I went to a big wedding over the weekend. It was in England.
I like to think I was invited, but according to the Royal Guards and the Thames Valley Police I was not. But more about that later.
You see, not too long ago I received an evite addressed to me from H&M@royalwedbot.co.uk. Curiously, it was in my spam folder with a warning message. For an evite it was pretty fancy, so I opened it.
His Royal Highness the Prince of Wales requests the pleasure of your company at the Marriage of His Royal Highness Prince Henry of Wales with Ms. Meghan Markle at St. George’s Chapel, Windsor Castle, on Saturday 19th May 2018 at 12 Noon followed by a Reception at Windsor Castle.
It also said I should wear Dress Uniform, Morning Coat, or Lounge Suit. That was a problem. The only thing I have resembling a military uniform is a pair of camo pants and the only lounge suit I own is an Elvis costume I wore once for Halloween.
The evite also contained a link to a manifesto of important Royal Protocols that I needed to download and study if I was to attend the wedding.
Immediately after I clicked open the document my computer froze and all my files were mysteriously encrypted. A royal crest then appeared on the screen requesting a donation payable in bitcoins to Harry and Meghan’s favorite charity, which surprisingly happens to be a bank in Nigeria.
I guess it was in lieu of a wedding present.
Fortunately I printed the invitation before I downloaded the file. Unfortunately, I had not yet replied that I would be attending.
I assumed that is why I was not on the guest list when I showed up at St George’s Chapel in my white sequined jumpsuit with red satin cape, flared sleeves, and wide bell bottoms neatly accessorized with a gold rhinestone belt.
Thank goodness I had seen the movie Wedding Crashers. I politely explained that I was Owen Wilson and an old friend of the bride.
In retrospect, I probably should have realized that the police might be called. Particularly since I was breaking protocol by wearing platform shoes and white.
I had decidedly better luck at the servant’s entrance where because of my oversized sunglasses and high jeweled collar they mistook me for Elton John.
Even though it is a big church, it turns out you can’t just sit anywhere at a Royal Wedding. In fact, there is assigned seating. I learned this from Kate Middleton. Apparently I was sitting in her chair.
Since I was an iconic rock and roll singer I assumed it would be OK to sit in with the choir. They were wearing red and white vestments too. But the choirmaster thought I was a little to old to be singing in a boys choir and asked me to leave. It was probably the long sideburns.
Fortunately the church holds 1900 and there were only 600 guests, so I was easily able to find a place in the nave toward the rear of the church with the other guests.
Things were fine until a somewhat large lady showed up and sat in the seat in front of me. She was wearing a wide brimmed straw hat with an enormous porcupine pinned to the side of her head.
“Excuse me lady, can you take off your hat so I can see better?” I asked politely. I probably should have addressed her has “my lady” because when she turned around to glare at me I realized I was talking to Oprah.
She was nice enough about it, but she really didn’t need to call the ushers over. Or the Royal Guard for that matter.
As luck would have it, Queen Elizabeth had been a big fan of Elvis Presley and always wanted to meet him. I guess she wasn’t aware that he died 40 years ago.
Let me just say that there are some things you don’t do around the queen. For starters, she likes to be called “Your Majesty” and not “Your Queenliness” And it is a much better idea to bow than to swivel your hips, thrust your finger in the air, and tell her she ain’t nothin but a hound dog. She also doesn’t take kindly to posing for selfies, even if you are Elvis Presley.
I am sure all of that was on the list of protocols I downloaded.
But in the end it all worked out. Thanks to the beneficence of the Queen of England on this blessed and magical occasion I was quickly ushered to a vacant seat well before the the bride arrived and the wedding commenced.
It was outside the chapel. In a police station.
I heard it was a beautiful wedding.