Although we have never met, I believe I know Bruce Apar (Bruce the Blog) very well.  His description of a little boy facing the everyday difficulties of growing up without his mother is both touching and revealing.  Opening his heart and allowing us, his readers, the privilege of knowing his inner thoughts was very brave.  I salute him for recognizing how the little boy he was helped him become the well adjusted, accepting man he apparently is.  

I have been grappling with my life for the last three years.  I was fortunate enough to have parents who lived into their nineties, but I did experience the death of a very young child.  With Jason at my side I was able to accept Johnny’s passing and get on with living.  It’s the loss of Jason that impedes me (why do we say ‘loss’ when we mean death?  Is it that loss suggests finding again and death is too final?)  

With Jason gone I find myself very much alone.  Even though my children and grandchildren are helpful and attentive, it just isn’t the same.  When Jason walked into a room I felt an incredible comfort and joy envelop me…I think I did the same for him.  We were like two halves of one entity, able to enhance the other’s innate abilities and experience life and love to the fullest.

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Now I must learn to travel alone.  I thought it would get easier as time went on but it hasn’t.  I feel panic more often and even when surrounded by the love and concern of family and friends, it’s not the same.  A part of me is missing.  The part that understood my fears and insecurities; that was there to reassure me; that encouraged me to become outgoing and the secure person I exhibited to the world.

I need now to take a page from Mr. Apar’s book and place loss in perspective as he does.  We must accept death as a part of life and learn that endings are but beginnings…they must not  as Mr. Apar says, diminish us, but rather spur us on to face life stronger for having known and loved those who have gone before.  They have each added, by living and by dying, to the definition of our lives.  All we need to do is open our minds, look back, and see how they helped place us on the road we’ve taken.  

Thank you, Bruce . . . your odyssey has given me an insight into my own. 

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