Well, it is finally here. I am not talking about Hanukkah. Or Christmas. Or the season finale of The Amazing Race. I am talking about the much anticipated Covid-19 vaccine.
Unfortunately, most of us won’t be eligible for this magic elixir for a while. We won’t be lighting a candle or rummaging around under the Christmas tree excitedly ripping apart a brightly wrapped package which looks enticingly like a brand new iPhone.
“Oh boy! It’s a . . . wait, what is this? A syringe?”
No, the first doses of frozen hope are being meted to those brave, front line workers who gown-up day in and day out to intimately tend to the needs of an ever escalating number of individuals this holiday season.
And I am not referring to mall Santas. Even though sitting confined indoors with an endless parade of sniffling kids sitting on your lap seems pretty brave to me.
Ho. Ho. Ho. And what do you want for Christmas, little girl?
“I want my grandparents to be alive.”
No, after the selfless health care workers and the most-at-risk aged in nursing homes, the rest of us can expect to stand in brand new queues established exclusively for Covid vaccinations. Right next to the lines for testing and food.
As exciting as these imminent vaccines are, the health and safety of injecting an unproven drug through a sharp needle stuck into your arm muscle—twice—is under scrutiny by skeptics. And the vaccination process itself is rampant with misinformation raging over social media like, well, a viral pandemic.
Being a responsible and dedicated chronicler of life during Covid who does not want to be left out of the conversation, I feel it is my profound duty, then, to contribute to this wealth of misinformation in whatever way I can.
In that light, I give you:
The Covid-19 Vaccine: What You Don’t Need to Know
Isn’t the vaccine a way for the government to control us?
This is a common misconception circulating social media these days. The answer is no, but unfortunately I don’t have security clearance to provide any more details than this.
I am afraid of needles. Will it hurt?
How old are you? Five? Of course it hurts. Suck it up.
Is it true that the Covid-19 vaccine is made from harvested fetal material?
This is completely false, and frankly absurd. The vaccine’s primary ingredient is a nucleoside-modified silicon tracking microchip developed by Bill Gates, harvested from young Surface Pro computers that are still in beta test.
I heard the vaccine has to be kept ice cold. Won’t it freeze my blood?
The vaccine must be transported and stored in special refrigeration units which hold the temperature to about 2 degrees celsius. This is roughly the same temperature as a frozen margarita. If you can handle brain freeze, you can handle a cold shot to the arm.
Don’t vaccines cause serious side effects and even death?
The risks surrounding vaccines are minimal. Think about it. Have you ever heard of anyone having a bad reaction to a Cootie shot? I mean, other than getting a bruise or dying from embarrassment.
Why should I take the vaccine?
By taking the vaccine you are not only protecting yourself and others against the spread of Covid-19, you are ensuring that obscene profits will be earned by the large pharmaceutical companies and media conglomerates that are in cahoots to promulgate this massive hoax. This should be very reassuring If, like me, you have beefed up your 401k portfolio with biotech, media, and medical supply securities.
How can I trust something that was developed and approved in just 9 months?
Vaccine development and approval is indeed a lengthy process involving extensive research, expansive clinical trials, and rigorous approval by the Food and Drug Administration. The process can take years. But thanks to the dedication of countless scientists under the direction of government programs funded by billions of dollars, we now have an effective vaccine in record time.
The real question you should be asking yourself is this: Can I trust something released by a group that calls itself Operation Warp Speed? Shoot me up Scotty.
Does the vaccine alter DNA?
Unlike other popular epigenetic pharmaceuticals like LSD and tanning parlors, the vaccine has absolutely no ability to mutate DNA molecules in the cell. Reports of trial participants growing arms out of their heads are grossly exaggerated.
What is herd immunity and why is it important?
Herd immunity is an animal husbandry term equating humans to cattle and goats. As it relates to vaccination, if enough animals achieve immunity through inoculation, the virus has no simple transmission path and ultimately disappears from the herd. Similarly, herd mentality occurs when a substantial number of human animals become immune to common sense and blindly follow each other off a cliff. When it comes to Covid-19 vaccination, you need to decide which herd you are in.
How do I get the vaccine?
Get in line. Six feet behind me.