Dear Mr. Dad in the Box,

The Admissions Department has completed a thorough review of your application. We regret to inform you that you were not selected for admission to the Farvard University Class of 2023.

Please understand this is not a reflection of you as a person or your extremely impressive achievements. And we sincerely appreciate your zeal in applying to our esteemed institution. However, in reviewing your professionally written essay, it is clear that you intended to apply to Harvard University.

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Here at Farvard, we take typos very seriously.

You should also be aware that we uncovered some irregularities in your application which raised concern within the review committee regarding your candidacy for admission.

First and foremost, it came to our attention that there is no Nobel Prize category for Online Gaming. As you are probably aware, the Nobel Prize was created long before the introduction of the Internet. Consequently your esteemed award for Advancement in Fortnite Battle Royale Strategies could not be verified with the “Noble” Committee referenced at the PO Box you provided us.

Additionally, we found some discrepancies in the standardized test scores you forwarded from the Ukrainian College Education Board. We suspect that these scores may be fraudulent, as you seem to have earned a 1700 on the SAT. While we occasionally do encounter perfect scores of 1600 among applicants, to our knowledge it is not possible to earn extra credit on these tests.

As you may or may not know, Farvard supports a highly revered D1 athletic program. While we are not in a position to question your achievement as a three time X Games champion, we do have concerns regarding the strong recommendation that you be admitted on athletic merit as a prospective member of the Woman’s Skateboard Team. This is based purely on the grounds that Farvard does not have a skateboarding program, you are not a woman, and the former Athletic Director who provided the recommendation is currently under indictment.

Finally, we should inform you that in accordance with our clearly documented transcript guidelines, we cannot accept your photoshopped performance with the New York Philharmonic Orchestra, your personal reference based on a DNA score genetically linking you to Alexander the Great, your AP credits granted for Pig Latin, your volunteer hours on Social Media, or your grades from Trump University.

We should also inform you that the check you wrote for the specific purpose of constructing a Mosh Pit in the University Library bounced.

On the other hand, we are extremely impressed that you would go to such great expense for the privilege of spending $250,000 over four years to attend a prestigious institution, even if it is not ours.

We may not be a Harvard or a Stanford or a Yale, but we routinely matriculate fine young men and women who, with motivation and drive, are more than prepared for success. Our students go on to become political leaders, business executives, entrepreneurs, artists, physicians, social workers, and dental hygienists. The only thing that separates them from the graduates of elite schools are the shirts they wear. Graduates of Farvard are proud to sport T shirts emblazoned with our school motto, Bene Meritum, Where Success is Earned under the mighty Crimson and Gold letters, FU.

It communicates a certain sort of gravitas.

In truth, there are hundreds of highly regarded institutions of higher learning like Farvard in this country. Admissions to these schools remain highly competitive, and students who are admitted are fortunate to attend. These Colleges and Universities provide aid and scholarship to students with financial burdens through endowments amassed from the generosity of successful alumni who were proud to attend.

Students at these fine schools study hard, receive a good education, and learn life skills that prepare them to engage in the challenges that lay before them.

Admission to college does not guarantee success. It only creates opportunity for students with a desire to engage. And whether you are accepted to Farvard or Harvard, your achievements will be influenced by what you take from the experience, not what is offered.

It is true that by rejecting your application we create an opportunity for someone else. That person may be more deserving, or may just be financially gaming the system more creatively. Given that acceptance rates for quality institutions like ours are so low, your chances of getting accepted regardless of your merit are slim.  And each year we must turn away students who could easily thrive.

But we do so knowing that despite the unique appeal of Farvard University, there are many other quality institutions that will serve you well. Institutions that you will feel proud to attend. Institutions with great T shirts.

We wish you the best of luck in your future endeavors.

And hope that you will resend the check.