A Royal Pain

15b36448b0c71a958f6e_Royal-scam2.jpg
15b36448b0c71a958f6e_Royal-scam2.jpg

I went to a big wedding over the weekend.  It was in England.

I like to think I was invited, but according to the Royal Guards and the Thames Valley Police I was not.  But more about that later.

You see, not too long ago I received an evite addressed to me from H&M@royalwedbot.co.uk.  Curiously, it was in my spam folder with a warning message. For an evite it was pretty fancy, so I opened it.  

Sign Up for E-News

His Royal Highness the Prince of Wales requests the pleasure of your company at the Marriage of His Royal Highness Prince Henry of Wales with Ms. Meghan Markle at St. George’s Chapel, Windsor Castle, on Saturday 19th May 2018 at 12 Noon followed by a Reception at Windsor Castle.

Cool.

It also said I should wear Dress Uniform, Morning Coat, or Lounge Suit.  That was a problem.  The only thing I have resembling a military uniform is a pair of camo pants and the only lounge suit I own is an Elvis costume I wore once for Halloween.  

The evite also contained a link to a manifesto of important Royal Protocols that I needed to download and study if I was to attend the wedding.  

Immediately after I clicked open the document my computer froze and all my files were mysteriously encrypted.  A royal crest then appeared on the screen requesting a donation payable in bitcoins to Harry and Meghan’s favorite charity, which surprisingly happens to be a bank in Nigeria.

I guess it was in lieu of a  wedding present.

Fortunately I printed the invitation before I downloaded the file.  Unfortunately, I had not yet replied that I would be attending.

I assumed that is why I was not on the guest list when I showed up at St George’s Chapel in my white sequined jumpsuit with red satin cape, flared sleeves, and wide bell bottoms neatly accessorized with a gold rhinestone belt.

Thank goodness I had seen the movie Wedding Crashers.  I politely explained that I was Owen Wilson and an old friend of the bride.  

In retrospect, I probably should have realized that the police might be called.  Particularly since I was breaking protocol by wearing platform shoes and white.

I had decidedly better luck at the servant’s entrance where because of my oversized sunglasses and high jeweled collar they mistook me for Elton John.  

Even though it is a big church, it turns out you can’t just sit anywhere at a Royal Wedding.  In fact, there is assigned seating. I learned this from Kate Middleton. Apparently I was sitting in her chair.  

Since I was an iconic rock and roll singer I assumed it would be OK to sit in with the choir.  They were wearing red and white vestments too. But the choirmaster thought I was a little to old to be singing in a boys choir and asked me to leave.  It was probably the long sideburns.

Fortunately the church holds 1900 and there were only 600 guests, so I was easily able to find a place in the nave toward the rear of the church with the other guests.  

Things were fine until a somewhat large lady showed up and sat in the seat in front of me.  She was wearing a wide brimmed straw hat with an enormous porcupine pinned to the side of her head.  

“Excuse me lady, can you take off your hat so I can see better?”  I asked politely. I probably should have addressed her has “my lady” because when she turned around to glare at me I realized I was talking to Oprah.  

She was nice enough about it, but she really didn’t need to call the ushers over.  Or the Royal Guard for that matter.

As luck would have it, Queen Elizabeth had been a big fan of Elvis Presley and always wanted to meet him.  I guess she wasn’t aware that he died 40 years ago.

Let me just say that there are some things you don’t do around the queen.  For starters, she likes to be called “Your Majesty” and not “Your Queenliness”   And it is a much better idea to bow than to swivel your hips, thrust your finger in the air, and tell her she ain’t nothin but a hound dog.   She also doesn’t take kindly to posing for selfies, even if you are Elvis Presley.

I am sure all of that was on the list of protocols I downloaded.

But in the end it all worked out.  Thanks to the beneficence of the Queen of England on this blessed and magical occasion I was quickly ushered to a vacant seat well before the the bride arrived and the wedding commenced.

It was outside the chapel.  In a police station.

I heard it was a beautiful wedding.

 

The opinions expressed herein are the writer's alone, and do not reflect the opinions of TAPinto.net or anyone who works for TAPinto.net. TAPinto.net is not responsible for the accuracy of any of the information supplied by the writer.

TAP Into Another Town's News:

You May Also Be Interested In

Sign Up for E-News

North Plainfield/Green Brook/Watchung

Thousands Expected for Sourland Music Festival

June 20, 2018

HILLSBOROUGH, NJ – The Sourland Music Festival will be held Saturday, June 23 from 3-10 p.m. at the Hillsborough Golf & Country Club at 146 Wertsville Road, rain or shine, to benefit the Sourland Conservancy.

Discounted advance-sale tickets are available online only, Children under 12 are admitted free.

“We’ve got a really powerful lineup of the region’s most ...

Third-annual Juneteenth Parade and Heritage Festival in New Brunswick this Weekend

NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ - The Vulcan Pioneers of New Brunswick, comprising the city's Black Fire Fighters Association, will host the Juneteenth Parade on Saturday, June 16 to commemorate the Emancipation Proclamation.

Juneteenth celebrations are held across the country to mark the announcement of the abolition of slavery in Texas in June 1865. That state was one of the last locations to learn of ...

Manutti Marina in Belmar: Top Choice for Boating, Fishing and All-Around Family Fun

BELMAR, NJ — It’s no secret that Belmar Manutti Marina ranks among the best boating destinations along the Atlantic coast.

Tucked along the eastern shoreline of the idyllic Shark River — just a five-minute trip by boat to the ocean — the state-of-the-art marina is a top choice among boaters looking to stay for the season, enjoy a vacation or spend the weekend.

In ...

Manutti Marina in Belmar: Top Choice for Boating, Fishing and All-Around Family Fun

June 12, 2018

BELMAR, NJ — It’s no secret that Belmar Manutti Marina ranks among the best boating destinations along the Atlantic coast.

Tucked along the eastern shoreline of the idyllic Shark River — just a five-minute trip by boat to the ocean — the state-of-the-art marina is a top choice among boaters looking to stay for the season, enjoy a vacation or spend the weekend.

In ...

Summer Camp Programs for Children and Teens Announced By Environmental Education Center

June 18, 2018

BERNARDS TWP., NJ – Each summer, the Environmental Education Center (EEC) in Basking Ridge holds programs that let children and teens explore nature for summer activities that both entertaining and an opportunity to learn about the environment.

The programs are organized and led by the EEC's staff of naturalists.

The EEC is a Somerset County facility located at 190 Lord ...

Get Empowered to Help Prevent Suicide

June 8, 2018

Dear Editor:

Over the past week social media and the news have been filled with stories and articles encouraging people to seek help if they’re in emotional distress. There have been countless articles about the need to break the silence around the topic of mental health and suicide, and I am encouraged by the support people are extending to others.

Often, the death by suicide by ...

Obituaries

South Plainfield, NJ – Margaret (Pascazio) Butfiloski, 99, passed away peacefully on June 2, ...
Read more

Upcoming Events

Mon, June 25, 9:00 AM

Terrill Road Baptist Chruch, Scotch Plains

Terrill Road Baptist Church

WHRHS Athletics: Watchung Hills Names New Athletic Director

June 19, 2018

WARREN, NJ - The Watchung Hills Board of Education announced a new Director of Athletics at its meeting on Tuesday night to replace Chris Van Vliet who has resigned. WHRHS world language teacher, Dan Root was unanimously approved as the WHRHS Director of Athletics effective July 1.

“I’m excited to work with newly appointed athletic director Mr. Root,” said WHRHS head football ...

A Path Forward for Watchung Schools Set for June 25

 

WATCHUNG, NJ - A Path Forward for Watchung Schools, a listening forum for Watchung parents, residents, and teachers to communicate to make Watchung Schools great, has been set for Monday, June 25. 

 

Watchung has three leadership positions open: Superintendent, Principal of Bayberry School, and Chief Administrator. The listening forum will be hosted and moderated by ...

WHRHS Athletics: 30 Watchung Hills Student Athletes Commit to Play College Sports

WARREN, NJ - Some 30 student athletes from the Watchung Hills Regional High School (WHRHS) Class of 2018 gathered  in the WHRHS Media Center for one last Warrior team photo before reporting to their intended respective colleges or universities in the fall.

Columbia, Yale and Princeton, Stevens, Rensselaer and M.I.T. are among some 27 other Division I, II, or III colleges ...

North Plainfield Board of Education Recognizes Student Athletes

NORTH PLAINFIELD, NJ - The North Plainfield Board of Education had the opportunity to celebrate the victories of the district's distinguished student athletes at the last Board of Education meeting.  Brandon Smith, Daniel Duncan, Trevor Sullivan, and Edgardo Villafane represented the Boys' Indoor Track Team.  The team was victorious as the New Jersey North II, Group II ...

Watchung’s Rizzi Ties Record at Rotary Track and Field Meet, North Plainfield Middle School Dominates in Awards Tally

PLAINFIELD, NJ - With an overcast sky and pleasantly cool temperatures, young student athletes from area middle schools and one elementary school gathered for the 91st Annual Rotary Track and Field Meet, held June 6 at the Hub Stine Athletic Complex in Plainfield.

Vincent Rizzi, holder of the Meet high jump records for boys ages 12 and 13, tried valiantly to best the 14 year old boys’ ...

Thousands Expected for Sourland Music Festival

June 20, 2018

HILLSBOROUGH, NJ – The Sourland Music Festival will be held Saturday, June 23 from 3-10 p.m. at the Hillsborough Golf & Country Club at 146 Wertsville Road, rain or shine, to benefit the Sourland Conservancy.

Discounted advance-sale tickets are available online only, Children under 12 are admitted free.

“We’ve got a really powerful lineup of the region’s most ...

SCBP Biz Fest 2018 Draws Record Crowd

SOMERSET, NJ - More than 500 people attended Biz Fest 2018, Somerset County's ‘hyper-local’ trade show and networking event, on Thursday at the Imperia.

The Somerset County Business Partnership (SCBP) organized the event.  SCBP Vice President of Business Services Chris Edwards said that this year's Biz Fest was a huge success. 

"This has been ...