Rip Van Doesn’t Sleep a Winkle

There was a time when I was a world-class sleeper. I would go to bed at midnight and I wouldn’t emerge from my darkened cave until noon the next day. Alarms couldn’t wake me up.  Firetrucks couldn’t wake me up. If there were an Olympic event for sleeping, I would have won a gold. I am sleep woman. Here me snore.

That was all, of course, before I became a mom. Once the kids arrived, so did the sleepless nights. There were years of sick nights, nightmares, monsters in the closets, monsters under the beds and the really skinny monsters that lurked in the air conditioning vents. For some reason, I was always the one they would wake up when there was a problem. Maybe it’s because my bed was closest to the door. Or maybe it was the sign my husband slept with around his neck that said, “Don’t wake me. Wake mom.” Either way, I was the parent of choice. After 10 years of this, I became an extremely light sleeper. If someone scratched their nose in the next room, I was up.

The good news was, eventually the monsters all disappeared and the kids started sleeping through the night, and then they left the house altogether. The bad news was, after too many years of sleepus-interruptus I had become a terrible sleeper.

Sign Up for E-News

“How’d you sleep?” asked my well-rested husband one morning.

“Not so great.”

“How come?” he wondered.

“I woke up when you sighed at 3 a.m. and then I was up until 5.”

“When I sighed?” he asked incredulously.

“Yes. You sigh in your sleep. It woke me up.”

“Are you kidding me? My sigh woke you up? I sigh that loud?”

“No. But I heard it,” I complained. “And then I couldn’t get back to sleep.”

He shook his head. It was beginning to dawn on him that he was married to a sleep-freak. It wasn’t just the noises though. If he rolled over in the bed, I woke up. If he pulled up the covers, I woke up. If he breathed, I woke up. He was actually a pretty considerate bed partner. Unfortunately, I had the sleep patterns of a fruit fly.

Since he was stuck with me, though, he volunteered some suggestions to help me with my sleeping issues.

“Warm milk?”

“I’m lactose intolerant!” I countered.

“Keep a pad of paper next to the bed?”

“I tried that,” I responded. “I wrote for an hour.”

“Boring book?”

“I found it interesting and read all night.”

He threw up his arms. “Sorry, Honey. I’ll try to blink quietly tonight.”

Finally, I consulted the sleep experts and learned that I was in a bad sleep habit. They said what I needed was a few nights of uninterrupted sleep to retrain my brain. I thought I probably needed a few years of uninterrupted sleep to retrain my brain. But I decided to take some steps to see if maybe I could turn my sleep issues around.

That night, I covered my eyes with a sleep mask, covered my head with a pillow, closed all the blinds and snuggled into bed.  But at three a.m., I jerked awake to the sound of a buzzsaw nearby. It was so loud, it sounded like it was in the bedroom. And then I realized… it was.

“Hey.” I poked my husband, “You woke me up with your snoring.”

“No, I didn’t,” he said.

“Then what was it?”

“Snoring.”

“But you just said you weren’t snoring.” I replied.

“I wasn’t,” he said. “You were.”

For more Lost in Suburbia, follow Tracy on Facebook at facebook.com/LostinSuburbiaFanPage or on Twitter at @TracyBeckerman.

The opinions expressed herein are the writer's alone, and do not reflect the opinions of TAPinto.net or anyone who works for TAPinto.net. TAPinto.net is not responsible for the accuracy of any of the information supplied by the writer.

TAP Into Another Town's News:

You May Also Be Interested In

Sign Up for E-News

Mahopac

Cuomo’s Frivolous Lawsuits Cost Us Money

Since Donald Trump became president, New York State has filed more than 100 lawsuits against the federal government. This includes those filed by both Attorney General Eric T. Schneiderman and Gov. Andrew Cuomo. It does not include lawsuits filed by the City of New York. Most of them are political in nature, filed to please the plaintiffs’ voting base. In the real world, if we had filed ...

The State of the Democratic Party

Last week, President Trump gave his first State of the Union address. Here are a few things he pointed out:

• Since the election, 2.4 million new jobs have been created.

• Unemployment claims have hit a 45-year low.

• African-American unemployment stands at the lowest rate ever recorded.

• Hispanic-American unemployment has also reached the lowest levels in ...

Beautiful, 'Clean' Coal

After completing his first full year in office—an alarming year, at that— Donald Trump has concluded that climate change is not a significant national threat and that the sacred lands and waters of this country should be sold to the highest bidder. 

The Trump administration has withdrawn from the Paris climate agreement; deregulated national landmarks; freed public lands for ...

Multigrain, Please

I have no craving for white bread; it’s too plain, predictable and tasteless for me. I hunger for a chunk of multigrain or rye, maybe even a good-sized piece of pumpernickel raisin, with a schmear of cream cheese on the side.

I have no appetite for bland, clean-cut, middle-of-the-road, isolationist politics. And I find unsettling the cultural sameness, gross consumerism and incurious ...

A Trip to the 'Liberry'

Raise your hand if you didn’t—did not—call the library the “liberry” when you were little. I’m guessing not a lot of hands just went up.

Didn’t just about all of us say “liberry” when we were learning to read? (Well, whaddya expect when a place is named something way too easy for little kids to mispronounce?)

OK. Now, raise your hand if ...

Peekskill AIMs to Become a 'Mediapolis'

What could the city of Peekskill possibly have in common with Silicon Valley, Hollywood and New York City? Like those familiar centers of multimedia creativity and commerce, the historic river town is downright giddy with excitement about transforming itself into a mediapolis, to coin a phrase.

Thanks to local movers and shakers, led by prominent Peekskill businessman Ben Green, the ...

I'm Mrs. Heat Miser

To be perfectly honest, I did not need a large rodent with insomnia to convince me that we had six more weeks of winter. It’s been so cold outside lately that when I go out, my nostrils stick together. The dog is so hesitant to go out that he does his business right on the deck, less than five feet from the door, and then gives me a look of contemptuous indignation when he comes back in the ...

Getting Off on the Wrong Foot

“What happened to your ankle?” asked my neighbor when he saw the orthopedic boot on my right foot.

“I tripped while I was in Pamplona running with the bulls,” I told him.

He raised his eyebrows. “Really?”

“No. Not really,” I admitted. “I was actually climbing Machu Picchu and I fell over a llama.”

“Seriously?” he ...

Upcoming Events

Wed, February 21, 6:00 PM

Putnam County Department of Health, Brewster

Freedom from Smoking

Health & Wellness

Wed, February 28, 6:00 PM

Putnam County Department of Health, Brewster

Freedom from Smoking

Health & Wellness

Thu, March 1, 7:00 PM

Kennedy Catholic High School, Somers

The Kennedy Catholic High School Players ...

Arts & Entertainment Other Religions And Spirituality

Bazzo Needs to Get His Facts Straight

February 15, 2018

To the editor,

Once again Mr. Bazzo, in his Feb. 8, column cherry picks facts, ignores other facts, passes along lies and spins so fast to the right that it’s amazing he doesn’t drill himself into the earth.

Bazzo is correct—the economy is doing well, and we should give credit where credit is due. Thank you, President Obama for taking the economy from the brink of another ...