OUR TAKE ON THE NEWS IN NEW JERSEY
STATEWIDE - If you are reading this, congratulations. You must have power. Yet with all the poles down from that nasty nor'easter, there are still thousands of New Jerseyans trying to find their car keys this morning by candlelight. The state's major utilities have crews all over the place, obviously prioritizing hospitals and emergency services. So if you happen to live in rural parts of Morris or Sussex counties, expect your power to be restored by, say, Wednesday - just in time for the next nor'easter. Local bears note all that spoiled food in your fridge is still mighty tasty, if you would be so kind to chuck it out the back window.
MANCHESTER - Look, all those bronze vases were just sitting around, doing nothing. And perhaps that's why a local man thought it perfectly fine to scoop them up at the Whiting Memorial Park and sell these treasured grave markers for scrap, NJ 101.5 reports. It was an awfully nice take, worth about $175,000 or so. But it didn't take long for cops to sniff out the suspect, who had suddenly appeared at two local scrap yards with nearly 3,000 pounds of bronze. Luckily, about 400 of the vases were salvaged. Manchester cops are now on the look-out for the suspect, eager to charge him with "desecration of venerated objects."
ON THE RAILS - It is very difficult to be "objective" and "open-minded" and "unbiased" when President Trump continues to slap around New Jersey. Yeah, we didn't vote for him and, yeah, we thought Trump neckwear looked better on circus clowns. But why is this "pro-business" President hell-bent on killing the Gateway tunnel? The latest horrifying news, courtesy of the Washington Post, says Trump is now refusing to hand over any federal cash for the sorely-needed project. WTF? Remember Obama pledged half of the $30 million pricetag, and then Trump offered something crappy, like 20 percent, last month. And, now, nothing? So we are left to assume the doofus-in-chief is perfectly fine with our hurricane-ravaged tunnel, built in 1910, now serving 450 trains daily.
DEPTFORD - Let's assume the local Chuck E. Cheese ran out of its signature pepperoni pizza, the churros were stale, and the $2 off coupon expired. There's really no other logical reason why 15-20 people would get in a brawl in a kid-themed restaurant yesterday, prompting cops to arrest two women. CBS Philly reports the fight was so out-of-hand that it spilled into the parking lot. One woman was stabbed in the hip, and a Chuck E. Cheese employee - wondering why he took this lousy job in the first place - also was injured in a valiant attempt to break it up. You can bet Chuck E. will be revoking many of its "play passes."
VERNON - At first, the idea of living in the former Playboy Club seemed awesome. There's the chocolate brown shag carpeting, the mirrored ceilings in the bathroom and the lingering aroma of Aramis cologne from, say, 1983. But now the estimated 40 or so low-income tenants are getting the boot, forced to leave by April 9 with $1,500 for relocation, NJ.com reports. Vernon officials want these long-time tenants out, citing a 1999 ordinance that bars anyone from living in the former club for more than 30 days. Unless, of course, your wear bunny ears and a cute tail.
IN OTHER IMPORTANT NEWS
NEW YORK - Lady, it is time to go. That's the official message for a former Hunter College student, now 32, who refuses to move out of the dorms. The college, desperate for the room back, is suing the former student for $94,000 in unpaid dorm bills since she dropped out of the school a few semesters ago. The school first tried to evict her in September, but she wouldn't budge. Now, the former geography major tells the AP she is eager for her day in court, prepping for what will certainly be a fascinating defense. The college has no comment on pending litigation, of course, and can only pray she doesn't attempt to re-enroll. And, apparently, the Playboy Club is not accepting new tenants.
THIS DAY IN HISTORY
The famous singer, Grace Slick, was not so slick on this day in 1994, arrested for pointing a shotgun at a cop, while ordering him off her property.
WORD OF THE DAY
Exegesis - [ek-suh-JEE-siss] - noun
Definition: An explanation or critical interpretation of a text
Example: There is no real exegesis for today's briefing.
WEATHER IN A WORD