Lost In Suburbia

When It's Not OK to Ask If Everything's OK

There is this thing that I do that annoys the heck out of my family. Well, to be honest, there are a lot of things I do that annoy the heck out of my family, but I am thinking of one thing in particular.

Whenever someone is in the bathroom for what I determine to be an abnormally long period of time, I stand outside the bathroom door and yell,

“EVERYTHING OK IN THERE?”

Sign Up for E-News

I don’t know if it’s a woman thing or a mom thing or a Jewish thing, or maybe a combination of all three. It’s definitely not a guy thing because when the guy in question exits the bathroom, he glares at me and asks me why I do that.

“Well, I just want to make sure you are OK,” I stammer.

“If I am NOT OK, I will either yell for help or slip a piece of toilet paper under the door that says, ‘I’m constipated. Call 911.’ ”

I shrug. “I can’t help myself.”

“What are you worried might be happening in there?” he asked. “I fell into the toilet and drowned? Hit myself in the head with the plunger and got a concussion? Climbed out the window and ran off with some woman who doesn’t ask me if everything is OK when I’m in the bathroom too long?”

“Not the first one,” I responded. “Possibly the second. Definitely the third.”

I’m not actually sure why I ask that question. I think it comes from the days when the kids were little and new at the whole bathroom thing. Although I understood that part of them feeling grown up was having privacy in the bathroom, I was nevertheless concerned that they would break some toilet taboo like not get their pants down the whole way, not wipe good enough or, heaven forbid, miss the toilet completely. Since this was most likely to happen at someone else’s house, it had the effect of making me a nervous wreck whenever someone announced they “had to go.” For a while, I tried the old, “Can you hold it in?” plea, but when their faces would start to turn blue and the legs started to cross, followed by the crotch grab and the “gotta go now” dance, I knew I had to give in and let the chips fall where they may or, rather, the pee fly where it did.

So I got into the habit of standing outside the bathroom door and asking, “Everything OK?” which loosely translated to, “Do I need to come in there with a mop and bucket and hazmat suit?”

Soon, I was asking everybody who used our bathroom the same question: the kids, my husband, visiting relatives, friends and dignitaries who were in the bathroom just a little too long. (Note to readers: When the Dalai Lama uses your bathroom, it is not necessary to ask if everything is OK in there. If it is not, he will get it right in his next life.)

Although I knew it was not really appropriate to keep track of someone’s bathroom time and then question their status when I decided they had been in there too long, I still had trouble shaking the habit. This is when I realized I didn’t need to stop asking the question, I just had to find the appropriate time to use it.

So, the next time I let the dog out to do his business and it took him a while to come back in, I felt perfectly fine yelling, “Everything OK out there?”

For more Lost in Suburbia, check out Tracy’s website at lostinsuburbia.com.

The opinions expressed herein are the writer's alone, and do not reflect the opinions of TAPinto.net or anyone who works for TAPinto.net. TAPinto.net is not responsible for the accuracy of any of the information supplied by the writer.

TAP Into Another Town's News:

You May Also Be Interested In

Sign Up for E-News

Mahopac

America's Pizza Crisis

To me, pizza is the perfect food.

It contains all your major food groups: dairy, vegetables, bread and meat. It needs no alterations, no improvements, no changes. It is perfect in its pristine, glorious incarnation—unless you are in Chicago. I don’t know what the hell that thing is.

But like any good meal, the key to stellar pizza is the recipe and the quality of the ...

A (Burnt) Toast to Love and Marriage, on the Rocks

In its first few moments, sitcom-style comedy “Clever Little Lies” grabs audience attention right away, with one of the most revealing wardrobe changes you’ll ever see on stage. It is done modestly but just provocatively enough to elicit vocal appreciation from amused patrons.

The fast-paced play, starring Richard Kline of TV comedy classic “Three’s ...

A Snowflake for All Seasons

My name is Bruce and I’m a snowflake.

It’s quite the burden to bear.

I trace it to my childhood.

I don’t know what my parents were thinking.

They had a crazy notion to bring me up to not reflexively dislike other people.

So, I don’t know any better.

I don’t begrudge anybody what they have or what they don’t have.

That’s not true.

I ...

The Adventures of Superdog

I was always very impressed that my dog could bark on command and come when I called his name, until I read in the newspaper about a dog that saved his owner’s life by calling 9-1-1. Apparently, when his owner had a seizure, the dog pushed a speed-dial button for 9-1-1, barked into the receiver for help, and then opened the door when the responders arrived.

Honestly, though, it’s ...

Monty, the Magnificent

Not to brag, but our dog Monty is pedigree royalty. Yes, he’s like the Prince of Pooches, the Duke of Doggies, the King of Canines… well, you get the idea.

Monty comes from a long line of Retriever blueblood. His mother, father, aunts, uncles, sisters and brothers are all champion show dogs with enough medals and ribbons to make Lassie woof with envy. While his lineage is ...

Upcoming Events

Wed, July 25, 7:30 PM

Carmel Cinema 8, Carmel

Screening: “Suicide: The Ripple Effect”

Health & Wellness

Carousel_image_cacd9d489f78ac41874a_2018_july_rabies_flyer

Sat, July 28, 10:00 AM

Hubbard Lodge, Cold Spring

PCDOH Free Rabies Clinic

Health & Wellness

Fri, August 3, 9:45 AM

Carmel Fire Department, Carmel

2018 Big Latch On

Health & Wellness