The Eyelashes Have It

I stared down at the package of false eyelashes lying innocuously on my bathroom counter. They looked like two creepy spiders vacuum-sealed in plastic. Nevertheless, they were certainly feathery and lush and longer than my eyelashes, so I figured, spiders or not, I was going to figure out how to glue them on my eyelids if it killed me.

Just as an aside, I had not arbitrarily decided to torture myself by applying false eyelashes for the first time. I had gotten an invitation to a big fancy event and immediately knew I was going to have to step up my usual makeup routine to fit in. I pondered my options and decided this might be the perfect opportunity to try out false eyelashes.

I thought it would make sense to practice a few times before the event so I didn’t end up accidentally gluing them to my forehead. So, I went out and got five different lashes to try and brought them home for my Great False Eyelash Experiment. I figured, best-case scenario, I would become a bonafide false eyelash pro, go to my event and have everyone swoon over my long and lustrous lashes. Worst-case scenario, they would fall off and stick to my upper lip and everyone would call me Groucho for the night.

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In an effort to learn from my mistakes, I decided to keep a journal of my eyelash efforts.

Day One: For my first application, I thought I should try them out on someone other than myself, just to get the hang of it. Conclusion: The dog looks amazing with false eyelashes.

Day Two: I took the next leap and tried them on myself. I did not do a great job with the eyelashes, but I did master the fine art of gluing one eye shut. This actually takes a great deal more talent than one would think. Helpful tip: Have an eyepatch on hand so you can disguise your mistake by pretending to be a pirate for a day.

Day Three: I got both eyelashes on both eyelids but forgot to trim them to normal proportions so it looked like there were caterpillars on both eyes. I realized this when my husband tried to swat them off my face.

Day Four: I managed to get them on correctly and decided to take them out for a trial run. But I noticed that people at the store kept looking at me really strangely. When I got home, I looked in the mirror, and saw that one of my false eyelashes had migrated up to my eyebrow. Conclusion: Beautiful long eyelashes—pretty. Freakishly long eyebrow—not so much. 

Day Five: My false eyelashes stayed in the right place for the whole day and I even slept in them to really test out their staying power. But one fell off during the night and scared the heck out of me the next morning when I woke up and thought there was a dead centipede on my pillow.

FYI, false eyelashes hold their shape even when thrown onto the floor and stomped on.

Day Six: I finally have a successful false eyelash experience! My eyes look awesome.

And, of course, so do the dog’s.

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