Many people search for a soulmate to provide to them an all-consuming love that they dream about. They desire the romantic version of the fairy tale that we’re taught from early childhood exists.

But, according to Dr. Barbara De Angelis, author of The Choice for Love, when we think that love originates from somewhere outside us, we mistakenly believe that we need to wait until something happens to give us an experience of love. Dr. De Angelis contends that love isn’t something we can actually “get” from anyone else. No one can give you any love you don’t already have, she says. Love comes from the inside out and instead of looking for it, or waiting to receive it or feel it, we must learn how to choose it, to unblock our connection to it, to find that highest frequency of love and connect ourselves with it.

I had the opportunity to speak with Dr. De Angelis. Below she shares some of her insights.

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On looking for love:

You can’t really “find” love anywhere else but inside you. You can find a relationship, but you can’t find love. Feeling love isn’t about feeling emotions. It’s about cultivating your inner connection to the divine and to the ultimate field of love.

On no one being able to give the love we don’t already have:

Our lives are really defined by love, from the very beginning we’re reaching for love. We each have a relationship with the energy of loving, with how we deal with it, how we receive it, or how we give it. Most people think that if we found the right person and the right circumstances then we will experience love. But it’s our relationship with the energy of love that is going to determine if we’re happy. We think that people give us love but no one actually gives us anything. Love isn’t a feeling or an emotion, it’s not the bond we share with someone else or behavior. It’s that vibrational field of energy, it’s the source energy. Love is that essence, that highest vibration.

On healing heartbreak:

All of us have experienced heartache, loss, disappointment, challenge, and different kinds of heart issues in our life. What we don’t realize is that we are unconsciously making the choice to not love, to not feel, and we wonder why we’re not happier or why we’re not feeling everything that we want. Each of our unhealed emotions, hurts, or unresolved issues becomes like a large block of ice. We put up that wall because we don’t want to get hurt. We’re not actually blocking anything anyone is giving us; we’re actually freezing up the flow. We don’t heal things and so the ice blocks multiply. And then, we can’t feel our own love or the waves from other people. We live with a lot of icy numbness. That ice keeps us from feeling love, intimacy, and connection. Our protections become our prisons. If your heart has a lot of frozen energy, it won’t flow and others won’t feel it. We need to learn how to identify those blocks and create the big melt.

On love techniques:

The next time you’re feeling angry, upset, disappointed or frustrated, don’t ask yourself what’s happening to me, ask yourself what’s happening in me. I’m choosing to (fill in the blank).  When you learn what’s happening in yourself, you can see when you make the choice to cut off the flow of love. Then ask the choice for love question: How can I bring more love to (whatever the situation). By doing this you’re making a choice for your own connection to your heart and your own love. Every day, we unplug from feeling. We do it so often that we can’t find the socket or how to plug back in. The choice for love allows you to reconnect back to your real source of power no matter what’s happening.

Listen to my conversation with Barbara: