The Tale of the Flying Tilapia

In case you may have missed it while perusing five hundred some odd channels of TV, there is a show on the Food Network called, “Worst Cook in America.”

I’m thinking of applying.

I’m honestly not quite as bad as some of the (ahem) cooks I’ve seen on that show. I can, in fact, scramble an egg and make spaghetti. However, whenever I try to expand my underwhelming food repertoire, I invariably end up dicing, slicing and overcooking my way into a three-alarm blaze that necessitates a visit from the local volunteer fire department and results in a kitchen coated in foamy carbon dioxide.

Sign Up for E-News

This happened again recently when I tried to get my steak to sear in a cast iron pan and I not only ended up burning the steak, but also, somehow, a bunch of bananas, two salt and pepper shakers and a thawing turducken. Not my crowning moment.

Ultimately I decided my problem was not that I was trying new recipes, but that I was trying recipes that were too complex for my sadly limited, highly combustible cooking skills.

So I decided to scale back and cook some tilapia. (Get it, “scale” back? That’s a fish joke.)

For those who don’t know, tilapia is a mild white fish that cooks in about five minutes in a pan and takes on the flavor of whatever seasoning you choose to sprinkle on it. It’s a fan favorite for moms who are trying to get their finicky eaters to have some fish and want something with a little more nutritional value than the cardboard fishsticks sold in the freezer section of the supermarket or at the local fastfood joint, made from some kind of fish that doesn’t actually exist in the real world or even a Disney movie.

Although I am a mother of two, I had never actually cooked tilapia for my kids, although I did serve them the frozen cardboard fishsticks because, in addition to being a terrible cook, I am also, apparently, a lousy mother. But then one day as I was perusing the salmon and shrimp, the tilapia caught my eye and I thought, “why not?”

The recipe I picked was super easy. “Lightly coat pan with olive oil and heat on medium flame, season tilapia with salt and pepper, garlic powder, parsley and dill, and then panfry it on both sides until the outside gets slightly crispy and the flesh turns white.” How hard could that be?

Not too hard… unless you are the Worst Cook in America.

Unfortunately, I skipped over the part of the recipe that said, “lightly coat” and “medium flame,” poured enough oil to qualify for OPEC status and then cranked up the flame to “Roaring Inferno.” Then I added the fish.

The tilapia immediately started popping and sizzling and spitting big gobs of hot oil into the air like the precursor to an Icelandic volcanic eruption. I realized then that the pan was too hot and there was too much oil and I quickly turned down the flame. But it was too late. With a sudden earth-shattering pop, the half-cooked tilapia literally flew out of the pan and onto the floor.

Clearly my first venture into panfrying a tilapia was not a rousing success.

But at least the dog liked it.

Connect with Lost in Suburbia on Facebook at facebook.com/LostinSuburbiaFanPage.

The opinions expressed herein are the writer's alone, and do not reflect the opinions of TAPinto.net or anyone who works for TAPinto.net. TAPinto.net is not responsible for the accuracy of any of the information supplied by the writer.

TAP Into Another Town's News:

You May Also Be Interested In

Sign Up for E-News

Mahopac

Cuomo’s Frivolous Lawsuits Cost Us Money

Since Donald Trump became president, New York State has filed more than 100 lawsuits against the federal government. This includes those filed by both Attorney General Eric T. Schneiderman and Gov. Andrew Cuomo. It does not include lawsuits filed by the City of New York. Most of them are political in nature, filed to please the plaintiffs’ voting base. In the real world, if we had filed ...

The State of the Democratic Party

Last week, President Trump gave his first State of the Union address. Here are a few things he pointed out:

• Since the election, 2.4 million new jobs have been created.

• Unemployment claims have hit a 45-year low.

• African-American unemployment stands at the lowest rate ever recorded.

• Hispanic-American unemployment has also reached the lowest levels in ...

Beautiful, 'Clean' Coal

After completing his first full year in office—an alarming year, at that— Donald Trump has concluded that climate change is not a significant national threat and that the sacred lands and waters of this country should be sold to the highest bidder. 

The Trump administration has withdrawn from the Paris climate agreement; deregulated national landmarks; freed public lands for ...

Multigrain, Please

I have no craving for white bread; it’s too plain, predictable and tasteless for me. I hunger for a chunk of multigrain or rye, maybe even a good-sized piece of pumpernickel raisin, with a schmear of cream cheese on the side.

I have no appetite for bland, clean-cut, middle-of-the-road, isolationist politics. And I find unsettling the cultural sameness, gross consumerism and incurious ...

A Trip to the 'Liberry'

Raise your hand if you didn’t—did not—call the library the “liberry” when you were little. I’m guessing not a lot of hands just went up.

Didn’t just about all of us say “liberry” when we were learning to read? (Well, whaddya expect when a place is named something way too easy for little kids to mispronounce?)

OK. Now, raise your hand if ...

Peekskill AIMs to Become a 'Mediapolis'

What could the city of Peekskill possibly have in common with Silicon Valley, Hollywood and New York City? Like those familiar centers of multimedia creativity and commerce, the historic river town is downright giddy with excitement about transforming itself into a mediapolis, to coin a phrase.

Thanks to local movers and shakers, led by prominent Peekskill businessman Ben Green, the ...

I'm Mrs. Heat Miser

To be perfectly honest, I did not need a large rodent with insomnia to convince me that we had six more weeks of winter. It’s been so cold outside lately that when I go out, my nostrils stick together. The dog is so hesitant to go out that he does his business right on the deck, less than five feet from the door, and then gives me a look of contemptuous indignation when he comes back in the ...

Getting Off on the Wrong Foot

“What happened to your ankle?” asked my neighbor when he saw the orthopedic boot on my right foot.

“I tripped while I was in Pamplona running with the bulls,” I told him.

He raised his eyebrows. “Really?”

“No. Not really,” I admitted. “I was actually climbing Machu Picchu and I fell over a llama.”

“Seriously?” he ...

Upcoming Events

Sat, February 17, 9:00 AM

Putnam County Department of Health, Brewster

PCDOH Free Flu Clinic

Health & Wellness

Wed, February 21, 6:00 PM

Putnam County Department of Health, Brewster

Freedom from Smoking

Health & Wellness

Wed, February 28, 6:00 PM

Putnam County Department of Health, Brewster

Freedom from Smoking

Health & Wellness

Bazzo Needs to Get His Facts Straight

February 15, 2018

To the editor,

Once again Mr. Bazzo, in his Feb. 8, column cherry picks facts, ignores other facts, passes along lies and spins so fast to the right that it’s amazing he doesn’t drill himself into the earth.

Bazzo is correct—the economy is doing well, and we should give credit where credit is due. Thank you, President Obama for taking the economy from the brink of another ...