Sunday is the big game.
And I’m not talking about the Impeachment Bowl, where the Democrat Donkeys in blue face the Republican Elephants in red in Washington’s Gridlock Stadium to play out some unsportsman-like sign stealing controversy committed during the 2019 Ukranian World Series.
No, I am talking about the acronymical championship, the NFL event that pits the best of the AFC against the best of the NFC. This year is SB LIV. That’s Roman Numerals for a lot of years. LIV years to be exact.
This year’s championship game pits the Kansas City Chiefs against the San Francisco 49ers for bragging rights, a ring, a parade, and for one lucky player, a trip to Disneyland. The stakes are high.
It is the Chief’s first trip to the big game in L years. The XLIXers last played on a Sunday in February in MMXIII and last won the sports classic XXV years ago.
The game will be played on Sunday, II/II/MMXX. For those who don’t read Latin, that is 02022020. In a significant snub to World Palindrome Day, official kickoff time was insensitively moved from 0220 hours, pandering to those time zones where fans would be awake.
And that is not the only controversy.
Kansas City has long been criticized for insensitivity surrounding their Native American “Chiefs” moniker and rabid fans who perform the scalping “tomahawk chop” motion in the stands sporting red face and head feathers. San Francisco, on the other hand, has been lambasted for lack of mascot diversity by continuing to celebrate a craggy, gold-digging white guy from 1849.
The Chiefs are helmed by the young, explosive quarterback Patrick Mahomes. He is known for his precise quick-release throws, side arm missiles, scrambling jump tosses, and a bad haircut. The 49ers are led by the handsome, square-jawed quarterback Jimmy Garoppolo, who is known for not being Tom Brady.
The two teams have very different styles of play. The Chiefs rely on the arm of Mahomes to reach a cadre of talented and quick receivers. The 49ers scramble willy nilly to find their positions before the ball is snapped in order to confuse everybody but themselves.
On the other side of the fence, the Chiefs overlooked and defensive defense seeks to offend the Niners defense by defending the Niners offense better than the Niners can defend the Chiefs offense with a top-ranked defense which will surely be on the offensive.
But the one thing both teams have in common is speed. But just because many of these players can run XL yards in under V seconds, don’t expect the game to be any shorter. Plan on a good III.V hours in front of the TV, or if you like to watch the pre-game events, plan on III or IV days. This will give you plenty of time to plug into an IV, eat junk food, drink beer, and sprint to the bathroom without missing much of the action.
Of course you can always wait for relief when the game slows down to half time at halftime which this year will offer performances by co-headliners Jennifer Lopez and Shakira, who will demonstrate their own style of quick moves on the field. Not without controversy, the two fit hispanic dance pop icons are performing in Miami’s musically insensitive, Hard Rock Stadium.
This year even the uniforms are controversial. That is because the Chiefs and 49ers both share official colors of red and gold. So as not to confuse anyone, the Chiefs will be wearing red jerseys and white pants and the 49ers white jerseys and gold pants. This is because Kansas City who plays in Missouri is the home team and San Francisco who plays in California is the visiting team even though the game will be played in Florida.
So long as no one shows up in a tie-dyed shirt, plaid shorts, and Birkenstocks we should be free from any controversial football fashion faux pas.
Besides, most eyes will be on what Shakira and Jennifer Lopez are wearing. Or maybe, controversially, not wearing.
And what about the infamous commercials? This year, as in past years, they will be evenly interspersed with football. But at over $XI million for a LX second spot during an election year, expect some controversy as billionaire spenders Michael Bloomberg and Donald Trump show up uninvited into our family rooms.
Fortunately, in a democratic society, we can choose when to get a beer.
Despite some heated differences, the game promises to be evenly matched and nothing if not exciting. Look for lots of running, lots of passing, and lots of controversial sports commentary on what to look for.
So who do I like in the big game?
Well, J Lo is pretty hot.
But this year, to avoid controversy, I am going for gold by betting on red.