STATEWIDE – These days, you don’t just need toilet paper. Apparently, you need a gun to protect that toilet paper. Perhaps that is the reason why guns and ammunition are flying off the shelves at gun stores around the state. Gannett reports that all this government restriction and civil unrest is prompting people to get heavily armed, with gun stores having an unexpected banner season. One business in Toms River is even rationing the number of bullets people can buy, to only two boxes with 50 rounds each. Apparently, these days, 100 bullets is the adequate number to protect you and your two-ply.

DUMONT – Once you buy your new gun, head on over to the Grant Street Café, where you can secure a free roll of toilet paper – if you order more than $20 worth of food. The Record reports the popular Dumont eatery has struck some marketing gold by feeding into the widespread hysteria of a potential toilet paper shortage. Not only do you get a roll, but the owner will rollerblade your order to the parking lot. Hey, whatever it takes for keep on rolling.


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- Experts are now saying that the cost of a gallon of gas could drop to $1.25. And that's not good. We are looking at the lowest demand in gasoline in 50 years, with millions of barrels unneeded each day to serve the masses, many of whom are now sitting at home. Cheaper gas means the petroleum industry is collapsing with jobs dissolving. And when you think that New Jersey takes 48.4 cents per gallon in taxes, and 18.4 cents per gallon goes to the feds, you have to wonder if its even worth it for these gas companies to provide the service at the moment.

TUCKERTON – It’s sure easy to dismiss warnings about rising sea levels and sinking real estate along the Jersey Shore as the equivalent of fake news from enviros. Then consider this: The coastal scientists who staff the Rutgers University Marine Field Station on an isolated peninsula near Tuckerton are moving inland to escape worsening flooding and erosion. It’s gotten so bad that the only road that connects the station to the Ocean County town about six miles away frequently floods at high tide. NJSpotlight reports there’s no plan to move the station, at least not yet. It will be fitted with technology that will let researchers remotely monitor erosion and other developments. One of the scientists sums up the situation nicely: “I would hope that the public would see that this is coastal scientists walking the walk and not just talking about sea-level rise.”


ON THE ROADS – Sure, the state’s economy is going to heck. But thankfully there is at least someone out there who is willing to spend, spend, spend. And that would be, of course, the New Jersey Turnpike Authority, planning $24 billion in capital improvements, funded by one E-ZPass motorist at a time. This is shear gold for construction companies, which will be bidding on $3.5 billion to upgrade the Laderman Memorial Bridge in Newark, as well as billions of other dollars to expand, replace or widen large stretches of the Turnpike and Parkway. Oh, and there’s $900 million earmarked for electronic toll collection conversion. That’s because wheelbarrows of cash need to come from somewhere. We are talking to you, Mr. and Mrs. John Q. Motorist.

One out of 10 children in Europe are conceived on an IKEA bed.

WILDWOOD – The mayor gave President Trump an open invitation to return here after his January campaign rally raked in tons of off-season business for this community. Although Mayor Pete Byron, a Democrat, wasn’t invited to the rally and didn't meet Trump, he said: “The president is welcome back at any time. We certainly enjoyed his visit.” Now, Byron is eating those words along with a $34,000 tab for police overtime, sanitation and other costs. Byron tells the Press of Atlantic City that once he figures out who got permits for the rally, he’s going to bill them. (We are looking at you, Jeff Van Drew.) But, in true Trump fashion, expect any unpaid bills to get tossed on the mounting pile of unpaid bills that his campaign has racked up over the past year, owing nearly $1.5 million to other cities where campaign rallies got held. So, if ever Trump returns to Wildwood, expect a tram car ride to cost, say, $34,000. 


ANAHEIM – It looks like Mickey Mouse is finally getting a break, after one die-hard fan who has visited Disneyland every day for the more than eight years is finally not showing up. Disney is closing the theme park for obvious reasons, leaving Jeff Reitz beyond the gate, looking in. He had gone to Disneyland for 2,995 consecutive days. “The streak’s been ended,” the 47-year-old man declared to the Orange County Register. He noted that some other crazy fans ended their streaks after just one or two years, but that’s just Goofy.


It was this day in 2012 that Wendy topped the king, as the fast-food wars saw Wendy’s takes over second place from Burger King in the race for the best-selling burger. Enjoy.



Pointillistic – [poyn-tə-LISS-tik] – adjective

Definition: Composed of many discrete details or parts

Example: Today’s newsletter is better understood as pointillistic character studies in modern-day settings.


“The best way to avoid becoming a scapegoat is to find one.”

- Warren Eyster


“I always treated the Chinese Virus very seriously, and have done a very good job from the beginning, including my very early decision to close the “borders” from China - against the wishes of almost all. Many lives were saved. The Fake News new narrative is disgraceful & false!”

-Donald J. Trump


A Jaffe Briefing Exclusive
by Andy Landorf & John Colquhoun