According to the news media, which supposedly fact checks bold assertions like this, the viewership numbers encroached into Super Bowl territory and was the most watched presidential debate in history.   But ...

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There can be no better feeling than hurling an uncooperative piece of electronics out a window.  It must satisfy our most basic human desire for revenge.     Oh yeah?  If you are so smart, how can you be so stupid? That’s what I would say as I watch it smash into pieces on a cold and uncaring ...

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I get all teary-eyed watching the Olympics on TV.  You  know, the human drama, the sacrifice, the dedication, the thrill of competition, the athletic lip sync murmur to the national anthem on the podium.     This year I discovered that there are many other Olympic champions besides the usual ...

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I just returned from a birthday party over the weekend.  It was totally out of control.   At least according to my dad.     It was his birthday.  He turned the big nine-oh.  That is ninety with a capital 9.    I think when you turn 90, an “out of control” birthday party has a ...

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As a rule I stay away from popular fads.  Politics included.   I find my views on the latest crazy trends that are sweeping the nation are usually wrong and completely out of touch with reality.     For example, for years I have been predicting the imminent demise of cell phones and the ...

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Given all the controversy surrounding private email servers circulating the political landscape lately, I have been thinking a lot about email confidentiality. I would share my thoughts with you, but then they wouldn’t be secure. So instead I will blind copy you so that you feel complicit in ...

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I used to think there was nothing more pathetic than a wet cat. I was wrong. A shaved cat is far more distressing. I have seen wet dogs and short-haired dogs and coiffed dogs before.  And except for absurdly groomed poodles, they still look like happy, healthy canines.  And a wet dog will ...

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A man kissed me while I was at a bar refilling my wife’s champagne glass. It is, after all, wedding season. But wait.  Let me back up.   Starting with the Trump rally in San Diego. Police are everywhere, patrolling in cars, on motorcycles, on foot.  In a predominantly hispanic ...

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Winning isn't everything, but it beats anything in second place. - William C. Bryant At 0:00 seconds, when the whistle finally blew, bedlam on an ordinary school lacrosse field in New Jersey ensued.  One side of the field erupted in deafening screams as jubilant high school girls ran to each ...

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My sixteen-year-old twins are worried that I am going to yell at them in the car. Given that they are both new drivers with learner's permits, this a probably a reasonable assumption. But I like to think that dispensing advice in the car is more like the distinction made with laughter:  I am ...

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On a day-to-day basis it makes me feel very secure to know that my teenage kids are emotionally healthy and coping comfortably well with school and life and social interactions at such an impressionable time in their lives. I know this to be true because they tell me. How was school today? ...

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I came back from vacation to some life changing news. It seems that while I was away dedicated scientists working overtime on a very important genetic study revealed the “root” cause of gray hair! (Sorry.) This is life changing because it means that if I go on vacation for a year or two, ...

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Let me just start off by saying that I do not like to cook. I suppose I could add a snarky rejoinder such as If you could taste my cooking you would understand why.  But the fact is, despite my aversion to the kitchen, I actually prepare meals admirably well.   As proof, I offer my healthy ...

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What if they threw a party and no one came? Outside of the obvious feeling of isolation, there is something kind of appealing at the thought of being the only one present at what should otherwise be a well-attended event. Certainly there would be plenty to eat, and for those of us who tend ...

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It may come as a bit of a shock, but I did not win the Powerball lottery last week.  Nor did anyone in my family.  Nor did you.  Just like that our dreams vanished and we were out $1.6 billion.  Not to mention the two dollars we spent on the ticket.  The good news is that a few lucky ...

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It’s 2016! I realize that this is not much of a revelation.  But it seems like only days ago that I woke up with a hangover and it was 2015. In truth, it was more like a week ago and I wasn’t hung over.  I woke on December 31st  with a mild headache then enjoyed a quiet New Years Eve at home ...

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Last week my friend Dana gave a kidney to someone in need. They actually refer to the selfless act of sacrificing an organ for the sake of others as a donation.  He correctly donated a kidney.  Maybe this means he can write off his kidney at the end of the year for tax purposes. And here I am ...

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I always enjoyed watching my daughter play youth soccer when she was little. Since I knew little about the game, my appreciation for her play was something that was initially hard to define.  But I soon recognized that I simply loved the way she ran; with long legs and a deep loping gait, she ...

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I don’t really care for the teams playing in the World Series this year. Opening pitch It may have something to do with being a Cubs fan.   1st Inning Whenever I watch baseball, my mind wanders.  Fanatics say there is a lot of drama and nuance deep inside the game.  I think there is a ...

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Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong. —  Murphy’s Law I don’t know who Murphy was, but he sure is blamed for a lot of bad stuff.   But sometimes Murphy’s Law doesn’t hold.  Sometimes everything that can possibly go wrong goes positively right.  Which really sucks for Murphy, who when ...

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What if . . . President Trump: Welcome Your . . . say, how should I address you? Honestly, Your Holiness sounds more like Hillary Clinton’s email server. How about Your Popeliness Pope Francis: Please Mr. President, you may call me Pope Francis.   President Trump:  I should know that. My ...

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What ever happened to trust? When I was in high school teachers trusted tthat we all completed our reading assignments over the summer.  The first day of school we were asked if we read whatever book we were supposed to read.  Everyone would raise their hands in the affirmative and some ...

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I hate my kids. Oh, I don’t mean that literally.  I mean I hate them in the sense that I am jealous.  Because at some point during my vain attempts to pass on my own limited skill sets and sensibilities, they started to exhibit talent and taste far exceeding my own.   Now I live my dreams ...

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I have been in neglect to discuss a very important and meaningful subject that touches all of our lives on a daily basis. I am, of course, referring to heavy appliances. You know.  Dishwashers, refrigerators, washing machines, dryers, cryogenic sleep chambers . . . all of those big heavy ...

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I have been in neglect to discuss a very important and meaningful subject that touches all of our lives on a daily basis. I am, of course, referring to heavy appliances. You know.  Dishwashers, refrigerators, washing machines, dryers, cryogenic sleep chambers . . . all of those big heavy ...

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Honestly, I don’t know why they bother to call Pluto the Dwarf Planet.  Either it is a planet or it isn’t. Calling it a Mini Planet or a Planette or a Junior Birdman Planet is equally bad.   Why not call it what it is?  A huge freaking ice cube.  Because with all of the other gazillions of icy ...

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I read somewhere that 70% of parents have a favorite child but won’t admit it.    This makes me feel awful.  I don’t have a favorite.  Never did.   So what is wrong with me as a parent?   Am I not able to make a decision?  What does this say about me as a father that I am not able to say ...

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The other morning I learned that Bruce Jenner is now a woman named Caitlyn. As far as I know she is the only reality show Olympic decathlon champion to ever grace the cover of a Wheaties Box and Vanity Fair Magazine in two different decades with two different names and two different genders.

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I hate emoji.   For those of you who receive unadulterated text messages free from cartoon additives, let me explain.  Emoji are those happy little picture images that are often used to punctuate messages with fun expressions of emotion that are not easily conveyed in short bursts of ...

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Greetings from the car of the future! First the good news:  We no longer have to drive!  The cars drive themselves! And now the bad news:  We still have to sit in them if we want to go anywhere. I am now 110 years old.  In the future molecular biologists have definitively proved that over ...

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