This Saturday the 22nd, my friends, Margaret and Judy, will be volunteering at the third annual E-Waste Recycling Day at the Somers Intermediate School, along with Mike from City Carting.

I will be there, personally overseeing the Easter candy recycling project. You don’t need all those calories lying around your house, and besides, those chocolate eggs are wrapped in foil that may contain stronthnesium, a metal so deadly that I might have made it up. So bring the candy over to the school and I will see that it is disposed of properly.

By the way, if you do have too much junk in the trunk, this is your lucky day, since it will only cost you $5 to dispose of all the e-waste and scrap metal you can fit into it. Keyboards, monitors, appliances, electronics items, computers and televisions are welcomed. Even old washers and dryers will also be accepted. Take all the wet socks out of them first so that you don’t air your dirty laundry all over town. Grief counselors will be on hand for those bidding a final farewell to their beloved CD players and VCRs. My thoughts and prayers go out to everyone whose flip-phone’s usefulness was taken way too soon. I thought the “E” in E-waste stood for “electronic,” but it actually stands for “EverythreemonthsApplecomesoutwithanewphoneandnowImstuckwiththisuselessthing.”

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But how did we get to this point? In 1998 I was sitting pretty, with my 386 computer and a 20 MEG HARD DRIVE! How could anyone ever need more than that? Now a computer practically has an expiration date, and your laptop might start to go bad even before whatever used to be in that Tupperware in the back of your fridge.

Don’t just toss these items in the trash—Mike and his staff are professionals. There may be elements inside them that are dangerous, possibly criminal elements. Barium, for instance, is a metallic substance that becomes highly unstable when it comes into contact with air. I’ve known at least two guitarists with exactly the same properties, and they were hard to get rid of. We can help you with any other questions that you have, like whether you should recycle a tricycle more than three times.

Your $5 donation will benefit the Somers PTA fund, so it’s an investment in our youth. I guess we’ll have to wait several years to see if it was a great investment, but I spent a whole lot more than $5 on Rite-Aid stock, which is tanking big-time at the moment. By the way, a few years ago on a whim I went to visit my own elementary school in Chappaqua, and all the chairs and desks seemed ridiculously small. When I was a kid going to school there, all the furniture was normal sized. I don’t know why everything shrank so much, but maybe the PTA will look into it.

So stop by the Intermediate School from 9 a.m. to 2 p.m. and say hello to Mike, Margaret and Judy. I’ll be there at around 11, rummaging through your stuff and making fun of you for buying a Tandy computer. Gidget, the recycling watch dog, will be ready for anyone getting rid of tennis balls. I am even told that Rick Morrissey might be there, the Somers town supervisor. Which is good because I should not be running around unsupervised.

For more information on Somers Recycling Day, get in touch with Mike at City Carting at: 914-906-0120. Say hello to Rick Melén at rlife8@hotmail.com.