'Tis the Season to Shop Online

I wouldn’t say I’m a fashionista, but I do like new clothes.

When I used to live in the city, I would use my lunch break at work to shop one-day sample sales. This had the dual advantage of keeping me slim (no lunch) and getting cool clothes at a bargain. Of course, there were no dressing rooms at these things and I live in fear of the day a hidden-camera tape surfaces on the internet of me ripping off my top in the middle of a showroom to try on a sample shirt.

Once we had kids and moved to the suburbs, my sample sale days came to an end, which was a good thing because the sight of me going shirtless in public would probably have scarred my children for life.

Sign Up for E-News

Then I discovered online sample sales. On the plus side, no showroom disrobing. On the downside, you can’t really tell size, cut or quality from a picture unless you really know the brand you are shopping. This has led to more than one impulse buy that ended with me at the UPS store mailing back something that looked great online but looked like an outfit for Burlesque Barbie in real life.

Fortunately, I have figured out how to avoid this disappointment by sticking with these Top 10 Rules for Online Clothes Shopping:

1. I do not buy anything that is called a “frock.” It’s either a dress or a long shirt. If they call it a frock, you know they are trying to make it sound better than it really is and probably would only look good on your pet poodle or in a revival of “The Sound of Music.”

2. I do not buy anything that is called a “smock.” When I was growing up, we wore a smock to protect our “good” clothes. That doesn’t bode well for the hipness of a smock.

3. I do not buy anything they refer to as “boho-chic.” It’s either boho or it’s chic; it can’t be both. Look at the pictures of your mom at Woodstock. That was boho. Is that chic? I don’t think so.

4. I do not buy any jackets called “puffers.” If it starts out puffy before I even put it on, I have no doubt I will look like the Michelin Man in it.

5. I don’t buy rompers. Five-year-olds wear rompers. I will not look like a 5-year-old if I buy a romper. I will just look like a really stupid 50-year-old.

6. I don’t buy jumpsuits. See Point No. 5.

7. I don’t buy any dress described as “babydoll” because the sight of me in one would certainly scar my children almost as much as the sight of me shirtless in a sample sale showroom.

8. I do not buy any jeans that are described as “high-waisted.” Unless you are a Victoria’s Secret model, they are Mom Jeans, plain and simple.

9. I do not buy anything described as a “miracle.” Even if it cinches you in one area, all that fat has to go somewhere and chances are, it’s gonna make some other part of you look twice as big as it really is.

10. I will not buy anything covered in faux animal prints. Giraffes look good in reticulated spots.

Me? Not so much. Especially if it is an animal print frock.

For more Lost in Suburbia, follow Tracy’s blog at lostinsuburbia.com.

The opinions expressed herein are the writer's alone, and do not reflect the opinions of TAPinto.net or anyone who works for TAPinto.net. TAPinto.net is not responsible for the accuracy of any of the information supplied by the writer.

TAP Into Another Town's News:

You May Also Be Interested In

Sign Up for E-News

Mahopac

What Is Cambridge Analytica?

Cambridge Analytica is a research organization. Apparently, it is funded by the Mercer family, second only to the Koch brothers on the liberal hit list. Both, through their philanthropy, spend millions on various needy organizations like hospitals. What makes them liberal targets is their funding of various conservative think tanks and candidates. I digress.

Cambridge Analytica used Facebook ...

Democrats Are Coming After Your Money

Understand what it will mean if you elect Democrats in November. When the tax reform bill passed in February, not one Democrat voted for it. In fact, during the discussions leading up to the vote, they lied and said your taxes will go up and only the rich will benefit. I wrote back then about the fallacy of their argument and I was right.

As a whole, Democrats and more and more of ...

Support the Hamlet Renaissance

April 6, 2018

This past August, the Greater Mahopac-Carmel Chamber Legislative Advocacy Board (LAB) published its Carmel Vision 2020 paper outlining the need for a new townwide master plan. Since then things have certainly taken off.

The current focus is on Mahopac’s business district and the town’s purchase of the Swan Cove parcel where dilapidated row homes currently stand. The intention is to ...

‘Sister Act’: A Musical Like Nun Other

Of all the Broadway musicals I’ve seen over the years at Westchester Broadway Theatre, only a handful have elicited the noisily enthusiastic audience response I observed at the recent opening night of “Sister Act.”

There were outbursts of applause in the middle of some numbers, and several clever turns of phrase sprinkled in the dialogue landed squarely, to the delight of big ...

Seen Any Good Ol’ Movies Lately?

As I become more, uh, mature, I find myself enjoying older movies more than newer movies. The trio of films presented here for your consideration are three of my all-time favorites. They share great stories, great screenplays, great directing, great acting. They also have in common ratings in the 90s on Rotten Tomatoes, and a place of distinction in the National Film Registry, a highly selective ...

Privacy? LOL!

Author’s Note: Mom + Pop Culture are a couple of real characters. They could be you and me. Or not. Every so often, I eavesdrop on their conversations. Let’s listen in on what they’re saying right now about how Facebook fans are shocked—shocked!—that their privacy has been compromised, prompting them to rise up and exhort oppressed social media users everywhere to ...

Cleaning the Empty Nest

Part of the shock of being a part-time empty nester is when the kids come back to visit and I have to watch my house transform overnight from a pristine haven of OCD goodness to a place that looks like an explosion happened at Forever 21.

After my kids moved mostly out, I put away whatever tchotchkes they chose to leave behind and then I put on a hazmat suit and cleaned their rooms until they ...

Tipping the Scales in My Favor

As I was settling into bed one night, I happened to catch my husband out of the corner of my eye.

He was getting on the scale.

“WHAT ARE YOU DOING?” I yelled at him. He jerked his head around and looked at me with alarm.

“What? I’m weighing myself.”

I jumped out of bed and yanked him off the scale. 

“You can’t do that now!” I ...

Doing Time in the Big House

“So, what did the doctor say about Dad?” I asked my mom over the phone.

“He has an incarcerated hernia,” she replied.

“INCARCERATED hernia?” I repeated.

“Yes.”

“Why is it incarcerated? Did it rob a bank?”

“What? No.”

“Unlawful entry? Obstruction? Insider trading?” I ...

Upcoming Events

Thu, April 19, 5:30 PM

Starr Ridge Banquet Center, Brewster

CoveCare Center's 9th Annual Adult Spelling Bee

Food & Drink Health & Wellness

Thu, April 19, 5:30 PM

Starr Ridge Banquet Center, Brewster

9th Annual Adult Spelling Bee

Arts & Entertainment Giving Back Health & Wellness

Thu, April 19, 6:00 PM

Athletes Warehouse, Pleasantville

FORE Your Health: Injury Prevention and Treatment ...

Health & Wellness Sports

Houlihan Lawrence in Yorktown Welcomes Three New Team Members

April 10, 2018

Zef Camaj, brokerage manager, recently welcomed three salespersons to the team.

Marco Nogueras is an enthusiastic and dedicated professional who uses technologically advanced marketing techniques bringing the real estate experience to a new level. He values customer service and will ensure your goals are met while keeping you updated on current market conditions. Marco has spent the majority ...