Position: Royal PIA within HR Department
Location: Buckingham Palace
Benefits: Off site parking and a chance to see The Queen
Founded in 1917 after a succession of monarchs dating back to the ninth century, The House of Windsor is the reigning Royal House of the United Kingdom and its commonwealth. The House functionally operates as constitutional monarchy headed by The Queen of England, her successors, and assorted wives and children commonly known as The Royal Family. Successors to the throne are Protestant, have no last names, and are Rh positive. Lesser members of The Royal Family are extremely lucky and subject to ridicule in the press.
The Royal Household employs over one thousand people to support The Queen and her family out of corporate headquarters at Buckingham Palace. Within The Royal Household, everyday jobs are magical. Alongside the many footmen and butlers and silver polishers that cater to the every whim of The Royal Family, energetic professionals in HR, Finance, Engineering, Communications, and IT provide guidance and support to The Royal Family as they fulfill their Royal duties, whatever they are.
Careers within The Royal Household are rewarding, vibrant and exciting. You will be upholding the time honored traditions that have made The Crown a source of fascination and miniseries for centuries. You will be entrusted with protecting the purity of The Monarchy, its function and image, in service to The Queen. You will come in contact with Princes and Duchesses and all manners of landed gentry with long titles you have never heard of. You will collaborate with like-minded professionals eager to maintain the sanctity of the bloodline you proudly serve.
We are a diverse organization that proudly embraces a whiter shade of pale within the Royal Family. When you become a member of our team, you become a part of history.
As a keen observer of protocol, you have watched all six seasons of Downton Abbey and you know what it takes to work up stairs and down.
With a stiff upper lip to pressure, you are the kind of person who never gives yes for an answer.
As a traditionalist, you long for the days of church reformation, spousal diversity, and absolute rule reinforced by dungeons.
You have the necessary experience working for large institutions that haven’t changed in centuries.
Calm and cool in a crisis, you know when and how to make tea.
Always respectful of others, you apologize for everything and are dedicated to customer service that will have a lasting impact on those you serve.
Unspoken rules of behavior guide your sensibilities: you never jump the queue, you always mind the gap, and you avoid eye contact in the tube.
You are a crafty and collaborative team player who knows on which side your toast is buttered.
As a Royal PIA (also PIB, PIN, or just Pain) you are a critical member of the palace HR function. Royal PIAs interface directly with family members and work closely with functional departments to maintain The Royals in keeping with their Royal capacity as Royals.
The Royal PIA implements the high impact objectives of implicit HR policies, handles inquiries, and advocates on behalf of the institution to respond to requests, resolve conflicts, and tend to the discreet needs of The Royal Family.
What You Will Do
Onboard new members including: Skin tone tests, DNA screening, family background checks, accent analysis, pedigree verification, personal effects removal, cavity checks, delousing, and uniform disbursements such as tilted hats with feathers or military uniforms with medals and epaulettes.
Outboard departing members including: revoking titles; eliminating security details; returning passports, driver’s license, credit cards, cell phones, Screen Actors Guild IDs, club membership cards, car keys, and any personal effects that were placed in plastic bags during the intake process.
Institute and conduct training programs for bowing, curtseying, waving, conversing, dining, and general behavior modification consistent with standard operating procedures defining Royal engagement.
Interface with Legal to draft and institute binding non-disclosure agreements that preclude television interviews.
Monitor and enforce company wide denial policies surrounding bullying, backstabbing, bulimia, crying, welfare checks, and spurious concerns over mental health.
Implement and enforce daily restriction guidelines such as calling for an Uber, streaming The Crown on Netflix, or eating rare beef.
Work with members of parliament to enforce succession planning through title administration, religious conformity, male prioritization, and selective gene pool regeneration.
Explore initiatives with teams representing Facilities and Security to repurpose executive suites at the Tower of London including, but not limited to, restoring racks and executing execution strategies such as beheading.
Manage and control personality and character development through relationships with tabloid editors.
Work directly with Marketing and Communications to secure contracts with image consultants and damage control experts as needed.
Please do not contact The Queen directly. Due to the large volume of applicants, do not expect a response.