Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house of representatives. . .
Grinch: The American people deserve to know the truth. That this Santa directed his own personal reindeer to pull a flying sleigh laden with presents across the night sky on a dark and foggy Christmas eve. No one is above the law of physics. Not even Santa.
Scrooge: Hum Bug! You tried to use the Emoluments Clause. You tried the Advise and Consent Clause. And now you are trying to vilify him under the Santa Claus. This abuse of power is precisely what Jacob Marley warned us about at Christmas time.
Comet: Yet the facts are indisputable. In December, Rudy visited the Island of Misfit Toys, eliciting the help of known operatives Donder and Blitzen, currently under indictment by the Southern District of New York. Mr. Reindeer, operating under direct orders from Santa to guide his sleigh, ousted Ambassador Snowman ensuring that the corrupt special prosecutor, Yukon Cornelius, would remain in position to benefit Santa.
Cupid: Once again you conveniently bend the facts. It was not Ambassador Snowman. It was the Abominable Snowman. And Yukon Cornelius was not a prosecutor, he was a prospector. This whole proceeding is nothing but a Santa hunt.
The Old Man: Let me remind you that we are under oath and millions of children are listening to these proceedings on Disney Plus. Are you suggesting that there is no Santa Claus?
Ralphie: Of course not. There are thousands of Santas. Just go to any mall at Christmas time. But the actions of the Santa Claus you seek to impeach do not rise to high crimes and misdemeanors.
George Bailey: No? Isn’t it true that Santa Claus spends each year making toys for every boy and girl? And isn’t it true that he delivers these toys on one special night every year? And isn’t it true that he distributes gifts to the children who have been nice and withholds gifts to the children who have been naughty? That is bribery pure and simple. It is precisely the sort of commercial quid pro quo Charlie Brown worried about.
Mr. Potter: Nonsense Bailey. You offer no proof. Listen to the transcript. It is perfect. Santa knows if you are sleeping, and he knows if you’re awake, and he knows if you have been bad or good. But he says nothing about withholding toys. It’s a fallacy. The children always get their presents. Are you calling them liars?
Hermey the Elf: I respectfully submit that children should never have to ask Santa for two front teeth at Christmas. All children should be entitled to teeth. We live in a democracy and Santa is not a dictator. This is what concerned George Washington who, as we all now know, had bad teeth.
Jack Frost: This proceeding turns my blood cold. You have given Santa Claus no access to due process.
Hermey: For the record, the intelligence committee subpoenaed Santa’s dental records and he refused. I yield my time to Congressman Griswold.
Clark Griswold: I cite a passage of the report released in 1823 by Clement Clark Moore of an account on The Night Before Christmas. The Moore Report states clearly, and I quote, “As I drew in my head, and was turning around, down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound.” This is irrefutable proof that Santa willfully plugged the flue and is guilty of Obstruction of Chimneys.
Kevin McCallister: This is all hearsay. You present not one witness that has ever seen Santa come down a chimney. You present not one witness who has ever seen Santa defying gravity in a sleigh powered by flying reindeer. You rely on the false claims of some whistleblower who has a grudge just because he saw his mommy kissing Santa Claus under a Christmas tree.
Bob Cratchet: Yet you offer no explanation as to why Santa willfully withholds gifts until Christmas, at which time he purposely circumvents the IRS and the United States Postal Service to deliver presents down millions of chimneys via flying reindeer. This notion challenges all credulity.
Tiny Tim: Are you lame? He wants to ensure good kids like me are not corrupt before releasing the presents.
Sally Brown: So are you suggesting that because I never received the pony I asked for at Christmas I am somehow not deserving? All I want is my fair share!
Mrs Claus: God rest ye merry gentlemen! I served with Santa, and you bickering congressmen, are no Santa. Santa acts out of kindness and serves the interests of the millions of parents who support him and continually re-elect him every year at Christmas. Questioning Santa is a dangerous proposition. You are setting a president, I mean a precedent, for the millions of boys and girls and adults who want to believe there is something truly good and magical and selfless in the world.
Spirit of Christmas Yet to Come: Well said Mrs Claus. Motion to adjourn so that we may revisit this through the night.
May your holidays be bright and unimpeachable.