Lost In Suburbia

I'm All Pumped Up

This time last year, I struggled with my New Year’s resolution to go to the gym.

This year, I have made significant progress. I am going to the gym on a semi-regular basis. And by semi-regular, I mean, I go often enough that I actually remember where it’s located between visits.

The bad news, however, is that my workouts are just, how would you say it? Lame. Yes, they’re lame. I am a lazy gym rat. I wouldn’t even call myself a rat. I’m more like a lazy gym sloth. I get bored on the elliptical and then switch to a bike, then I get bored on the bike and switch to a treadmill, then I get bored on the treadmill and switch to something that moves my arms and legs at the same time in different directions and looks like a medieval torture device. I even tried a few classes, but apparently those were made for Amazonian wonder women who can shoot an arrow from their inner thighs while boxing and doing burpees. I can do burpees, too, but with me it involves gas and means something completely different.

Sign Up for E-News

Had I gotten exercise credit for all the times I changed machines, it might have actually been a pretty good workout. Kind of like when I walk downstairs from the bedroom to the kitchen to get a cupcake and then back up again. Come to think of it, maybe that’s not such a great analogy.

But anyway, one day I faced the fact that I’m not really motivated and not getting anywhere with my workouts, so I asked another gym-goer how she got her gym mojo.

“I got a personal trainer,” she said. “He kicks my butt.”

I nodded but I wasn’t sure that actually sounded like a good thing. Now, if she had said, “I got a personal trainer and he gives me molten chocolate lava cake when we finish working out,” I could definitely get on board with that. But I would imagine that kind of defeats the purpose of getting your butt kicked, much like counting walking downstairs on my way to get a cupcake from the kitchen as exercise.

Maybe it’s becoming a little clearer now why this whole diet and exercise thing has been a challenge for me.

Still, the gym was running a special on training, so I decided to give it a month and see if having someone yell at me while I’m on the medieval torture device would help me overcome my lack of gym-thusiasm.

(On a side note, all the trainers at my gym are in their 20s and built like Chris Hemsworth, which may or may not be one of the reasons I decided to sign up. Naturally, they assigned me a female trainer.)

I told my new trainer, Val, I wanted to get fit and lose fat. But before I could start training, she gave me a fitness test to see which areas I needed to strengthen. I gave it everything I had, but ultimately it was determined that I had the flexibility of a cement block and the stamina of a tired bulldog. So, she decided to start me at the cement block/tired bulldog level—basically the same level at which they start people in nursing homes. 

“OK, girlfriend, I set up a circuit for you,” she finally said enthusiastically. “We’re going to start with a set of side planks first. These will help you with your muffin top. Then we’re going to do a set of squats for your banana folds. And finally, triceps pulldowns for your chicken wings.”

I looked at her, turned around and picked up my bag to leave.

“Where are you going?” she asked.

“I’m going to get breakfast,” I said. “I have no idea what you just said, but all this talk about muffins, bananas and chicken wings made me hungry.”

For more Lost in Suburbia, check out Tracy’s website at lostinsuburbia.com.

The opinions expressed herein are the writer's alone, and do not reflect the opinions of TAPinto.net or anyone who works for TAPinto.net. TAPinto.net is not responsible for the accuracy of any of the information supplied by the writer.

TAP Into Another Town's News:

You May Also Be Interested In

Sign Up for E-News

Mahopac

I Do Not Make Stuff Up!

A couple of weeks ago, I wrote in my column, “Watergate analogies apply to Obama, not Trump,” that President Obama’s Justice Department planted a spy in the Trump campaign. I said I used the term “spy” because this was a counter-intelligence operation, not a criminal investigation, where the term informant would have been proper.

That statement has been brought ...

Here's What You Missed Last Week

Last week, the Daily News ran a headline, “When is our father coming home?” This dealt with a person here illegally, married to an American woman with a family, who was arrested at an Army base while delivering pizza. You are supposed to think that U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE), under Trump, is tearing families apart. As usual, it was a crock of cow pies. It was ...

Reagan on Trump

The party of “Honest Abe” has now become the party of Dishonest Don, and what follows are some disturbing displays of a Republican Party that has become devoid of conscience:

• More than 4,600 American citizens dead in Puerto Rico—a postscript to the government’s abysmal response to the widespread devastation of Hurricane Maria; 
• The underhanded ...

The Rich Get Richer, and We’re Paying For It

According to a Harvard University study published late last year, most Americans believe that the richest 20 percent of Americans own just half of the nation’s wealth. Wrong! The top 20 percent own 93 percent of the nation’s wealth, and the top 1 percent own 40 percent of that wealth. Additionally, the top 10 percent of earners in 2017 took home more than half the nation’s ...

What Kind of Sports Parent Are You?

Social media recently showered a lot of likes and love on a high school pitcher in Minnesota whose team was playing in a regional final that would send the winning team to the state championship game.

After the last batter of the game struck out, the pitcher did something unheard of. Rather than spontaneously join his teammates in an on-field celebration, as is customary, the pitcher ...

Competing—Against Yourself

This is the time of year when students are recognized at public ceremonies for notable achievements in their studies, their sports and in their extracurricular pursuits.

Where we live, there are awards in various sports that are named for our son, who also is memorialized by town ballfield Harrison Apar Field of Dreams and a charitable foundation of the same name.

Due to a rare dwarfism, ...

Packing Heat

“Are you leaving me?” asked my husband one night as he surveyed the contents of my closet on our bed.

“What? No!” I said. “Why would you think that?”

“Every single article of clothing you own is laid out on our bed,” he replied. “So I have to assume you are either leaving me or you have joined the armed services and if that’s the ...

I Come from the Land Down Under

I know this is a family column, so I’m going to put this in as delicate terms as possible.

This morning I woke up and I knew, as sure as the sun shines over Bora Bora, that something was very, very wrong in that place in my body where the Bora Bora sun doesn’t shine.

It’s that place I used to refer to my daughter as her hoo-hoo. But it certainly wasn’t a happy ...

Upcoming Events

Carousel_image_b4cc78dd32adbbf57c97_2018_hiv_testing_day_eng

Wed, June 27, 9:00 AM

Putnam County Department of Health, Brewster

PCDOH Free HIV Testing Day

Health & Wellness