EWING – The state Legislature has passed numerous laws to help protect New Jerseyans from coronavirus. But lawmakers are missing one; and we already have a name for it: “The 54-year-old Ewing Township Man Bill.” Our proposed law is in direct response to the 54-year-old Ewing Township resident who decided to throw a big “Corona Party” on Friday night, with 47 people and a DJ jamming themselves into his itty-bitty apartment so they could drink Coronas, smoke pot, dance and contaminate each other with the virus that has shut down the country. The clown who threw what could be the most reckless party of the century was hit with some light violations that barely require a visit to municipal court. What he should have received – under “The 54-year-old Ewing Township Man Bill” – was criminal charges for endangering public health, in which he is solely liable for all medical bills of anyone who caught coronavirus stemming from his dumb-ass party.

STATEWIDE – The stupidity does not end there. Attorney General Gurbir Grewal says too many troublemakers are pushing the new limits and his patience. Making his 30-person list of coronavirus offenders are four Lakewood men who just couldn’t wait to get married. Each ended up with disorderly persons charges for hosting separate weddings last week at their respective homes, violating the ban on big gatherings. On Friday, a Howell man became the state’s sixth person to lie about being infected with COVID-19 in hopes of avoiding criminal charges and traffic tickets. Another half-dozen people also claimed to be infected, facing assault charges for spitting, slobbering or coughing on cops and others. Whether they test positive or not, charges for their disgusting behavior will hopefully stick.

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HOBOKEN – Maybe we have collectively reached the level of “stir crazy,” as a city woman’s Twitter video of her cat wearing a slipper has gone viral, with 4.25 million views since March 26. Typically, if Meeko decides to wear a slipper on his front left paw and then walk around the apartment, it is not cause for international recognition. But these are strange days, indeed. “He does it pretty often, whenever I leave my slippers out,” Meeko’s owner tells NJ.com, in an actual interview with the media. NJ.com also reveals that Meeko likes belly rubs, certain to create more excited internet chatter.

AT HOME – Here’s an interesting fun fact as you zoom through your morning of Zoom calls: A new survey reports that 12% of people are keeping their cameras turned off because of a lack of clothing. Mentimeter reports the findings of 1,500 people working from home amid the COVID-19 pandemic and found 180 of them freely admitting to keeping their video off because of some crazy nakedness. Of course they could put on clothing, but, hey, why bother these days? Other findings: 16% admitted re-arranging their homes to look better in the background of a video call, while 11% reported seeing something “unprofessional” in the background of a co-worker’s video call.

BRIEFING BREATHER: A donkey will sink in quicksand, but a mule won’t.

STATEWIDE – It’s hard for teachers to do their jobs in the best of times, keeping our cherubs on track with As and Bs, as they mind their Ps and Qs. What must it be like for them in a world of remote learning? Parents – whose algebra nightmares are now a daily occurrence –– are taking a crash course in trying to get Junior to focus on schoolwork when Fortnite beckons form the next room. NJ Spotlight and NJTV News got together with three veteran teachers — remotely, of course – to find out how distance learning is going. They seem undaunted despite some hiccups. They even have hints for how their fellow teachers can keep on smiling. Three apples for our teachers.

DOWN THE SHORE – Desperate for silver linings? Here’s one: This could be the summer of your dreams at the Jersey Shore. The summer rental market has dried up, NJ.com reports, as would-be renters are extremely concerned about making any long-term, expensive commitments. That means a glorious, waterfront home could be yours for a bargain-basement, once-in-a-lifetime price. Of course, you may not be allowed to go anywhere or do anything, but you can’t beat those sunsets over the bay.

NEWARK – Congrats, you're a doctor - now get to work. That’s the message from Rutgers New Jersey Medical School, which is allowing its 192 final-year students to get their degrees early and start residencies in state hospitals. Nothing says “experience” like getting thrown a medical school diploma just before you are hurled into an international pandemic and expected to save a whole bunch of lives. These doctors were supposed to graduate in May, but they’ll be wide-eyed MDs at a hospital near you, as early as April 10.

 IN OTHER IMPORTANT NEWS

GARDINER, MT – Let’s assume the TV reporter assigned by NBC News to cover Montana has dreams for a better gig, perhaps one day getting a chance to cover Idaho. Let’s also assume that fleeing a herd of bison is one of the many reasons why he is begging for a new job, we assume. Deion Braxton was “on assignment” at the front of Yellowstone National Park, preparing to report about how COVID-19 has shut down the place. But then the herd of bison set its sights on him, prompting him to flee for his life. “Oh my god,” Broxton says while looking back and forth between the camera and the out-of-frame action, before running.

THIS DAY IN HISTORY

It was this day in 1909 that the Queensboro Bridge opened to link Manhattan and Queens, prompting the first traffic reporter to announce the first traffic jam on the Queensboro Bridge.

WORD OF THE DAY

Quixotic – [kwik-SAH-tik] – adjective

Definition: Foolishly impractical especially in the pursuit of ideals

Example: Will the state Legislature adopt the “The 54-year-old Ewing Township Man” bill, or am I just waxing quixotic?

WIT OF THE DAY

“If you are going through hell, keep going.”

- Winston Churchill

TODAY'S TRUMPISM

“President Trump is a ratings hit. Since reviving the daily White House briefing Mr. Trump and his coronavirus updates have attracted an average audience of 8.5 million on cable news, roughly the viewership of the season finale of ‘The Bachelor.’ Numbers are continuing to rise...”

-Donald J. Trump

WEATHER IN A WORD: Sixty

THE NEW 60
A Jaffe Briefing Exclusive
by Andy Landorf & John Colquhoun