Dear Mr. Vice President,
I heard your speech last week and was inspired. I am writing to formally enlist in the United States Space Force.
Although eager to serve, I am a little surprised to learn that this next important branch of the armed services will be formed to protect our interests in outer space
and not cyberspace
. It seems to me that given the state of the world today we should be proactively trolling our accusers and hacking our enemies where it hurts them most. On Facebook.
I mean, shouldn’t we be secretly breaking into electronic control systems and stealing emails and wreaking havoc with power grids as our enemies are doing to us? Don’t we want to restore America’s preeminence as a superpower rivaling that of Google or Amazon?
Oh wait. I get it! We ARE doing this and you just don’t want anyone to know! I like it. Don’t worry Mr. Vice President, your secret is safe with me. Wink. Wink.
I think the Space Force is way better anyway because I would much rather go to war in the cosmos than to fight a virtual battle uploaded somewhere in the cloud. Besides, I don’t think at my age I could fit through a USB port.
I do understand the gravity of the situation, so to speak. The threat to our interests in space is very, very real. It has been ever since 1979 when James Bond thwarted Hugo Drax from a hijacked Moonraker space shuttle hovering over the Amazon (the region, not the company).
And now we have Russia and China and Elon Musk and Richard Branson all firing beeping metal things with antennas and blinking lights into the skies willy-nilly. Soon outer space will look like the sale aisle at Best Buy. There will be no Geek Squad to help us then.
And the technology to blast communication satellites to smithereens is well within the grasp of our enemies. Space weapons such as Hypersonic Strike Vehicles (HSVs) and Chemical Oxygen Iodine Lasers (COILs) and Particle Beam Atomizers (PBAs) and other kinetic kill weapons are being prototyped this very second.
I believe it will take someone with a firm grasp of incomprehensible tech jargon and confusing acronyms to really ramp up our counterspace strategy.
And I for one know a thing or two about the technology of counterspace. You should see our kitchen at home. It is littered with all sorts of electric gadgets and doodads. I have to move the electric toaster just to make a baloney sandwich! So don’t talk to me about counterspace, I live it everyday.
I also understand from classified documents that I read on WikiLeaks that we are looking at a tungsten projectile system fired from space that can strike the ground at 36,000 ft per second obliterating hardened underground shelters and Amazon server farms (the company, not the region).
It is going to take a special kind of person to fire one of those bad boys. I love the smell of tungsten in the morning.
Let me just say that as a candidate for this orbital branch of the armed services, I feel I bring valuable experience, even though I am afraid of heights.
For starters, I was a space cadet in college. I matriculated into this rank after a particularly hard night of training in alternative liquid propulsion systems. The next day I slept through my final exam in Chemistry. Also Physics. This in and of itself was not unique among my fellow dorm plebes. However I distinguished myself when I went to take a retest and forgot where the room was located.
I also lost a rental car once in Denver.
It might also interest you to know that I am proficient in Space Invaders. I once scored over 40,000 points, a score which I proudly submitted to the record keepers at Twin Galaxies, the accepted authority in video games.
As exciting as it was to achieve this milestone, it was nothing compared to the pure exhilaration I felt blasting column upon column of hideous crab-like aliens raining down like fallout from the cosmos, although I was never quite sure why they were invading.
I must admit that I have never actually been in outer space. As you know, this honor has been reserved for a select few of our bravest astronauts, a couple of monkeys, and a mannequin driving a Tesla. But I have seen the original Star Wars movie over seventeen times and I am no stranger to light sabers, at least the plastic ones that disintegrated ToysRUs.
Which makes me wonder, Mr. Vice President, for such a serious endeavor whether we shouldn’t come up with a better name than Space Force?
I mean, it is pretty easy to make fun of.