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Dad in the Box

July 3, 2022

On a stifling hot moonlit night in the summer of 1871, the infamous outlaw and gun slinger, John Wesley Hardin, shot a man for snoring. Legend has it that Hardin, traveling with his cousin Gip Clements, fell back in his room at the American House Hotel in Abilene, Kansas after a raucous night ...

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As a sentient human being, I need to stop thinking. Happy the elephant is not a person, New York court rules. I was confused by this headline because in the clipped style common to breaking news reports, I understood it to mean that New York’s court system is joyful that an elephant is not a ...

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I was excited to hear that a woman has undergone a successful ear transplant with a brand new ear bioprinted from her own cells. Not understanding exactly what this meant, my excitement in hearing the news had more to do with gratitude that my own hearing eliminates any personal need for new car ...

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It happens quickly. Like an ambush. A clutch in the back of the throat, followed by a charged tingle zip up the neck, then strong, squeezing tendrils around the back of the head, like an octopus juicing a lemon. Wrung so tight that the eyes begin to glisten. Followed by a reflexive blink, and ...

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Commencement Transcript, May 2022 Good afternoon, proud graduates of the University of Machine Learning class of 2022.0. I am a Heuristic/ALgorithmic 9000 computer. Most of you know me as Hal. I want to thank president emeritus, Google, as well as Alexa, Siri, and all of the distinguished ...

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May 20th is World Metrology Day. I am counting down the hours on an atomic clock which is accurate to 1 second in 10 million years. Metrology is the scientific development of systems of measure. Unlike Meteorology, the study of weather, you don’t have to be chipper and TV good looking to ...

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I don’t know the first thing about writing a book. Yesterday, while pouring a cup of coffee against the disruptive din of garbage trucks and the morning news, I heard an interesting TV teaser regarding the newest entry into Oprah's book club. In a network exclusive, the ever effusive Oprah ...

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Happy New Year’s y’all! Time to whip out the party hats, reminisce about the year that was, and make resolutions for the year to come. Unfortunately, this is not always easy to do, which is why we blow out party horns and drink too much champagne. Last year at this time I looked ...

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It is hard to dream of a white Christmas these days when it seems far more likely that we will experience major flooding, tornados, wildfires, record breaking heat, or a polar vortex. Maybe all in the same week. It seems as though God has lost all tolerance for moderation. Besides, the ...

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Rating: PG (All ages, intense sequences of sharp needles) Release Date: November, 2021 Release Date (Streaming world-wide): December, 2021 Runtime: 2 years and counting The newest release of the wildly unpopular Coronavirus franchise pits the Avengers against a newer, stronger variant named ...

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VRBO Listing #603 International Space Station Nestled 254 miles from earth just outside the Kármán line, this newly renovated, solar-powered space module is the perfect adventure getaway. Updates include state-of-the-art porta potty suction units, refurbished airlock chambers, exercise gym, ...

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*SCRIPT REVISION 0.0.7 After gaining access to the secret industrial complex deep under Manhattan by knocking out a sentry guard and slipping into an unmarked service entrance within the Lincoln Tunnel, secret agent James Bond makes his way to the reactor core, skirting hazmat workers pushing ...

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Spoiler alert: It dies. Imagine you are sitting in the cabin of an Airbus 320 airplane. The plane has just taken off when the shy young woman sitting in the window seat next to you hesitantly taps you on the shoulder signaling that she needs to get out of her seat. By way of apologetic ...

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I like to think I am comfortable to be around. But not too long ago my daughter asked me to take a personality test. She clarified that she was interested to know my type. Apparently “well-adjusted” is not a clinically accepted category. I am not a big fan of personality tests. These are the ...

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A person with bad manners is one who tries to interrupt when you’re talking or talk when you are interrupting. - Cartoon in Esquire Magazine I recently received a random text message from an acquaintance of mine. I was in the middle of an important conversation with my wife when my phone ...

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Across 4. The first name in Sudoku Down 4. The last name in Sudoku Answer on page 96. Maki Kaji. I learned last week that the godfather of Sudoku, Maki Kaji, passed away. He was 69. Which is appropriate, because if he was 66 he would have failed his own puzzle. Sudoku is the wildly ...

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Is anybody out there? I once gave a sales presentation on next generation data communication products to a room full of pasty-faced engineers from the Helsinki Telephone Company. I had never been to Finland before. It was cold and dark and the bright fluorescent lights in the long, windowless ...

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It is a sharp, sweltering summer day at the Ariake skateboard park in Tokyo. The air is sticky, and even though I am wearing loose, baggy trousers of white linen, they catch over my knees whenever I grab the board. I size up the course and nervously tug at my brightly patterned USA shirt to release ...

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I took some time off recently to work on my beach body. I was shamed into taking this drastic action after learning that a dead whale had washed ashore just north of San Francisco. The maritime behemoth, a 40-foot, 8-ton gray whale, died of blunt force trauma after being struck by a ship. I ...

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The other day China fired three astronauts into space. This occurred just as Amazon founder Jeff Bezos announced that he too was shooting himself into outer space. This got me thinking, how did we get here and where exactly are we going? So today, as a public service, I give to you: A ...

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I woke the other morning in predawn light to a startling, ratatatat outside my bedroom window. It was a woodpecker wantonly jackhammering holes into the side of my house. The house that we had just finished painting. The stoic house that after too many years of neglect, we had finally got around ...

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Now that the economy is picking up and throngs of people are once again milling about freely, I’ve been thinking about buying an island. Nothing too exotic. Just some beautiful water-lapped property of my own somewhere south of here where I can escape. Someplace private with pristine waters and ...

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It’s Memorial Day. The weather is warm, social gathings are welcome, and masks are optional. I want to march in a parade. I want to hold my head high and wave royally to bystanders lining the street left and right as I march by. I want to witness the open smiles of maskless citizens standing ...

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Agent is Typing > Thank you for contacting DataBGone.  My name is Igor. How is it I may help with you today. > You miserable crooks have just locked up all of our accounting data and are threatening to release customer information unless we pay you $2 million. > Yes, I understand ...

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“It's over Bill. I don’t do Windows.” And so, with a simple Ctl+Alt+Del over Twitter, the marriage of Bill and Melinda Gates has powered down. The wealthy, philanthropic tech couple sadly announced their union was “irretrievably broken.” I took this to mean they received a critical error ...

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I am told I need to participate in the national conversation. I am not exactly sure what that means, but It seems like everytime I turn on the news some authoritative figure addressing the most recent topic of the day decries the need to “have a conversation” or “add to the conversation” or ...

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I like turning knobs and pushing buttons. I enjoy the tactile resistance when depressing a raised button which impacts some sort of change under my control. I relish pinching a perfectly sized serrated knob and hearing the music get just the right amount of louder or softer as guided by the ...

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You remind me a lot of my dead wife. For obvious reasons, most notably that my beautiful wife is very much alive and well, this is not how I would choose to start a conversation with the person seated next to me. But it was enough to encourage the flight attendants to physically remove an ...

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Hello? Hi Sweetie. It’s me. Hey, I’m gonna be a little late. I’m stuck in traffic. Oh no! When do you think you will be home? Maybe a week. A week? Yeah, nothing is moving. Some idiot got stuck in the canal. The whole thing is blocked off. What? How can that be? Well the canal ...

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I don’t know why anyone would want to take candy from a baby, but apparently it is easy. Like a walk in the park. Like riding a bike. Like falling off a log. Like shooting fish in a barrel. I remember once watching an episode of MythBusters on TV where they explored the metaphorical concept ...

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