passaic-valley

Dad in the Box

September 10, 2015

What ever happened to trust? When I was in high school teachers trusted tthat we all completed our reading assignments over the summer.  The first day of school we were asked if we read whatever book we were supposed to read.  Everyone would raise their hands in the affirmative and some ...

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I hate my kids. Oh, I don’t mean that literally.  I mean I hate them in the sense that I am jealous.  Because at some point during my vain attempts to pass on my own limited skill sets and sensibilities, they started to exhibit talent and taste far exceeding my own.   Now I live my dreams ...

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I have been in neglect to discuss a very important and meaningful subject that touches all of our lives on a daily basis. I am, of course, referring to heavy appliances. You know.  Dishwashers, refrigerators, washing machines, dryers, cryogenic sleep chambers . . . all of those big heavy ...

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I have been in neglect to discuss a very important and meaningful subject that touches all of our lives on a daily basis. I am, of course, referring to heavy appliances. You know.  Dishwashers, refrigerators, washing machines, dryers, cryogenic sleep chambers . . . all of those big heavy ...

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Honestly, I don’t know why they bother to call Pluto the Dwarf Planet.  Either it is a planet or it isn’t. Calling it a Mini Planet or a Planette or a Junior Birdman Planet is equally bad.   Why not call it what it is?  A huge freaking ice cube.  Because with all of the other gazillions of icy ...

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I read somewhere that 70% of parents have a favorite child but won’t admit it.    This makes me feel awful.  I don’t have a favorite.  Never did.   So what is wrong with me as a parent?   Am I not able to make a decision?  What does this say about me as a father that I am not able to say ...

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The other morning I learned that Bruce Jenner is now a woman named Caitlyn. As far as I know she is the only reality show Olympic decathlon champion to ever grace the cover of a Wheaties Box and Vanity Fair Magazine in two different decades with two different names and two different genders.

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I hate emoji.   For those of you who receive unadulterated text messages free from cartoon additives, let me explain.  Emoji are those happy little picture images that are often used to punctuate messages with fun expressions of emotion that are not easily conveyed in short bursts of ...

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Greetings from the car of the future! First the good news:  We no longer have to drive!  The cars drive themselves! And now the bad news:  We still have to sit in them if we want to go anywhere. I am now 110 years old.  In the future molecular biologists have definitively proved that over ...

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I have an issue with cling wrap. Assuming you can find the invisible end against the clear roll, you quickly discover the only thing the thin plastic sheet clings to is itself.   Heaven help you if it folds together accidently after being pulled from the roll.  And just try to free something ...

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I don’t mean to be a downer, but Saturday the world is going to end. Don’t worry.  It will happen sometime in the morning between 9:26 and 9:27, so we can still sleep in and maybe have a cup of coffee before we cease to exist.  I can’t function without coffee. For those of you who failed ...

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As videography goes, I am not likely to win an academy award anytime soon. “I can’t see anything,” says my wife. “I can’t hear anything,” says my daughter. “Is that your finger over the lens?” asks her brother. My wife and two of our children are gathered around a computer ...

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On rare occasions, usually when my wife is not at home, my kids sometimes ask for my opinion on current social topics that are capturing their attention.   For example, my son the other day asked me why Bruce Jenner wants to become a woman. This is the reason why my kids usually go to their ...

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If I hear one more story about the “deflate-gate” Super Bowl controversy, I am going to puke.  Enough already.  Deflate-gate is nothing but an overblown pun and the humor has completely lost air.  You see what I mean about puking? I’m sorry, but the fumbled news coverage on this ...

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Sir, I think you are next. I was spacing out at a crowded deli counter the other day thinking about something really important that I have since forgotten.  I held number 67 in my hand.  Or maybe it was 34.  Or maybe I forgot to take a number.  I can’t really remember. Behind the counter ...

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There is no better way to kick off the New Year than by throwing away an elf. As part of my post-holiday tradition, I went to the dump the other day.  At this time of year, when the house fills up with stuff, I at least regain some sense of order by discarding boxes and wrapping paper and ...

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I was shocked to learn that Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer has been flying on network television as a holiday special for 50 years.  I wasn’t aware reindeers could fly that long.   Rudolph, the herky-jerky animated Christmas special based on the song of the same name, introduced millions of ...

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Dinner is not a contact sport. So occasionally proclaims my wife when our hungry kids forcefully jockey for position over serving platters.   Sometimes in their gleeful desire to eat as much as they can at the expense of their siblings they fall back to table manners inspired by the World ...

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One of the side benefits of going to school is learning.  I have two kids in high school and I am learning stuff from them all the time.  And I am not just talking about routinely discovering all of the ways in which I am out of touch with reality.  I am talking about knowledge.  Real ...

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If you ask me, the scariest stories are those that are true.  Like this one. It was a night not unlike this, in these very woods, many years ago.  The night sky was murky with the faint glow of a waning moon that peeked intermittently from behind a ghostly veil of thin clouds.  Late ...

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Recently I attended a 70th high school reunion. For those of you working out the math as you read this, let me assure you that this was not my 70th reunion.  It was that of my dad and the Kirkwood High School class of 1944. Or at least what is left of them. I met my dad in St.

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Dissecting animals in the name of science is a barbaric act that should not be imposed on high school freshmen. It is probably not so great for the frogs either. Before we get started here, let me be clear that I am not taking a stand one way or another on the time-honored practice of ...

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Where’s the remote? Watching television in our house is like playing Russian Roulette, especially when nothing good is on.  There are usually five or more remotes sitting on the coffee table and only one of them works.  Over the years the number of electronic gadgets that are plugged ...

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I told myself I wouldn’t get all teary-eyed and sentimental when I dropped my son off at college and said farewell.  And I didn’t. Earlier in the day we rolled up the car in front of his assigned residence hall where with other parents we quickly added to the logistical nightmare of ...

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Now that the doldrums of August are upon us, my kids are having difficulty filling their waking hours with productive activities.  So they have taken up the popular sport of binge watching online TV shows. I have tried to get them interested in binge weeding and binge lawn mowing, but it ...

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On a dreary winter day in 1876, Alexander Graham Bell, experimenting with a newly patented voice transmission device in his laboratory, called out to his assistant in the next room:  Mr. Watson, come here.  I want to see you.  There was no reply.  But seconds later Bell would hear emerging ...

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A father should never take his teenage daughter shopping. You see, something happened to my daughter in the number of months since the weather was last warm.  For one, she turned fourteen, and the clothes that fit her well in one season no longer fit in another.  With the gradual addition of ...

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The recent World Cup Football (pronounced soccer) match between Portugal and the US was one of the most highly watched events in ESPN history.  In fact, more people watched the match than watched the recent NBA or Stanley Cup finals. It even beat out the season finale of Dancing with The ...

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There are lots of things I don’t understand.  But I am particularly puzzled by the popularity of YouTube cat videos. Maybe I am biased, but watching someone else’s pet fall into a toilet trying to get a drink of water is not nearly as funny as watching our own cat fall into the ...

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I take you to be my lawfully wedded wife . . . My wedding anniversary is coming up. I am not sure what to give my wife.  I am not very creative with gifts.  I know from painful experience that an electronic appliance is out of the question.  And anything too lavish is just not ...

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