passaic-valley

Dad in the Box

May 7, 2018

Warning! Nothing you read here will spoil Avengers: Infinity Wars because I didn’t understand it. As a vibrant, relevant, totally hip and “with it” dad I am proud to say that I have now seen every movie in the Marvel Cinematic Universe.  All nineteen of them. I am less proud to admit that, of ...

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I teenaged my way through high school under the assumption that my parents had no idea what I was doing.  I like to think I was pretty good at withholding information and presenting situations in ways that were other than they really were.   Still, sometimes they found things out.  Like the ...

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I find the possibility intriguing that I might be politically influenced just because I “liked” a few goofy cat videos on Facebook.  But then, I also find it intriguing that “like” is now a verb.   I have long accepted the idea that data about me is roaming free in the vast wilderness of ...

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Two ducks are on a flight to Miami.  The first duck says to the second, “you flying south for the winter?”  The second duck replies, “Oh wow, a talking emotional support duck!”   Pa rum pum.   There have been a lot of news stories lately about animals traveling on airplanes.  Some are ...

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I don’t want to be on a first name basis with my refrigerator.   Oh don’t get me wrong, I am all for cool technology—when it works—but I draw the line at talking to appliances.  I have enough trouble carrying on conversations with humans.     But in what must be one of the truly great ...

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I am truly awed by the Olympics.  Watching these superb young athletes on TV inspires me to renew my membership to the gym and pursue my lifelong dream of taking home the gold.     The problem is that in my deluded head, I can see actually see myself standing atop the podium.  I am wrapped in ...

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Honey, I am going to take the Roadster out for a quick spin around the sun. I’ll be back in a few million years.   That’s nice dear. While you are out, could you pick up a gallon of milk?   In what has to be the greatest road trip of all time and space, Elon Musk, the visionary ...

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Donald J Trump @realDonaldTrump So great to see the weak and out of control NFL finally come together to make AMERICA FIRST IN THE SUPER BOWL thanks to my tremendous efforts. So why has no one asked me to throw out the first pitch? Sad. #MakeRomanNumeralsNumbersAgain.   Hey sports fans, ...

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In 2013 a man in the UK cleaned out his junk drawer and absently tossed an old hard drive dismantled from a Dell Computer into the trash.  The hard drive, rusting in landfill somewhere in Wales, contains 7500 bitcoins.     At the time, his staggering loss was about $4 million.  But if he had ...

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It is the beginning of January, which means college applications are due.   This is the time where high school seniors all across the country place their academic souls on the line and compete for spots in colleges and universities that reject more students than they accept.     And so, ...

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Seriously, Grinch?   I am standing in line at the checkout counter of our local grocery store.  An obviously perturbed woman and her young daughter are staring at my cart.  It contains twelve tubs of Edy’s Limited Edition Slow Churned Peppermint Ice Cream because I have just cleared out the ...

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The other day I was talking to our cat . . .   Hmmm.  It says here that dogs are smarter than cats. What are you reading, Mad Magazine? No seriously, this article in the Times claims that a scientific study conducted at Vanderbilt University recently discovered that dogs have twice as many ...

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I have a public admission to make.   I am the buyer who purchased Leonardo Da Vinci's Salvator Mundi at auction.    OK, I realize it is preposterous to think that I could pay 450 million dollars to purchase a piece of art.  After all, I know nothing about art.    And for $450 ...

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My daughter recently played the last soccer game of her career.     Yippee!  No more practices!  No more tournaments!  No more long drives to obscure fields!  No more tiny black turf pellets all over the car!   No more selfish surges of pride watching her athletic achievements.  No more ...

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Recently I treated myself to a day at a spa, complete with mud baths, ice therapy, natural skin exfoliates, and ultra hyper-electrolysis.   Unfortunately, this particular spa treatment also came with a 12-mile run and 12,000 idiots like me who for some reason equate pain with ...

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Don’t you have homework to do?   My teenage daughter is watching TV, texting, facetiming, instagramming, listening to music, and typing on a laptop all at the same time.    Don’t you have homework to do?  I have to repeat myself a little louder because she is insulated in her electronic ...

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I thought I was done with school projects.   You know, the kind of projects that involve cardboard and paint and glue and styrofoam and a panicked run to the hobby store the night before they are due.  When my kids were younger they seemed to be inundated each year with these unique hands-on ...

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I used to think I was special.     But it turns out I am not.  I am just one measly name in 143 million.     You see, that’s the number of lucky Americans who had their personal data purloined in a massive data breach at Equifax, the credit reporting agency.  At least I am not ...

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I am worried that my genetic Neanderthal variant might be embarrassingly high.   Given my personality, this might not seem an unreasonable fear.  But I really don’t want it proven without a doubt by a rigorous analysis of my DNA.  That is why I am reluctant to subject myself to the many ...

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“My cows,” announces my daughter.    From the passenger seat she is staring absently out the window at the lush farmland clipping by.  Her bare leg is pulled up tight on the seat and her head rests on her knee.    If I let her she would dangle her feet out open the window and let them ...

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Sometime during the morning of August 21st, millions of Americans will crowd toe to toe on a narrow ribbon of land stretching across the continental United States for the opportunity to stand in the moon’s full shadow for two minutes.   I am not sure, but I think this is the celestial ...

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Recently my dad showed me a plaque he had been awarded from his alma mater.  He graduated from a well-respected University in the Midwest after WWII.  It was where he met my mom.     He is 90 now.   The honorific award was for his participation in the University’s “Hall of Fame” ...

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I read the other day that President Trump is handing out his personal cell phone number to world leaders encouraging them to call him directly whenever the need arises.   While I understand the direct and informal “let’s talk” gesture, I am not sure that this is such a good idea given the ...

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I went to a boxing match the other night and an overbooked flight broke out.   It may be a new twist on an old joke, but it is no laughing matter.     OK, actually, it is.  I am sorry, but for anyone who has ever flown, the notion of a ringside seat on an airplane is a pretty ...

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My wife and I are in disagreement.   She says she has trained our cat to sit on command.   I say the cat has trained her to dole out treats.   Unfortunately, like a good conspiracy theory, nothing can be definitively proved.     “Sit!” she commands standing above our cat ...

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Here lies Dad In The Box.  He was a good egg.   I probably should have greater aspirations in life, but I suppose there are far worse ways to be remembered.      Being a good egg an old fashioned, aw-shucks kind of way of saying someone is a kind-hearted person.  Maybe even honorable or ...

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I can’t think of a better way to kick off spring than drinking beer. Recently I attended the 56th annual Spring Rites and Beer Festival in Manhattan Beach, California.  This yearly event, held on the heels of St. Patrick's Day, celebrates March birthdays, the arrival of spring, and, of course, ...

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There is nothing quite so blissful as a snow day.     The quiet beauty of gently falling flakes swiftly accumulating on the trees and lawns and roadways preventing any sort of travel to work.   Those two magic words:  School Closure.  Knowing that all there is to do is look out the window ...

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After a year of permit driving my daughter turned 17 and on her birthday, full of anticipation, went to the DMV to finally earn that most liberating article of identification; a driver’s license.   She returned home devastated.  She had brushed a cone parallel parking and flunked her test.

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It hurts.   She was sobbing pretty hard when she said it, so it came out more as a halting stutter.  It hu . . . hu . . . hu . . . rts.    My arms were wrapped around her and her head was buried in my shoulder as she cried.  She was just a little girl the last time I comforted her like ...

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