BARNEGAT LIGHT – Snapping pictures of female lifeguards’ butts touched off a tidal wave of trouble. A councilwoman took the photos as proof that most of the borough’s two dozen female lifeguards aren’t wearing shorts over their municipal-issued two-piece swimsuits. Upset lifeguards demanded apologies. Their angry parents fired off ‘how-dare-you’ letters. Meetings were held to air the fuss. It all stunned Councilwoman Mary Ellen Foley, who tells The Sandpaper it “blew up really quickly.  I didn’t think (taking pictures) was a big deal, but (lifeguards) did.” Foley withdrew her prudish objections this week after the lifeguard chief explained that stripping off shorts can often delay water rescues. And, not to be cheeky, the chief says her young, female lifeguards all wear modest, two-piece swimsuits with “full-coverage” bottoms. No ifs, ands, or butts.

AT HOME – You’ll still be limited to your five TV screens, four laptops and three streaming services, with word a federal judge is forbidding movie theaters to reopen in New Jersey. It looks like you are stuck with 1,000 television channels and endless catalogues of movies, series, sports and games at home, as AMC, Cinemark and others failed in their bid to get a temporary restraining order against Gov. Phil Murphy’s executive orders. Movie houses claim it is ridiculous that houses of worship are allowed to open, as people freely sit in pews, prostrate and pray. But those same people are banned from those theater recliners, to consume a wheelbarrow of popcorn and a bucket of soda (with free refills). Apparently, the legal argument is about free speech, which didn’t distract this judge from his latest Netflix binge. Extra butter, anyone?

STATEWIDE – While New Jersey school districts ponder the best way to split schedules between in-person and remote learning as they trudge toward September’s grand reopening, there’s a problem they just can’t solve: Students and teachers are afraid to come back. Some point fingers at Gov. Phil Murphy, who has insisted that every public school offer in-classroom instruction. Some have sharp words for the state Board of Education, which has shrugged its metaphoric shoulders and left it up to districts to figure it all out, NJ Spotlight reports. What happens now? Some say that being scared isn’t enough reason for teachers to stay home. That sounds great, until teachers with health problems or with family members who are immuno-compromised share their stories. As for the kids, it’s impossible to imagine any politician or school official who knowingly would put them in danger. Next step: lawyers and lawsuits.

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BRIEFING BREATHER

One in every four Americans has appeared on television at some point.

STATEWIDE – If you can open a motor vehicle office, why not an unemployment office?  That is the big question for state officials, taking some lumps that it remains unclear when unemployment offices will reopen for in-person services. Michael Testa, a Republican senator from Cape May, is raising some questions, noting he has been asking for two months that these offices resume walk-in service, yet there appears to be no movement. Compounding the aggravation was the opening of the MVC offices, which has been a well-documented disaster as we all know. State labor officials remain mum on a planned re-opening, simply saying all the field offices remain “virtual and telephonic,” adding the decision was based after “much consideration, research, and discussion,” NJ.com reports. Any questions? Please hold.

MOUNT HOLLY – Burlington County freeholders won’t wait for the state. They are already calling themselves “county commissioners.” Freeholder Director Felicia Hopson says her county will “lead the way (because) retiring this relic title from a period of slavery is the right thing to do.” Gov. Phil Murphy, Sen. President Stephen Sweeney and Assembly Speaker Craig Coughlin began pushing a bipartisan bill last week to rid New Jersey of “freeholders,” calling it an outdated symbol of racial injustice. But a simple name change gets expensive. So Hopson tells the Burlington County Times that her county will swiftly remove “freeholder” from its website, social media and email, then gradually replace big-ticket items like signs, stationery and the county seal. 

IN OTHER IMPORTANT NEWS

OXFORDSHIRE, ENGLAND – You can’t blame China for this one. A British teen who was using the famous Chinese app, Tik Tok, climbed into a baby swing to make her video seem super cool. But then the 14-year-old girl got hopelessly stuck, unable to wedge herself out. It got so bad that firefighters were called, removing the swing from its hinges and then liberally applying liquid soap to slowly slide the girl out. Friends giggled off camera, as one shouted “You may not be famous on Tik Tok, but you certainly will be at the fire station!” The freshly-freed girl plans to bake firefighters a cake to show her appreciation, hopefully while not performing a Tik Tok.

THIS DAY IN HISTORY

It was this day in 1994 that “Baseball Night in America” premiers, which means there were no Saturday day games.  Wow, can you imagine a summer day without baseball?

WORD OF THE DAY

Parsimonious – [par-suh-MOH-nee-us] – adjective

Definition: Exhibiting or marked by thrift or economy

Example: I hate playing Monopoly with Mel because of his parsimonious ways of haggling over Marvin Gardens.

WIT OF THE DAY

“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.” 

-George Carlin

TODAY'S TRUMPISM

“Joe Biden and the Radical Left want to abolish suburbs.”

- Donald J. Trump

WEATHER IN A WORD

Lovely