Dear esteemed reader:

I am so sorry for all of the hurt I have caused by my thoughtfully chosen words.

You see, by hiding behind humor and sarcasm, I make a sincere effort to please no one with the hope that somehow I please everyone. But I have come to recognize through my twisted argument that in my effort to please no one, I have in fact pleased no one. I should be happy by my success. But instead I feel humiliated and ashamed.

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I typically do not take a hard stand on touchy subjects because I don’t want to be offensive. I now understand this position is offensive and in violation of my first amendment right to say whatever the hell I want. I freely and openly admit that when it comes to addressing sensitive topics that might make people feel uncomfortable, I have no backbone.

Recently I spoke with a senior official from the National Association of Chiropractors to offer my apology and to educate myself on the importance of having a backbone. I learned that having a backbone, among other things, keeps my head from falling off.

I also learned that “Chiropractors are not real doctors” is not a phrase I should use in front of my back cracking brothers and sisters. I apologize for that too. These hard working professionals are on the front line everyday ensuring spineless wimps like me can stand straight and tall in the face of overwhelming gravity. They deserve our appreciation.

And still, there is so much more to learn. The back office practitioner who enlightened me referred my apology to a licensed physician representing the American Gastroenterologist Association, a cardiac surgeon from the AHA, and a marketing executive from Hasbro Parker Brothers. Because in addition to being spineless, it turns out that I am gutless, heartless and clueless as well.

Recognition is the first step to recovery.

The problem with self reflection is that it requires a mirror. And taking a real hard look at who I am has always been difficult when I have a toothbrush in my mouth or a zit on my nose. I have similar issues confronting my Facebook profile.

I have always relied on the people I trust to inform me of my shortcomings. Usually they tell me I should be more self reflective, but I now understand they were expecting me to figure it out.

I hear you. This is why I am apologizing.

In truth, I don’t risk being offensive because I live in fear of being canceled. Or for my British friends who I similarly don’t want to offend, cancelled with two l’s. The thought that I could be a pariah and lose the paid writing gig I don’t have all because the twittersphere has turned on me for crimes against sensibility, lack of sensibility, or both petrifies me. Social media is not a beast I want to cross. #Ihavenofollowers. #Idontevenhaveatwitteracccount. #dadisoverparty.

This fear of course is completely irrational and vain because nobody listens to me anyway. I count my family in this group. Witness all the lights on in my house that never get turned off at night.

And certainly when it comes to being a widely read influencer, I am neither. In fact, unless you are sharing this article in a group chat right now, it is likely that you are only one reading this. Assuming of course you are still reading this.

Are you with me?

I don’t even know who is behind this so-called cancel culture that I am afraid of. But it sounds sinister, like something created by celebrated author and recent erasure target, J.K. Rowling.

Harry Potter and the Council of Cancel. In which he-who-must-not-be named is outed and shamed on Reddit for cursing.

I am very ignorant of how this all works. And for that I also apologize.

It is probably time to confess that I am a Marxist. I would never join a club in which I am a member. Yet here I am in the apology club, which I guess makes me an “ex-Marxist the spot” backlash target.

But as a sarcastic and marginally funny social commentator, it is appropriate at this hyper-sensitive point in time to call out my opinions, especially when they are not opinionated. Rightly or wrongly, that is my opinion. And for that I apologize.

Of course, an apology is meaningless if someone is not offended. And as much as this insincere apology is offensive on its own, it still doesn’t quite measure up to an apology worthy quote.

Which means I have to make a stand and write something controversial.

Here goes.

I ate Goya rice last night with shrimp. It was really, really good.

I sincerely hope you are offended, because I really agonized over this apology.