The Cold War

I had a cold last week, and believe me it was nothing to sneeze at. I tried to feed my cold, like in the saying, “feed a cold and starve a fever.” Or is it the other way around? I can never remember, and I don’t want to end up with a big fat fever. If you feed the cold, won’t it keep coming back, like the neighbor’s cat?

I wish there was an inoculation that would prevent the neighbor’s cat from coming over stalking around in our yard, throwing off my complicated ecosystem. The cat scares off the birds, so that there are more flies and bugs, and eventually my lawn is going to become extinct. At least that’s the story I’m using these days when my neighbor, Paul, comes over and smirks at the places where grass used to be. That cat has the markings of a cow, and from down the driveway my lawn looks like a small dairy farm that I should be getting subsidies for. Why buy the milk when you can get the cat for free?

What caused my cold? I’m pretty sure that my immune system was compromised by watching too many “Kars For Kids” commercials before I could get to the remote control. What are Kids doing with all those Kars I’d like to know? This charity might be doing great work, but I feel that if I contribute to it I may be further subjected to that which I cannot unsee or unhear. Plus we could end up with a whole generation of underage drivers who can’t spell.

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Anyway, the cold lasted only a few days but I was coughing for weeks after that. You’re supposed to cough into your elbow, but I don’t want to give a chest-cold or a head-cold to my elbow, which I use frequently. My chest I only use for non-essential activities like breathing, and my head is basically in cold storage.

I know people at work who are total germophobes, and they are always spraying disinfectant into the phone, as if people who didn’t have time to infect them in person are calling them up with their germs. I read someplace that you shouldn’t use that hand sanitizer that OCD people carry with them all the time. Apparently there are “good” bacteria and “bad” bacteria, and hand sanitizer can’t figure out which is which, so it is voting Libertarian.

Some on the internet say that to combat a cold and sore throat you should take raw garlic, which keeps the symptoms away. It also keeps away vampires, and just about everybody else. But if you haven’t noticed, a veal saltimbocca at a really fine Italian restaurant rarely gets sick. People also take zinc, which is about 10 bucks for a bottle of 25 capsules. A penny is about 5 percent zinc, so when you pay for the bottle of Zicam, you will be giving up about 100 times more zinc than you’re getting back. It’s enough to make you sick.

And when you get a cold, not only are YOU miserable, but everyone at work treats you like some type of street vermin from “Les Miserables.” “Stay away from me!” yhey yell, and then when I get a cold, they say even worse things. If I get another cold I think I will just take the day off from work and watch “Forensic Files” all day. It will be lonely and wretched, so I might as well eat a couple of bulbs of garlic. Maybe someone will send me a card, or even a fruit basket. Even a basket of deplorables would be nice.

Say hello at: Watch “Gidget gets a Package” on YouTube.

The opinions expressed herein are the writer's alone, and do not reflect the opinions of or anyone who works for is not responsible for the accuracy of any of the information supplied by the writer.

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