There are some who will say that when you reach a certain age you are “too old” for Halloween. To these people I say, “I know you are, but what am I?” I also say that we adults should do it for the kids. When I am reminded that I have no children, that’s when I have to come clean. I do it for the candy. That’s right, the CANDY. Are you happy now?
Me and the candy industry are in this together. How else am I going to get my wife to buy three bags of candy? We go through the usual song and dance where she says she’s not getting any candy this year because we never have any trick-or-treaters. “This year is different,” I reply, “because of the economy. So many children are going hungry this year. How can we just forget them? How can we turn them away? Some of them are probably orphans. We must act. We must lead. This is our moment.” Then I plagiarize parts of a Melania Trump speech that she already stole from “Finding Nemo.” We compromise on two bags of candy. I take Gidget the dog out in her costume and go trick-or-treating in the neighborhood.
My favorites are Twix bars, Milky Ways, Kit Kat bars, Snickers and my new favorite, the Take 5 bar. Gidget likes chocolate-covered bacon. Don’t try to pawn off on me the crappy candy that you don’t like, things with coconut, or raisins or licorice. I don’t want to fill up with a whole lot of empty calories, i.e. anything that does not contain chocolate. And if you give me an apple or any form of fruit, I am not “too old” to throw it at your mailbox.
I would say that it’s all harmless fun, except that every year I sustain some sort of costume-related injury trying to sew a llama head to a sweatshirt or attach chicken wire to something other than a chicken. Or, once the costume is on me I forget that I need to see through it, and trip over something, or someone who suffered from the exact same oversight of undersight.
What were you for Halloween? Write and tell me. I went to Jenn and Pete’s party dressed as a Basket of Deplorables. For my Deplorables I had pictures of Hitler, Saddam Hussein, Moammar Khadhafi (or is it Gaddafi? Qadhafi? The guy’s spelling is even deplorable), Genghis Khan, Bernie Madoff, O.J. Simpson and Mao Tse-tung. I also threw in Tom Brady and my cat, Bitey, whose behavior was certainly deplorable.
My box was only so big, and there are a lot of miscreants I left out. Like the person who first tweeted “I feel you,” or people and bears on television commercials who feel the need to share with me exactly what they do with toilet paper, or whoever wrote the song, “My Humps.” And by the way, quit feeling me. While I was at work, cutting out pictures of Hitler, Osama bin Laden and Fidel Castro to put in my basket, I noticed some of my co-workers looking for the telephone number for security in the company directory.
There were some people at parties dressed as Donald Trump this year, including Donald Trump. These people were wearing wigs that weren’t even close to the ungainly reality of his hair, which defies laws of fashion and laws of physics at the same time. I was thinking of including Trump in my Basket of Deplorables, but I knew that he would immediately try to take credit for my costume, then call me a disaster if things went horribly wrong.
Say hello at: firstname.lastname@example.org. Watch “Gidget gets a Package” on YouTube.