Dear Christy,

I’m struggling right now with my partner in the bedroom. He wants to be intimate all the time, and honestly, I’m just not into it as much.  

We live together and have been together for over 5 years. When we first got together we were messing around all the time, but now I feel like a few times a week is plenty. That doesn’t seem to be working for him.  

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I hate feeling like he is frustrated or unhappy with me if I say no. Is this normal? Are most people having a lot more sex than that? 

Sincerely,

Frustrated Chick

 

Dear Frustrated Chick,

This is a completely normal thing that you are struggling with. When two people first get together, usually they want to be together ALL the time! That’s the beginning faze of any relationship. But after a little while, you get to know each-other, and you fall back into your comfortable daily lifestyles.  

Everyone has their own sex drive. Some are higher and some are lower than others. As we get older, that changes over time, too. 

It's important to ask yourself, “How often do I want to be intimate with my partner? Is that amount doable? Between work and kids and time?" 

Have that conversation with your partner. Tell him what works for you and find out what works for him. Some weeks, you may have more time and energy to be together more often. 

The key here is: you never want to feel “pressured” to be with someone. Sex should always be something that both people want. If his sex drive is higher than yours, he could spend more time alone pleasuring himself. Then, when he is with you, he isn’t as frustrated.

Two people should enjoy each other but never “need” each other for sex. Being intimate with someone is a beautiful thing when the timing is right for both people.

It’s also possible that your partner is seeking personal touch from you. He may be missing that connection from you. So try and hold his hand while walking or driving. Maybe rub his shoulders while watching TV together. Cuddle with him in the mornings sometimes. That may very well close the gap that he is feeling. 

I highly recommend the book "The 5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman

All the very best,

Christy