passaic-valley

Dad in the Box

August 28, 2010

We have a Global Positioning System in our car. I punch in an address and a nice woman who is not my wife tells me when to turn. This is one of those really great technological inventions that put humans on par with highly evolved creatures like salmon. Or, as it turns out, crocodiles. I learned ...

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I saw on the news that NASA is repairing the Hubble Telescope. Given my own experience with in-home repair services, I can't help but wonder how they arrange something like this. "Good morning, Frank's Repair Shack." "Hi this is NASA. In Houston. Do you guys service telescopes?" "Let me put you ...

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Star Trek opened in theaters this weekend. It has been one of the most wildly anticipated TV show movie openings since The Simpsons came to the big screen. Or maybe The Dukes of Hazard. Or possibly Bewitched. Anyway, as TV shows turned into movies go, the excitement is astronomical. This new ...

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Today is Cinco de Mayo! For those who are confused by the recent flu epidemic originating from Mexico, let me remind you that Cinco de Mayo is not Spanish for "sick of mayonnaise". It means the Fifth of May. And it is a day when we celebrate the culture and heritage of our brothers and sisters ...

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I, John, take you Leslie, to be my lawfully wedded wife . . . Tomorrow is my wedding anniversary. It's an important one. One that ends in a zero. I am not sure what to give my wife. I am not very creative with gifts. I know from painful experience that an electronic appliance is out of the ...

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As the election in Iran boiled over into demonstrations and violence last month, we learned that a revolution in communication is reshaping the way news is gathered and disseminated throughout the world. The revolution is Twitter. The messages are Tweets. The users are Twits. The followers are ...

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The other night my kids entered into an important discussion inspired by thought provoking television programming. An announcer spoke as words scrolled across the bottom of the screen: As Advertised in Golf Magazine! Lively music played and a man danced a tango with his wife. "What is erectile ...

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The other day I returned to my car and discovered a rather large dent in the right rear fender. My car was parked in a public lot. Nobody was around. I was pretty steamed. But not nearly as steamed as I would have been had I been rear-ended by a nuclear submarine. This really happened. Earlier ...

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"What I wonder," I say opening another bag of Sweethearts-those little heart-shaped candy precursors to Instant Messaging that are stamped with suggestive phrases like UR HOT, B MINE, and LETS DO LUNCH-"is what kind of genius schedules a celebration of love in the dead of winter?" Although we are ...

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Russian roulette is a very dangerous game. Very dangerous. Especially when it is played with shopping carts. Let me just say that I do not advocate the use of hand carts. I have never owned one, but I have used one. And under the right circumstances . . . well, like I said, they can be very ...

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When the movie Field of Dreams shows up on TV, I often watch it. As syrupy as the story is, I love how father and son are brought together again through the magic of a good old-fashioned catch in a cornfield in Iowa. Of course, as my wife wisely points out, instead of playing catch, father and son ...

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I received interim report cards for my two younger children. It was their first report card with letter grades. I placed the sealed envelopes cautiously on the counter as if they were Pandora's Box. For I knew that once those envelopes were opened, their education going forward would be unjustly ...

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I recently took up snowboarding under the mistaken impression that I could enjoy a day on the slopes together with my thirteen-year-old son. I'm not sure, but I think this qualifies me for the Darwin awards, right along side the guy who pulled a vending machine on top of himself trying to retrieve ...

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I have some good news! If you set your clock forward last week and you live in Sweden and you are reading this right now, then you are still alive! On a more distressful note, 96.7 Swedes aren't chuckling right now. Or even breathing for that matter. Here's why. In a study conducted last year, ...

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James James Morrison Morrison Weatherby George Dupree Took great care of his mother, though he was only three. James James said to his mother, "Mother," he said, said he; "You must never go down to the end of the town, if you don't go down with me." I recently received an email from a parent at ...

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I have a confession to make. I am afraid of Barbie. This is not easy to admit; after all, a grown man should not be afraid of dolls--especially one that is fifty years old. But Barbie is much more than a doll, she is an American icon. She is revered for capturing the imagination of millions of ...

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I am not sure why, but I decided to open up a Facebook account. It was a totally humiliating experience. I realized that in the book of my life, not only do I have no friends; I don't even have a face. Indulge me while I wallow in self pity. Since their inception several years ago, I have been ...

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