LODI – Strip clubs aren't much fun without, well, you know. But, serving outdoor-only food is the best they can legally offer at Satin Dolls, the go-go bar made famous as the “Bada Bing” in “The Sopranos.” Closed since March, Satin Dolls made a less-than-grand “grand re-opening” last week, announcing it on a yellow banner tied to a parked car. The Record says outdoor seating is limited to a pair of big wooden folding tables, set socially-distant six feet apart. So, trading stripper poles for telephone poles, there’s nothing titillating for customers to see except a not-so-erotic view of Route 17. If you’re immune to exhaust fumes and traffic noise, the Satin Dolls waitstaff – wearing masks (and at least some clothes) – is serving beer, booze, burgers, Buffalo wings and other pub fare. And – if you show up with a big, fat wad of singles – just leave a healthy tip on the table.

AT THE LAKE – We hate to break it to you, but the first harmful algae blooms of the season have oozed their way into two New Jersey lakes — Mountain Lake in Warren County and Rosedale Lake in Mercer County. It comes just when you were dreaming of immersing yourself in cool, clear freshwater away from streets, malls, boardwalks and all those places where your fellow New Jerseyans are cozying up to each other. NJ Spotlight relays the news from the state Department of Environmental Protection, where folks know all about harmful algae blooms. Last year, they confirmed 39 slimy outbreaks and reported another 70 “suspected outbreaks” that closed dozens of lakes. The 2019 blooms prompted environmentalists to predict a chronic problem is brewing unless state and local authorities find a way to reduce the flow of lawn fertilizer, farm runoff and septic-system leakage that helps the blooms form. And, no, Superman, it’s not a good idea to plunge in and swim through them; exposure can cause skin rashes and eye irritation, while ingesting contaminated water could lead to abdominal pain, nausea and vomiting. Just like a “Jersey Shore” episode.

WEST LONG BRANCH – It’s not been a good week for President Woodrow Wilson, currently dead for 96 years. Assume his polling numbers have dropped even farther into the toilet, following the latest reminders of all his racism and hate as President more than a century ago. First, he lost his name on a Camden high school and now Monmouth University is changing the name of its glorious “Wilson Hall,’’ where the president once spent the summer in splendor. The fact that Wilson showed a movie in the White House portraying KKK members as heroes, and supported the re-segregation of federal offices, are just a couple of key reasons why people are now fed up with the 26th President of the United States.

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BRIEFING BREATHER

The Internet is actually a bunch of cables.

STATEWIDE – When historians look back one day on this COVID-19 disaster, New Jersey may serve as a shining example of what was done right to flatten that so-called curve. The Record reports that the state is on track to control the virus, based on smart, preventative policies. While the print on this history book is still a bit wet, New Jersey is already being recognized for a strong turnaround, after leading the country in per capita deaths. This is according to a nonprofit group called “Covid Act Now.” While the state was able to reduce the number of patients admitted to hospitals and dying from the disease, other states put their collective heads in the sand and are now getting pummeled with new cases. This non-profit group says New York and Michigan are also getting huge accolades for saving lives.

HACKENSACK – Never go on a crime spree in a shiny white pickup. And, don’t use such a conspicuous truck over and over again. That’s how police finally caught a pair of brazen 22-year-old “porch pirates” and their teenage cohort. The Daily Voice says an alert police dispatcher noticed their shiny white Ford F-150 pickup. He remembered its distinctive features from home security videos that cops have been collecting for weeks. So, the dispatcher called detectives, who arrested the trio Friday on Rochelle Avenue. Inside the pickup, cops found 32 recently stolen packages. They face a pile of theft charges here and in Hasbrouck Heights, Lyndhurst, Maywood, Nutley, and Rochelle Park, where hopefully no one will ever again see that truck.

IN MEMORIUM

New Jersey has lost one of its most colorful characters over the weekend with the passing of Nick Acocella. He’s the guy who published Politifax for more than 20 years. It was a must-read political newsletter that was published before everyone and their sister had an eblast newsletter. Political junkies loved his newsletter, which reported on who is doing great and who is not. Many were big fans of one of his last ventures, a TV show called “Pasta & Politics” on NJTV, in which he interviewed the state’s biggest honchoes while whipping up a great Italian meal and chatting up his apron-wearing guests. Acocella was just one of those Hudson County guys who was instantly memorable, widely knowledgeable, no-nonsense, and quintessential Jersey.

IN OTHER IMPORTANT NEWS

COLUMBUS, OH – Tis the season of petitions, as it seems like everyone is pushing some cause on Change.org. The latest: Thousands of people in Columbus no longer want their city named after Christopher Columbus and are promoting a new option: Call it Flavortown, Ohio! The newly-named city would honor celebrity chef and hometown hero Guy Fieri. “Why not rename the city Flavortown? The new name is twofold. For one, it honors Central Ohio's proud heritage as a culinary crossroads and one of the nation's largest test markets for the food industry,” the petition states. In serious news, the city removed a statue of Columbus in front of City Hall and is now looking to change the city's seal, flag and other symbols, as Columbus is now widely regarded as a brutal, murderous viceroy over the territories under his control.

THIS DAY IN HISTORY

It was this day in 1987 that we finally bid a sad farewell to Tom Seaver, retiring after his third try with the Mets.

WORD OF THE DAY

Envisage – [in-VIZ-ij] – verb

Definition: To view or regard in a certain way

Example: I envisage a high school graduation that is fun and meaningful, but also safe.

WIT OF THE DAY

“Freedom is people realizing they are their own leader.”

-Diane Nash

TODAY'S TRUMPISM

“A Democrat win in 2020 would be a tragic setback for African Americans!”

- Donald J. Trump

WEATHER IN A WORD

Steamy