Out Of My Head

July 5, 2018

To me, pizza is the perfect food. It contains all your major food groups: dairy, vegetables, bread and meat. It needs no alterations, no improvements, no changes. It is perfect in its pristine, glorious incarnation—unless you are in Chicago. I don’t know what the hell that thing is. But like ...

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Since its inception, Facebook has been a regular target of mockery and criticism—everything from, “Do I really need to see a picture of the pastrami sandwich you had for lunch?” to “Why did you help the Russians get Donald Trump elected?” No one likes to mock and criticize more than I do—just ...

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When I lived in Los Angeles, I was a senior editor for a magazine called Pool & Spa News. It was the leading trade magazine in North America for the swimming pool and hot tub industry. It was a fun and fascinating job—and I learned a lot. One of the many things I learned was about how pools ...

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A couple of weekends ago, I went up to the Koehler Senior Center to take a picture. The Senior Citizens of Mahopac had raised $510 for Toys for Tots and was going to present the check. Now, you may or may not know that Toys for Tots is a program started by the U.S. Marines, so we had a genuine ...

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My sister used to make fun of me because I didn’t do the Facebook thing.  It took me a long time to even go through the machinations of setting up an account—and I can’t recall the reasons I finally did it—and then once I did, I rarely used it. My sister said that made me a “creeper”—someone who ...

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I will never forget the look on my father’s face. He was not an overly emotional man—usually quick with a pithy remark or a roll of the eyes, but he seldom openly revealed when something was eating at him from the inside out. He grew up during the Great Depression. It was how they handled hard ...

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Do you think a bunch of fiery balls of gas, millions of lightyears away from you, can influence whether the boy you have a crush on will be receptive to your advances? Do those same balls of burning gasses, depending on the Earth’s position in the solar system during your time and day of birth, ...

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Remember the days when you would go to buy something, the clerk would tell you how much it actually cost and you then would give him that amount of money and be on your way? You: Yes, I would like to purchase your finest sphallolalia in taupe, please. You don’t have taupe, mauve will ...

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I don’t like guns. There. I said it. The cat is out of the bag. Does that make me a snowflake; a social justice warrior? I sure hope so. To be honest with you, if I woke up tomorrow morning and discovered that guns no longer existed—that every one of them had been tossed into the deepest ...

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